Ex Repeatedly Contacting Me During No Contact…What to Do

Talia,

To answer your question, remain in NC. It’s not game playing. It’s taking a stance that you will no longer putt up with his bs. When he contacts you, if he’s not apologizing, showing remorse about what happened, and wanting to work things out, he doesn’t get a response. It’s as simple as that. He knows what he did wrong, you don’t have to tell him. It’s time for him to step up, be a man, and make things right if he wants to get back together. The ball is in his court. He needs to think that’s he’s lost you, experience an “end” here. He needs to go through the actual experience, not having you by his side. If he truly cares and really wants to get back together, he will do the right thing and make amends. But DO NOT sit around and wait for that to happen. Get out, spend some time with your girlfriends, find a hobby, and start dating other men. You have a life outside of him and others want to spend time with you as well. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

I’ve had 2 exes reach out recently and Ness is right – remain no contact. in my situation I don’t want either one but still, do no contact because often when they send those texts it means nothing has changed, they’re just trying to see if you are still into them, then if you give in the same problems that were going on before are there because it takes a lot for a guy to TRULY change. And if they did, you would know it from them really humbling themselves & sincerely making it known. Anything else is 9 times out of 10, crap, & nothing has changed. Keep no contact & he’ll see you aren’t falling for just anything you’re a total prize

@ Ashley,

You’re definitely right. I’m going to remain silent unless he really shows some sort of remorse and really wants ME and not the idea of me. It’s going to take time, of course, and I’m open to that, because I need to grow as well. Thank you, lovely!

@ LL,

I’m sorry that guy did that to you! He sounds like he’s not very secure in his own wants and needs and took it out on you. Men are definitely wimps!! I agree with the idea that I’d be settling for his breadcrumbs, and I definitely won’t. Thank you!

I agree with Kaye, it’s best to tell the guy that you’ve broken up and don’t want any more contact unless something substantial changes on his end. Then stick to your decision no matter what.

Over a year ago I went no contact on my ex. Even tho HE broke up with me, he couldn’t stop contacting me for several months. I rarely responded except to ask him to leave me alone. He wouldn’t listen and I had to block everything and just not respond no matter what he said. Eventually he stopped but it took a long time. Now he’s trying to reach out again through third parties. (He’s even commented on my BF’s facebook page.)

I’m sorry your torn. I can totally understand because I’ve been there. Ideally you should have told him you needed space and no contact after the first text and you wouldn’t be here now. But that’s not the case.

This is what I can pretty much guarantee you. When my ex contacted me to apologize and tell me he wanted to try again, he started it with a stupid text about whether it was my car he just saw at the gas station!! LOL But something has to open the door to get to that conversation. He wasn’t going to just bust out with a text pouring out his heart if he didn’t think I was even open to talking to him. Do you see what I’m saying?

You’re ignoring this guy and still expecting that text from him saying he’s an idiot, you are the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he’s ready to make a commitment to you. If he was truly afraid of his emotions the first time around, then he’s not going to grow these balls of steel overnight!! LOL It’s going to start with an innocent text message and go from there. If you really didn’t care about getting back with him or keeping him as a friend then I would continue to ignore him.

That being said, you still need to go no contact for awhile for you to both think about this, get your emotions in check, and make sure giving him another chance (assuming he steps up) is correct. I personally think continuing to ignore him is just going to create resentment from his side because you are the one who broke up with him and now aren’t talking to him. Why would he keep trying to apologize, get you back, step up if you’re ignoring him? No one wants to keep beating their head against a brick wall. Show him the common courtesy of at least knowing you’re not wanting to talk with him right now but you’re open to it later!

Hi all,

So here’s an update, and boy do I feel stupid. So after a lot of contemplation and guilt-wearing, I decided the best for me in this situation was to reach out, to let him know I don’t hate him and I’m not showing him the same “courtesy” he showed me with regard to ghosting.

I thought over what I wanted to say, and finally just went with my gut. I sent him a harmless “?” That was literally it. I figured it extended an olive branch if he actually had something he wanted to say to me, without initiating or being my usual “doormat” gentle self with overly sweet responses.

About a minute after I sent that, my friend texted me saying she came across his profile on Tinder. Wow! Did I wish I could reach out into space and retract my text – innocent as it was – or what! I feel so silly. I understand men operate differently than we do, but that still stung. Baiting me into feeling guilty while actively participating on an app notorious for hookups.

