Dumped by FWB and heart broken

No harsh words or judgment from me! I find most of the time it is hard to determine how we will react to an event until it actually happens. It’s easy to say you don’t care and it’s just about sex until it’s over and you realize there was more there. You think with your head, okay I know we aren’t good as a couple but the sex is great and we enjoy each other so why not continue the physical part until one of us starts dating someone else? Sounds like a great plan right? Problem is your heart isn’t nearly as logical, and the sex creates a physical bond and then all the sudden when he does end if for someone else you feel all the rejection and heartbreak even knowing it wouldn’t have worked. Your ego is bruised and you want to know why her and not me?  Plus now you are stuck in this pandemic without your friend.

The good news is now you have gotten rid of something which was holding you back from pursuing a real connection and long term relationship with someone else. I think you should appreciate the time you had together, really appreciate the fact he was honest and wasn’t continuing with you and seeing her at the same time and realize you are moving on to bigger and better things. 

I’m also going through a range of emotions right now. Including anger. It’s even harder when it wasn’t a real relationship. I feel like I don’t have the right to be upset, but he was also someone I spoke to every day for 8 months. I’m so heart broken.

Anger is worse today. I appreciate his honesty but I feel like after seeing someone for 8 months I deserved an in person conversation.

You make good logical points. I guess I’m just hurt and upset that he didn’t think someone he saw for almost a year didn’t deserve an in person conversation after being dumped for someone he’s known for two days.

I get the anger- it’s one of the stages of grief which is what you are experiencing right now. Sorry but it is and will be hard- it’s ok to feel this way. You have to work through these emotions.

You’re chemically bonded to him. That’s what sex does to most women. Right now, it sucks because you’re going through withdrawals. However, it will get better in time. Now you know how foolish it is to get in FWB situations.

Outdated thinking and puritanical have absolutely nothing to do with it. FWB is foolish for the vast majority of women because they can’t handle it and they get hurt. They get too attached from the chemical bond created. Case in point right there.

The difficult thing about a FWB is that as you know, you can’t be dumped. It’s not a relationship, and you promised just to give each other a heads up if you meet someone. And he did that. You feel hurt, but he did nothing wrong, and I think you knwo that deep inside. This is just the side effect of sleeping with your ex after you broke up. You also shouldn’t have been sending each otehr valentine’s chocolates having broken up – what kind of ‘frindship’ is that? It sounds like you and he fell back into comfortable old ‘relationshippy’ patterns because it was comfy. And that gave you mixed signals. But I suspect that if part of you hadn’t liked him, you wouldn’t feel hurt at whether he still liked you – if that makes sense.

I know it’s hard. You got more involved than you thought you would, and from the sound of it, weren’t entirely aware of your feelings. FWB is especially a bad idea with your exes because there’s a huge history and complicated feelings there. I can see why it must have been really tempting and looked like it was worth trying – no judgement! It’s your choice. Its just we all make a lot of regrettable choices sometimes.

I think FWB usually doesn’t work because people aren’t often honest about what they want. It works if people *just* want sex with someone they like platonically, with no expectations beyond that. But epopel usually either bring the expectations from the start, or develop them. And people often get hurt. So I tend to advise against them unless you’ve had enough casual sex to really know when you’re only in it for the sex and fun. I’ve certainly never seen ti work amongst my friends. I know it must hurt a lot because you had a bond. And even though logically you know thaat things wouldn’t work, part of you stll hopes that you’re special to the guy, and not easily replaceable. It always hurts to let go, but it’ll get better.

He did the right thing – you both knew you could never be a good couple, and when he met a woman he actually knew he could be with, it made no sense to keep his ex around for sex. You wouldn’t want your new boyfriend leading on his ex with ‘friendly’ sex on the side, either. It’s just tough to break up, and by having sex and treating each other like partners, you guys effectively delayed the breakup til now. The hurt wull pass.

Hi Steph,

I usually come on here if I’m needing advice but saw your post and I’m in.. kind of? in same situation at the minute. I’m sleeping with my ex, but It hasn’t got to the stage yet where he moves on. We didn’t plan on sleeping together, the sexual tension was just… intense… when we first met up. We talked about it and said the same thing as you. If we want to pursue something with someone else we’ll tell each other (which I’m pretty sure he’ll be the one to move on first).

I can understand, somewhat, of how your feeling and I, for sure, sympathize with you. I have the same worries of the feelings that you’re feeling now because it’s inevitable that at some stage, one of us is going to move on.

I don’t know, and I’m not stating that this is why, but it could be a reason you’re feeling angry because it would be why I would feel that way. You could be feeling angry because you knew in the back of your mind, this could happen so you’re annoyed with yourself for letting it happen when you could have stopped it. But try not to be so harsh on yourself, you did what you wanted to do in the moment. Its difficult now, but in time, you will get over him and exactly what Kaye said, this will give you a chance to move on.

I hope I helped in some way, I’m scared to give advice in case I make things worse for the person.

Thank you Mell. I appreciate that. As another poster mentioned, I think it’s so tough because I basically prolonged the actual breakup until now. Sure I ended thing months ago but we still acted like we were together. And now that it’s actually gone, I’m going through what I likely would have months ago had we truly ended things like we should have. Lesson learned. I’m at a bit of a plateau right now. Still cry some days but I know someday I’ll be fully moved on.

@ steph, you’re right. But it’s OK, we live and learn. All that matters is getting yourself through this, and then focusing on what you want from life from then on.

Agreed. Definitely learned a lot from the situation. It’s been a month now. Still very sad but it’s getting better. It still upsets me that he literally had sex with me and was talking to me about how a FWB works better than trying to date someone right now because of the epidemic….Saying all this the day after he met her and then dumping me three days later to date her.