Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Dumpers perspective
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Alison
Just wondering how long it takes to get over somebody from the dumpers perspective? We were in what you’d think was the perfect relationship for 4 years, living together for about 1.5-2years. He ended it as he just felt I could do better (Bit of a fob off really) and that I deserved more (I am much more career driven than he is and he frequently used to say he felt inadequate as I was further along in my career path than he was). It was a very emotional ending and I basically said this wasn’t what I wanted. He did the usual declaring he thought we’d grow old together and that he wouldn’t rule out getting back together in the future. Just wondering what you think he feels and how long it’ll take for him to get over it as it was what he wants!
Ollie
Every case is different. When I have been the dumper, the first thing I always feel is relief. Breaking up usually something I have contemplated doing for quite some time, and the weight and pressure of having to make that decision is stressful.
Once the pressure is off, sometimes I question the decision and that can take anywhere from a few days to a few months. Most of the time though, I never look back with regret of the decision. There some exes that I have dumped who I remember fondly and cherish the time I had with them, but that doesn’t mean I want them back. I personally have no exes that I feel are “the one that got away”.
Kate
Having really only been in two somewhat serious relationships, and also having been the one to end both of them, it depends a lot on the people involved. For instance, with the first guy, he was very easy going and we had both seen the end coming, and remain good friends to this day, so it was an easy break up, and I’d sincerely doubt that either of us took longer than a week or two to adjust back to “friends only.”
With the second, he was (almost a little oddly, considering the amount of time we had been together) completely obsessed with me and had wanted to marry me and was devastated and dramatic when I ended it. Like Ollie said, the main feeling there was relief.
In a breakup (when the dumper is a decent person), there’s always some aspect of “ugh it really sucks to have to tell him/her.” But at the same time, if you’re breaking up with someone, you’re usually already over them, and so there’s not really a set amount of time to get over someone.
(This would of course be false if it was a traumatic breakup that you didn’t want to do, but had to for your own sake, etc)
Ali
I think it’s much more common for men to regret these decisions and come back.
Women, when we are done, we are usually DONE as in, not in love anymore.
I think break ups that are circumstantial (problems with long distance, one person is moving, one person is going through a crisis, etc) that are NOT due to the quality of the relationship are more likely to lead to reconcilation.
I went through a break up where the relationship was wonderful but outside circsumstances were pulling us apart. We ended up getting back together 9 months later– but it was because we still really loved each other, and the relationship was good. There was nothing, other than minor issues, really WRONG with the relationhip but he was leaving to go to grad school in another state and we didn’t think we could make the distance work. Well, it turned out we missed each other so much that in the end we were willing to try the distance….it turned out we both felt it was worth it.
The breakups that are least likely to lead to reconcilation are those were the feelings are gone Not in love anymore, sex life dead, etc. there isn’t anything worth fighting for. Usually with these, people get over it fast, as they were already “over it” so to speak.
Ones where there is still a lot of love — tend to linger, and the man tends to regret his decision more often IMHO
Alison
Thank you girls.
I definitely had no clue it was coming and we’d just come back from a vacation together. We didn’t even argue. It was a change in circumstance that made him end it all, but he did say that he loves me. I reached out and we’ve had positive communication. Like you said Ali, there was nothing wrong with the relationship, he’s suffering from depression and when I did reach out to him, he still sounded in a very bad way. It’s just so hard watching the person you love destroy themselves. I really hope in time we can make it work!
Ali
I hope he is getting some help? Seeing a therapist, etc?
Depression can definitely make someone push people away. I speak from experience as I struggled with depression for a long time (and still do on occassion– though it’s mostly managed with antidepressants and regular therapy.). It definitely makes me isolate myself if it gets really bad.
the problem is of course, you can’t wait around… I hope you can take the steps you need to to get on with your life, and understand he has to figure this out himself…
Maybe you guys will work it out, maybe you wont, but it’s important you take care of YOU in the meantime.
Alison
Hi Ali, he sadly isn’t getting help from a therapist or going to the doctors. The cause of his depression is something he can’t change and he feels he has no choice but to carry on and just fight through. I can’t force him to go and seek help, I have suggested it and offered to support him at his appointments if he wanted me to (as a friend) but he said everything will be fine. It’s so hard watching the one you love destroy themselves. He has been in contact the last few days and says he still loves me and cares greatly, it’s just right now he can’t cope with anything. So hard, but I’m trying to carry on as I know I can’t stop my life
Newbie
Altough i understand your sympathy for him i wouldurge you to think about yourself here. He dumped you after 4 years. In stead of fixing his issues he chose breaking up as a solution. And yes that can be the cause of depression but you have the right to feel things too. I would be mad
And reflect on the relationship. Was it really good or did i become the ‘mommy’, could i depend on him? Codependent. What lane often talks about. And she recommends a book from melany batten? Baton?
Because i find it hard to believe all was well and his issues never impacted the relationship until in the end where he suddenly called it quits. You might want to take some time for yourself in stead of him waiting to be either sorry he dumped you or moves on -
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