Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Ex-H keeps trying to hurt me, yet he’s moved on romantically for 2yrs
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Rox.
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Queenie
Hey all,
Not sure if this an advice post or venting post, maybe a bit of both? But it’s been weighing on me and I guess I’m seeking advice and an open ear.
I’ve been separated for 3+ yrs now. My previous attorney tried multiple times to settle with his to no avail. It was a DV situation. The ex has had a gf for 2 yrs (although I lapsed when my dad died and he took advantage of my weakness and I gave in not knowing he was in a relationship 2yrs ago).
Anyways, he had me served with divorce papers recently, and I’m glad because I felt I shouldn’t be financially responsible for his dismantling our marriage. Well he wrote on the servers papers that I was 200+lbs and balding, and 36-50yrs old. This may sound trivial, but I was never 200+ even at 9months pregnant with our child, and he knew at the time I was actively trying to maintain a healthy weight (he always made fun of my overweight friends which was a fight often, but I digress). He’s also known I’ve always been self conscious of my thin hair (was and am not balding, just have genetically thin hair), and he knows exactly how old I am because I used to kid that I was forever 25 and eventually he’d forget my real age, but he would come back with he’s exactly 10yrs older so he’ll never forget. When I read what he said, which I’m sure he knew I would, it f*cking hurt. I tell myself he’s obviously trying to hurt me still, but I just don’t understand why. He’s been with his gf for 2yrs, they are both well over 250lbs (not that that matters, but it’s obvious I am not), and they make it clear they’re obsessed / in love with each other. I’ve never come between them, except the time I didn’t know about her, and I’ve dated / am dating my fair share, but I keep that personal. And in our latest divorce mediation he kept saying nasty things to me, but I would just look at my attorney and not respond, even though it was clear he was trying to hurt me/ get a rise out of me.
After all this time, and him moving on, and me being agreeable to divorce terms, why the he** is he STILL trying to hurt me?!! I’m trying to hold my head high and not let it get to me, but after 10yrs together, I just can’t understand how one can go from that to pure nasty hate.
Thank you for listening…Raven
Because he’s an @ss hole…
Maddie
You’ve said before he’s a narcissist and emotionally abusive, right? This could actually work in your favor: if the person who served you the papers got that description and then saw it was totally inaccurate in person, perhaps they can be called on to put your ex’s words in doubt as your ex is clearly unreliable and inaccurate in his accounts of things, if it came to that for any reason.
But in general, ignore this fool. He’s a child, and his words don’t give or take away from your value. It’s hard, but you already know from experience that he’s not worth it.
Queenie
The person serving me did question me , he read his paper and when I answered the door, he said I didn’t fit the description and asked for an ID. He was kind, but doing his job.
Queenie
Thank you Raven and Maddie. I really appreciate your honesty, opinion and support. This whole thing with a malignant narcissist has been so difficult to navigate, and I hate to be that girl that only talks about how terrible her ex is, if that makes sense…
Liz Lemon
He’s a cruel, manipulative jerk. That’s why he’s trying to hurt you and get a response out of you. It’s a power play and he’s getting off on it. Don’t try to understand the “why” of what he does. Seriously, you will drive yourself crazy.
I’ve been there with my ex, believe me! You can’t let him get you upset every time he presents his version of reality. That’s giving him the power. My ex made up all kinds of cr@p about me too, during and after our divorce, and I just ignored it. It was irritating, sure, but I didn’t lose sleep over it. It’s tough, believe me I know it is— but you have to develop a thick skin. So what if he says you’re 250 lbs and losing your hair– it’s not true. Him saying it doesn’t make it true. If he said you had purple skin and giant green horns, would you let it bother you? Of course not, because he’s ridiculous. He’s petty, cruel, and manipulative. So you just have to put up a mental wall and not let his crazy lies get to you.
Also- it’s OK to say your ex his horrible. He is horrible! He is objectively a terrible person. It doesn’t make you petty or b!tchy to acknowledge that. So don’t apologize or feel guilty for acknowledging reality.
Keep in mind divorce often brings out the worst in people. Even stable, kind people. So imagine the effect it has on a manipulative narcissist! It’s going to bring out the worst in him, so just expect it. He’s not going to be reasonable or kind. Do your best to get through it, & lean on your friends and family for support. Many women have been through this, you are not alone! You’ll get through it and eventually it will just be cr@p that happened in the past. It doesn’t feel like it now, but it will.
tammy
i agree with Liz. you will have to learn and condition yourslf to not let his words affect you. dont engage and stick to the job in hand which is to get your divorce.
Rox
Hi Queenie,
Divorces are tough. I believe you can just ask your lawyer to take care of everything. There is no need for you to show up to mediation meetings, your lawyer is your representative and will take the necessary info back to you.Liz Lemon
That’s not totally accurate (about not having to appear in court during a divorce)– at least, in my experience. While it’s true that your lawyer can appear at some of the court dates without you, and represent you, you will at some point have to appear before a judge along with your ex, and each give testimony. Especially since children are involved. The judge will listen and observe as you both testify and make a determination about who gets primary custody, etc. Which is why it’s important to develop a thick skin. You will at some point have to be in court together. If you’re lucky (like in my case), your ex will act up and come across as unstable in front of the judge, and you will come out on top!
Rox
Hi, @ LizLemon – the process in Canada must be different because I am very familiar with the system here.
Rox
oh whoops, I forgot. Except for the final signing of the divorce. Yes, you both have to be in person in front of a judge.
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