Ex came to my rescue

Is he still on the dating apps trying to get dates?

Someone can care about you deeply, especially in a situation which could have been life and death, but never be a good romantic partner. Would you be happy with someone who is there for you in a crisis but can’t stay loyal to you? This reflects who he is, not on you. You can find someone else who is there for you in both good times and bad AND doesn’t cheat. It is up to you to think about what you want and what’s most important to you.

Maddie- sadly, you are absolutely right I feel. I want a partner that’s consistently there for me and is loyal too. During the relationship when ge had been cheating and j no clue, I had felt abandoned almost on a daily basis. I don’t think what he has for me is love… But it hurts like physical pain to accept it…I just want to write it off as his bad phase….but if he was to ever have this bad phase again I don’t think I would be able to take it so I think it’s better that we remain broken up. Thanks.

Angie baby- yes, I did mention that I am scared that I might die. Although just his saying that he is coming to get me and has booked his tickets gave me strength to manage it on my own, but he did come over…But you are right, no matter how unfaithful a person is they wouldn’t want you dead..thanks

Thanks for your reply Eric. I thought I knew him deeply, but once the cheating happened I realised that I didn’t. During the relationship I would keep trying to find out what his issues were, why he wasn’t as communicative and loving as before, I wasn’t clingy about it tho. He however, would comfort me saying that this is how he is in a serious long term relationship, he gets comfortable but loves me nevertheless. So I shook away all the bad feelings only to discover later that he was cheating on me. So I would say he doesn’t talk to me or anybody about his fears, frustration etc all the time or completely. He has communication issues he says but would love to talk and be with me and take the relationship forward. Tbh I just see him now as a classic guy who pretends to care about every woman but really no one means anything more than a piece of meat to him so I don’t think I can forget about the cheating. It came as a total shock. He really wanted me to believe he was into me, while he went around cheating as he was bored. He totally wants to marry me and be with me forever, but I think he wants to be able to cheat too.

It takes a lot for someone to commit to stop cheating – to really do the work to make that happen and how the other person they will do whatever it takes to repair the damage they caused.

The reasons people cheat:

1. To force the end of the relationship
2. To find connection they don’t feel they’re getting
3. Mental illness – narcissism, sociopath, borderline personality, anxiety/depression
4. Revenge
5. Substance abuse
6. Low self esteem
7. Validation/ego boost
8. Sex addiction/believes that sex with one person isn’t enough, needs variety
9. Denying a part of their real identity
10. Emotionally immature – insufficient relationship and communication skills

Given what you’ve said about him… I’d get him out of your phone and email contacts and not contact him again, ever, no matter what is happening in your life. This incident seems to have messed with your head. You know he hasn’t changed, yet you’re wondering if his showing up to help you has any meaning. Personally, I couldn’t be friends with someone who treated me like he treated you. It takes a lot for someone to change from being a cheater to being 100% faithful and do what it takes to repair the damage to the relationship their cheating caused. It takes a lot of work and it takes time. From what you said, you know he won’t. For your own good, close the door on this guy.

Eric- however, I do wonder what is the kind of evidence that would suggest that his values have changed. In the sense when a man cheats on you and tries to make you believe that he regrets it and won’t do it again, what are the signs that would mean he isn’t bluffing and actually wants to change? I didn’t feel he was actually sorry because he didn’t give me the full truth. He only accepted responsibility for the things that I had total proof of. Rest he just brushed everything aside. Second, he didn’t go for therapy etc as he was too upset by the breakup but would go eventually. Third, I still found him trying to find other women while telling me he’s dying without me. I mean he is basically doing the same thing that I was hurt by and is trying to suck me back in the same thing. Fourth, when I even tried to give him a chance he began bargaining thoroughly and refused to do most of the things. For instance, I had told him that I am jealous and furious and can’t see a female around you till I overcome these feelings. He said ok he won’t meet any female friends till I am comfortable. Then a female friend of his invited him to his home for a drink and talks and he went without so much as a thought about me. The whole week he was with me and didn’t mention it, but then deliberately left on Saturday so he could meet her. He just told this to me over call. I felt so insecure and bad and asked him why did he agree to this arrangement of he had no intention of actually going through with it? He just told me in a fit of Rage that I am equally conniving a d manipulative and you just keep trying to make me do things to see your importance in my life, you aren’t important at all. I left it at that. And didn’t try to make this work again no matter how much he cried or said sorry afterwards.

Wow that’s so true. I can be thankful that he came to help me. But at the same time I can also accept that he isn’t what I really want in a relationship: loyal and someone who has integrity of character. Thanks.