Home › Forums › How To Get My Ex Back › Ex is seeing someone new but won't close the door for us
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bren.
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Brennan
My ex broke up with me in the beginning of May. After a really difficult year and no communication he felt like there was no hope. After we broke up I told him I wanted continue seeing each other to either work on relationship or work on friendship to get back into relationship. I saw him at least twice/week. It started to dwindle off. During this time I did some soul searching and realized I had a lot going on that way preventing me from being the best partner. It wasn’t my personality that sucked or didn’t match it was stress/depression/anxiety/thyroid issue over the past 2 years. I reached out to him because I thought it would make a difference. He had already started to see someone new, to try to move on from his feelings he still had from me. After realizing what was going on inside of me I found a new confidence and positivity that made me feel like he and I had a potential future. I reached out to him to essentially “squash my confidence” aka tell me we had no chance in hell. He ended up saying the exact opposite: the changes I was making could make a difference, he could see us reconnecting in the future and falling back in love, we do have a possible shot in hell, if I am able to get back to the girl he first dated (who I am currently making moves towards) he could see us together because we had a lot of fun. Said it wasn’t that easy to just say no, saying no was a way for me to back off. The next day I asked him what I thought was an easy question for him to close the door on us, “would you be willing to step back from your situation to allow time for us to spend together?”, he couldn’t answer it. I gave him the weekend and reached out to him after having my first therapy session which left me feeling pretty bad. The answer he gave me was “I don’t think I can do that”. Its making it difficult me to just forget about him when he says these things. He won’t block me like I asked when I reached out for him to “squash my confidence”, he said he will just ignore me. I don’t know what to do. I want to make these changes for myself and build myself back up but I also want to show him and he even said it would make a difference. How long is too long to hold out?
Gaia
Congrats on finding YOU and acknowledging things you need to work on. That is super important and I’m glad you are going to therapy. Now for the tough love: Block him and move on. You are showing this man that you have no boundaries and that you will sit around and wait for him. Why would you want to wait around for a man who has already moved on with someone else? Don’t let him date her and then have you to fall back on when/if he gets bored in the new relationship. It’s not fair to anyone involved. Keep working on you and stop speaking to this man until you are well passed healed from the breakup.
brennan
Thank you. Just hard to throw in the towel after 6 years. I know I wasn’t my best in the relationship, just want to show him who I want to be and that who I was wasn’t my genuine personality. I will be seeing him this Sunday so I guess I will ask him to shut the door on me and throw away the key since I can’t seem to give up hope.
Maddie
He doesn’t ever have to shut the door on you. He can string you along as long as you’ll allow. It’s your responsibility to focus on yourself and do what’s best for yourself, which is shutting the door on him to practice healthy boundaries for yourself. That’s not throwing 6 years away. That’s figuring out who you are and who you want to be and giving yourself the space to get there yourself, for yourself and you alone, with no distraction. He’s not going to end things with the new prospect for YOU, he’ll end it with her if it plays out that they are incompatible. Which shows you not to make your decisions based on him either, since he’s not basing his on you. If you’re both one day available and reconnect and you’ve changed, maybe things would be different, but maybe he’ll have changed too and your changes would make you grow even further apart and you won’t even like him anymore. There’s no, if you change one thing everything will be perfect, as I’m sure the breakup was both of your faults and not just yours, so don’t take on all the blame. You also can’t “go back” to the beginning of a relationship. That’s a time when there was less pressure, things were less serious, you didn’t know each other as well. That’s why early relationships are known as honeymoon periods. Trying to “get back” there is a fallacy because you can only grow together (or apart) based on who you are now not based on the past or on future potential. Cut him off, let his new dating situation play out however it will, leave him alone, and get yourself straightened out. Early therapy sessions are hard, but big BIG kudos to you, and no matter what happens with him if you stick out therapy with a good therapist you’ll end up in a better place with yourself and happier, which will improve the quality of your romantic relationships no matter who they are with. It’s worth it!
brennan
Thank you. I guess I asked that question so it would be simpler for him to say “no”. I didn’t exactly mean the honeymoon phase, I kinda meant how I used to feel before I had all this stress. Majority of the years I had school or stress going on and I never learned to cope with it properly. This last 1-2years put me overboard. I will do my best to shut the door on him. I guess it’s just difficult not hearing the “no’s”. Doesn’t make me feel like I can win him back or get him back just makes me feel like things would fall back together or we would be able to move forward. I don’t know how to explain it. Therapy is very hard. I was on a high last week and now I am low. Never thought I would feel the need to reach out to him or need him but I did. I guess I just don’t know how to let go.
Elvira
Hi Brennan
Really sorry you are going through this, Maddie gave great advice. I would like to add I also went through a difficult breakup last year and just like you held hope to reconcile but he remains the same and I cannot deal with that. The big mistake I made was not cutting off contact right after and taking that time to “heal myself”. Letting go is hard for both parties and one has to be the stronger person especially if you feel you have to work on yourself.
Unfortunately since you are placing all the blame on yourself I feel he is distancing himself even more – no one wants to be with someone who continues to say -I have to change- I have to change. The proof is when he sees it. Like Maddie stated work on yourself, therapy can help and once you are strong and confident and the person you are happy with that difference will show.
Maybe by then he will have ended that relationship or not but you will be able to “pick” who you want to be with not the other way around. If it is meant to be it will come back, trust me I truly believe that.brennan
Thank you Elvira. When we broke up we saw each other at least twice/week and talked about what went wrong, he said he would do things differently too. I have enforced what I am doing is to make myself better but everything I spoke about when I examined the relationship after the breakup was still something that would need to happen. Before I found out he was seeing someone I had that opinion. I wanted the chance to show him what I was doing for myself and show him the person I was finally feeling like, just talking about it right now makes me feel better. Obviously he feels more guilty being around me. I told him I wanted time to show him, before anything got serious. I would love to make these changes for myself and show him the person I want to be, for myself and for my future. He said he was scared I would work on things and make improvements then stop. I tried to explain this is something that would be life long and probably become a hobby for me. Constantly checking in with myself, learning to communicate without feeling ashamed. He has agreed to help me move. Just difficult to never have him in my life. I wish he would have just waited, focused on ourselves and then come back to see what we could be. But I am dreaming at this point. Thats why I asked him to squash my confidence. I just have this crazy feeling in my heart. I don’t know how to explain.
Erin
Close the door yourself and don’t look back
This whole affair is seriously dysfunctional and will do you more harm than good. All the work you’re doing to get better, do it for yourself not for anyone or to prove anything to anyone. What’s meant to be will be you’re pushing too much.
Don’t wait for no man to change his mind and start noticing you or cushion you in case his other plan falls through. You’re better than that.
I’m gonna be honest and say I don’t think it will work out anytime soon between you guys. Only one of you has done the work, the other chose a new relationship as a way of coping and I don’t think he has learnt anything which is why he is speaking with a forked tongue and sending you mixed signals.
Just drop him and focus on building yourself up.
bren
Thank you. I will try to take your advice to heart and push forward.
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