But the text was out there, and due to his past determination in attempting to start conversation, I figured he’d jump at the chance. Well, he sure didn’t. He didn’t respond at all! That also stung.

And continuing on, to cheer myself up, I decide to use my (paid) Hulu account to watch my favorite show Seinfeld and unwind. When I get on, I see all this history – and CURRENTY watching at that very moment – a bunch of things I never watched. Curious, I checked devices active, and see Apple TV. My ex is the only person I know who has Apple TV. This “gentleman” makes at least 3x as much as me and still doesn’t feel guilty using my account…when my name is emblazoned in HUGE letters at the top of the screen. The worst part? I felt too guilty about being “rude” to change my password! I know I need to though.

I can’t believe I let myself believe he wanted to talk to me, or had some sort of regret or misgivings about our relationship ending. I was riddled with guilt over mistreating someone while he was using my Hulu account and prowling Tinder.

I feel so stupid!!! Needless to say, I’m back on STRICT NC and will feel absolutely zero guilt about maintaining it.

What a nightmare. Thanks for listening as usual!! :)

Shelly,

You’re absolutely right. While I’m still just hurt by everything, I mostly feel stupid. I can’t believe someone I was with for a good length of time, but not THAT long, could have such power to dismantle my self worth and self confidence.

That’s not right, and he proved he doesn’t deserve the consideration or energy. I am just…I don’t know. I’m pretty appalled honestly. I’m going to try and not let this affect my outlook on future relationships, but I definitely think I’ll need a long time alone with myself to rebuild my foundations and care for me.

Thanks for the response!

Hi Greenie,

Thanks for your response. Perhaps I should’ve explained it better. The “?” is something we used as a jokey form of communication in our relationship; it’s an inside joke that he knows the meaning of well. Whenever one of us would text something weird or unusual the other would send a “?” for a signal to “please elaborate.” We talked about this in person, and were both well aware of the significance of what this meant.

So to him, he would’ve easily recognized this as a “please elaborate,” and a nod to our inside jokes, to show I wasn’t upset. Should I have given in to him and apologized for not telling him initially that I was going No Contact? Maybe, maybe not. That feels an awful lot like setting my feelings aside to cater to his. He never did me that decency when he vanished from our relationship when I asked to talk to him.

The Tinder thing was upsetting because during his ghosting phase, when we were not even officially broken up yet, we were in that limbo while I let him have “space,” my friend came across his profile on there. To which of course, I didn’t say anything, what’s his business is his business, but it certainly spurred be on to pull the final plug. So why that would be upsetting is because he is playing a game. He reaches out repeatedly with nonsense, all while looking to hookup. So clearly he doesn’t want anything serious from me, and is just pushing his limitations to see if I’ll respond.

The Hulu account, he actually didn’t have the password to. I set it up at his house one time to watch a show when I was there sick, and apparently never logged out. He never asked me if he could use it, and had we been together, I of course wouldn’t have minded. It’s the fact that, yes, he acted very poorly during this whole breakup and continues to reap rewards I didn’t offer him…if that makes sense.

Could I have behaved better? Perhaps. But I’m sick of being the doormat in the chase of being the “cool girl.” I’m done with that.

Thanks again! :)

One more thing… Allana Pratt addresses a few things in her youtube video “my ex keeps texting me!” – you might want to check it out.

Guys don’t need to be handled with kid gloves when they do not handle women with kid gloves. When you show them courtesy when that is not the manner they operate in, it just looks like you are still even giving them the time of day. I think not talking to a man who did that sort of thing isn’t being rude & it’s just “can’t be bothered” and guys get it, it’s not the same as doing that to a sweet person ya know? There is a saying a girl once told me a long time ago to never feel bad about what little thing you “do” to a guy, thinking you’re being mean, because they’re doing something way worse. It’s true, they’re big boys, & don’t need to be handled with care. UNLESS they actually ARE kind respectful guys. Never worry about being cruel to a guy like that because they don’t see it as “aw she was nice enough to explain something to me” they see it as you still are giving them (some form) of attention. I now live by, when in doubt, don’t say anything and it makes me feel sooo much better. But don’t feel stupid. You tried & now you see that he is still the same. It’s always better to know, than to wonder. :)

I’ve been there I know all too well how much it sucks! You just have to see it as now you know & now you have the benefit of not looking back :) it can feel great when you’re like well! Now I know, so never looking at his profile again :) and thanks for the compliment

Shelly, exactly!! It took me many heartbreaks to learn this haha