Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Ex mad at me for moving on
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Sophia.
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J
My ex (she’s 37) broke up with me last summer for the second time. She completely destroyed me. She said she needs to focus on her PhD program and work (she is a psychologist/social worker) and is depressed. She used to be madly in love with me. I was going through a divorce when I met her and she kept bugging me to speed things up because she wanted to marry me.
She only really reaches out to me when she needs emotional comfort now. She’s always complaining about being tired or achy. She cancels appointments with her patients all the time due to her always being tired. But she is very successful professionally and has a lot of respect from others in her field. She has decided to move out of the country in May and when I found out she was officially moving it was through a friend of a friend. I had a panic attack and when I told her how awful that made me feel to not be part of her future plans she told me “I thought we already talked about this hun.” Last time I went to her place a picture in a frame of us was turned down on the table, but she still had my shirt on her bed that she uses to smell when she misses me.
She found out that I made a tinder and is extremely angry with me now. I don’t know if she made a tinder to find me or if one of her friends found me or what. But she’s so angry even though she has reminded me when I get upset about us not being together that we are not dating. She has been married before and when her ex husband cheated on her she slept with his best friend to get back at him.
If you met this woman you would have NO CLUE she could act this way because she puts on a good show. And she is very caring and all of that. I don’t know what to think about any of this. Apparently I’m not allowed to move on although SHE is the one who left me and is moving away? Is she mad to make me look like the bad guy because she is leaving?
Raven
Why do you continue to interact with her?
Liz Lemon
What Raven said. Why are you providing “emotional comfort” to her? Cut this toxic person out of your life, and your quality of life will improve.
Persephone
This is pure drama. Not allowed to move on? You should move on and so should she. This whole thing only keeps happening because you both allow it. And why are you even talking?!?
You’re broken up. That means neither of you has the right to express or dump your feelings on one another about what the other one is doing. Of course, you have a right to feel any way you feel, but neither of you has the right to comment on the other.
If I were you I’d send one final text wishing her all the best in her new country and then block her everywhere.
J
I don’t know why I continue to interact with her… I love her, but I know I should leave it. Is my ex just using me or something?
I was sort of seeing another girl over the last two months and she is amazing. But I can’t seem to form any romantic feelings at all because I’m so stressed out about my ex. Is my ex ruining my chance with the new girl? She said I talk about my ex a lot, so I stopped doing that.
T from NY
Kindly -this isn’t even an ex girlfriend problem. It is a YOU issue. You are choosing your love for some tepid girl over love for yourself. You are being emotionally unavailable by hanging on to something toxic to your well being. Know – really really know – that doing the right thing is RARELY the easy thing. Once you work on – truly work on – loving yourself more than any woman who is flakey, doesn’t value you, isn’t fully committed to you – it will free up space in your heart for someone who is emotionally available. Once you feel this way about yourself – any person who doesn’t adore you will become a turn off to you. You wont be able to stomach it.
When will you start working on being ready for real love?
I hope today.tammy
@ T from NY thanx for your post. really liked what you wrote and it totally resonated with me cause i was caught in something like this for years. i hope the OP really pays attention to your post and cuts her off from his life totally.
Caetru
I just want to add that you need to completely move on from your ex before you start dating again. It’s not fair to this new, amazing women that you’ve been dating. If you are talking about your ex so much that the new woman is pointing it out, you shouldn’t be dating. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience coming from the new woman’s perspective.
Regardless of your ex’s motivations, you are choosing to remain in a toxic relationship with her and then complaining that you are a victim. Some people actually enjoy being in toxic relationships for the tense drama and anxiety that they create. They’re afraid of a calm, normal, healthy relationship. I agree this is a ‘You’ issue
J
Now last night she was telling me she’s feeling so depressed about the move out of the country and that she thinks she needs to check herself into the hospital for mental health reasons. I feel stuck. I’m afraid if I don’t support her that she will harm herself. I don’t know what to do?!?!?!
J
Also, thank you ALL for your help. I am noting all of this and am taking it seriously.
Maddie
“I’m afraid if I don’t support her that she will harm herself.”
Putting it plainly, you are still in a co-dependent and abusive situation with your ex. This is a very typical abuser manipulation tactic and a boundary violation. “If I hurt myself it’s YOUR fault.” A co-dependent will take this to heart and fall all over themselves to get the other person attention, validation, resources, try to prove to the other person that the other person has value and shouldn’t hurt themselves. And while sometimes people DO need compassion and help, someone with a history of control tactics and abuse like she has with you is NOT the person you can help.
She is acting out because she has major issues. You’re trying to move on and she is afraid of losing that control over you and losing you as a source of, for lack of a better term, narcissistic supply. I highly recommend you cut her out and start looking into professional guidance for yourself to recover from this so you can move on.
Sophia
Hi J.
I am sorry you’re going through this. I went through the exact same thing. What I learned is we are all responsible for ourselves and only ourselves.I strongly advise you to cut her off. It is the kindest thing to do. Hear me out on why. Without you in her world to run to, she’ll now learn to stand on her own. By removing her escape hatch (you) she’ll have to deal with her issues with the help of people trained to do so.
You should encourage her to go to a hospital for a short stay. Encourage her to feel better. Because she has many more issues right now than just you moving on. Then wish her well and stop all communication.
Keep what’s good about her tucked away in a place in your heart. Whenever you wonder how she’s doing, don’t reach out! You’ll send her healing backwards, and that’s not what you want to happen. So when you open that compartment door where she lives in your heart, remind yourself she’s in good hands and close it again.
Any contact will be detrimental. Leave her with love.
Block her everywhere. For her sake and yours. You love her, so pray for her health and happiness, but please move on. It’s time.
Long story short, without the drama:
You dated.
She broke up with you.
End of communication.
You move on.You weren’t put here to be her personal savior. Only she is responsible for her life.
So go live yours. Good luck with Miss Amazing or whomever you may meet!
You got this. 💛 -
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