Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Ended it after he didn’t want a relationship, but now he is backtracking
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 3 years, 3 months ago by
tammy.
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Casey
So I ended it with a guy I have been seeing for 3 months after I asked him what was going on with us/what we were. He had previously been in a long relationship and when asked to DTR, he said he couldn’t see himself having a relationship in the foreseeable. I said due to previous bad relationships I needed more of a sense that things were progressing to a relationship as that is what I ultimately wanted.
He has since asked me to reconsider and said I got his words wrong and he wanted to see how things progress. Our “relationship” I felt hadn’t progressed much as he was always busy on the weekends and only had time for weekday meet ups in the evening. I always felt like he wanted me to chase and to message for his own validation. I emotionally checked out when he said he didn’t want a relationship as I couldn’t let my feelings evolve for someone who didn’t know what they wanted.
The way he has been trying to get me to reconsider has made me question my own mind. I know my thoughts and anxiety is valid and I think the seed was planted when he said he didn’t know what he wanted. I had to bring up the DTR conversation early on as that’s what I needed clarifying.
It sounds stupid, but have you ever questioned your own mind in a relationship? My head is in a bit of a muddle and I just need some feedback.
Raven
So… Take a step back & see if he steps up.
AngieBaby
In these circumstances I would have ended it with him too. This is often what guys do though when you withdraw because they’re only doing the bare minimum to keep you around. He’s already had 3 months to “see how things go” – how much longer are you supposed to audition for the role of GF, because that’s basically what he’s telling you he wants you to do. Now he’s thrown you a bigger crumb and made you doubt your good instincts. Please don’t let someone make you question yourself that easily. Remember that “I don’t want to lose you” is NOT the same as “I want you.”
You can try giving him a few weeks to see if he steps up but I doubt that will last past 30 days because I think he told you the truth upfront – he doesn’t want a relationship with you. “I don’t know what I want” is a major cop-out that guys throw out and it confuses us girls and it shouldn’t. It’s unattractive. Either he wants you or he doesn’t. It really is that simple. Anything else is BS to keep you on the line on his terms because it’s convenient for him. If I were you I’d stick to my guns but I suspect you’re going to give him a chance… but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t step up.
Casey
@AngieBaby thank you for the validation. He did say he wanted me, yet he was blindingly obvious he doesn’t want a relationship and commitment. I know commitment comes in many shapes and forms, but I didn’t want marriage or moving in, nothing big like that. I just wanted to be sure in a nice easy relationship where we are actually together, no guessing about if the other person is going to flake out (as I got the idea he could at any point) A lot of the blame was back to me, saying my thoughts were not justified. What I hate is the constant mind manipulation. Rant over.
Kathy
The mind manipulation is because he wants it on his terms only.
AngieBaby
Casey, you asked a reasonable question at the 3 month mark and he told you the truth. He didn’t expect you to walk away, he expected you to try harder to convince him. That’s why he’s doing a little gaslighting, LOL.
Trust your gut. Do what suits you, just don’t get sucked in by his pretty words. He doesn’t sound like he’s good BF material at the moment.
AngieBaby
Read this site long enough and you’ll realize how predictable guys are. They’re pretty basic. And when they who and tell you who and what they are and where they are with you, believe them. Women want to fix and convince and all kinds of other unproductive behavior. We get all in too fast with them rather than observing during the first 3-4 to see if they meet our standards… but too often we don’t know what our standards even are.
Maddie
He doesn’t know how to get his needs met. He likes you, and he wanted something casual (his need). You said that didn’t meet your needs and *properly* left. Now he wants to find a way to keep you around (because he likes having you around) that still doesn’t require commitment (meets his needs, ignores yours), and he’s throwing a bunch of stuff at the wall including manipulation to see if anything works. It’s a square peg in a round hole issue and he’s not mature enough to see the incompatibility and walk away because he still wants you, on his terms. Or, worse, he doesn’t care about your needs. These are f*ckbois, and it’s easy to question yourself if you’re an empathetic person who hasn’t encountered it before. Take the good advice here from everyone who has responded and trust yourself without question. If you want a relationship eventually (not with him) going with your instinct to walk away when your needs clearly can’t be met longer-term is the right way to get there.
Casey
Thank you, even in in the past with other people I dated and had relationships with, I knew pretty much 2 months – 3 months in if I wanted them to be my “boyfriend”. It’s the anxiety that gets me, the “am I meeting that girlfriend level” yet, almost like it’s a test …and it shouldn’t feel like that.
Maddie
It’s not about you being good enough for girlfriend level. It’s that you both want different things out of relationships right now in general, but he’s making it into a power struggle instead of acknowledging the incompatibility and being an adult about it. That should make you double down on the fact you’re making the right decision by calling it off, not question yourself.
tammy
i agree with angie. even i dont see this going anywhere. put in minimal effort and let him step up many times over. and well why couldn’t he meet you over weekends?
Casey
He was busy shopping, running errands, had plans with friends, was seeing family, going away to visit friends. Sometimes time might crop up on a weekend when he is free, but it was usually in the evening and that’s all. I explained that I wanted to spend more time with each other on the weekends, but he said I was the one that should be asking him and I never make plans with him. How can you make plans when you know someone is busy. This all I now see boils down to the not wanting a relationship. It’s having life on his terms. I can’t put myself through more months, even years (who knows) of having anxiety of where something is heading, or just waiting for something to burn out.
tammy
casey as many have advised, you need to step way back to make way for him to step up. the fact that he doesn’t include you in his weekend plans just makes things a little dicey for me.
you know like a Friday evening spilling over to a Sat stay over. or spend a leisurely sat out for shopping movies dinner. or dress up and go out for dinner and drinks on fri or sat nite with no worries about late nites. or a lazy lunch on sunday and winding up early.
i think making plans to spend some quality time over the weekends is not so difficult. maybe he is just not ready to be in a relationship since he is not inclined to give things more time. seriously this is not worth it. unless he makes efforts.
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