Emotionally Unavailable guy?

I can.

An emotionally unavailable man does not put his “heart” into a person or people in general.

There are mental illnesses that can cause this…sociopath is one term that comes to mind although there are others as well. A true sociopath, for example, is very clever and can mimic feelings but does not possess them. They know they are supposed to cry when a loved one is hurt or dies so they try to cry…but it does not come from feelings…it comes from knowing what is expected of them.

We are talking about degrees of the same thing…a person can be emotionally unavailable or at further degrees have emotional illness.

The biggest sign I think is when in your own heart you do not feel connected to a person – you sense the distance…you feel alone even when you are with that person. Sometimes you can even sense that the other person is disconnected from all other people…what they do or say is not appropriate given the circumstances…since they do not “feel” they are somewhat cold in their assessments of situations and people.

If you are dealing with someone like this you cannot “fix” them. These problems are deep seated and need the help of professionals…not for the average gal to fix.

I hope this helps.

An emotionally unavailable person will do certain things in dating such as cancel dates at the last minute or will rubberband (go distant) after spending time with you. A workaholic will typically be emotionally unavailable.

The simple sign is they do not share your feelings…while normal men may not express feelings they have them and you can connect with them.

With an emotionally unavailable men, depending on the degree, don’t feel the feelings and they cannot connect with you. When you talk about a situation and talk about your feelings he cannot say even, “I know what you mean or I understand”. You feel his distance from his own feelings and also yours.

Normally men keep feelings under wraps but they have them…and if they feel safe with you will share their feelings…they will tell you about their fears, hopes and dreams and you will feel that they “let you in”. An emotionally unavailable man does not really have a place to let you into. He is closed off and distant. It is only you that discusses feelings – not him. You will not feel warmth in his presence…but cold and aloof. Women can also be this way…perhaps it is easier to see in a woman for you….we all know women who seem not to feel.

I generally have been the emotionally unavailable one, something I’m working on. It doesn’t mean the guy is a bad guy, it just means he’s not ready for an intimate relationship, and it has NOTHING to do with you. As the other ladies here have rightly said, there’s nothing you can do to “heal” him, despite every romantic comedy you ever saw. It’s not a matter of the right, special girl coming along to change a guy’s character. It’s something he has to work on, it will take a very long time, and if you’re not his psychotherapist it’s not your job.

Emotionally unavailable people may do things like:

1) Not spend too much time with you–enforce a lot of “space.” (Being a workaholic can be part of this as Sensy said.)

2) Show themselves to be unreliable, not there when you need them to be or want them to be. (If you have something difficult happen in your life, or have a bad day and you reach out for support, they will probably ignore you or be unavailable.)

3) Withdraw any time you seem to be getting closer by disappearing for awhile, then coming back.

4) Act in ways that seem contradictory. For instance, he may like you, and on one level want something deeper, so sometimes he will behave like this is what he wants. But then when the fear kicks in he will withdraw again. It’s not that either of the ways he is behaving is a lie, he probably feels them both in the moment, but the constant rubber banding will not change unless he decides to do the hard work of self-improvement. Again, it’s not like in the movies!!

Like Red & Amy said, there are degrees. Sociopaths are definitely emotional unavailable. But say a child was neglected and never learned to trust others or themselves, or never saw a model for a healthy intimate relationship. Then as an adult it would be difficult to trust others enough to have one, or even to know HOW to have one, unless they put in the hard work to learn.

But the bottom line is, it’s not your problem and you cannot fix it. You need to carefully select guys you want to date and invite into your life. Don’t pick ones who will hurt you and cause drama instead of making your life better.

Love!

Meg

Hi Maggie, I’m relatively new to this site but it’s helped me lots in coping with the departure of my ex. He too was emotionally unavailable. He was the sort of guy who found it uncomfortable to call me his girlfriend, always needing his man space, I always felt like he was never really ‘there’. Unfortunately for him, and we delved quite deep while we were going out, it seems he’s been like this with every girlfriend he’s had. He’s 40 and I was his longest relationship at only 1.5yrs. He tells me every girl had dumped him and he wasn’t sure why. I told him why. Because he was emotionally unavailable and us girls find that really hard to cope with. We try to ‘fix’ them, but we can’t. Despite our best efforts at being the best girlfriend. It’s up to you if you stick with it but my ex and I separated a while ago and he’s still single. Still a workaholic. Still has my heart. He was the one with deep childhood issues, which he keeps locked away but it’s stopping him from allowing anyone close to him. Like the girls said, only therapy can sort an emotionally unavailable man. It’s up to you which way you chose to go… but inevitably, and unfortunately, it will end up with your heart being broken and not his… because he keeps it detached from everyone xx

I think mine is an ass and manipulative. He pulls that crap on me all the time.

So this one is likely permanent EUM?