Ex trying to meet me

Yes, he came to meet me many times while I was in another city. But mostly on my insistence. And s*x was always involved, so that’s there. Since last April I stopped asking him to come as I didn’t see any point because i was only going on getting attached more and more and depressed more and more. He still asked many times if he could visit or if he could make arrangements for me to go and meet him. He would pay all the expenses whenever we met during this one year of no relationship.

I know it will sound crazy. But I was totally blindsided by the breakup. It came as a shock. Everything was going well. And I thought he will get back to his senses sooner or later and will change his decision. But he didn’t. I started chasing him. Many times we would get back together but he would be totally absent emotionally and would breakup again a month or two and it was all getting very toxic, he treated me really bad during this breakup…, that’s when I started getting depressed and accepting of the fact that he really doesn’t want to continue.. and i got very badly depressed by that. .

We kept in touch on his insistence he said that I am the only friend (female) he has, and if i also block him etc then he won’t have anyone in his life that he is emotionally close to.

Even I am very close to him. He is like my person. We did college together, got our first jobs together, did everything together. We were each other’s family. I just couldn’t find it in my heart to abandon him or have him abandon me totally….

He didn’t care about me even one bit while I was away. We would go 20 days without talking. I would obviously be spending all those 20 days crying…. :(

That’s why maybe I haven’t met him despite being in the same city for a month.

Your ex is not emotionally available and won’t change while you stay around, simple as that. You already called out that he is toxic and wants to use you as an emotional crutch and for sex yet doesn’t want to commit, so you are aware of what’s going on. But maybe it will help to hear that his commitment problems are not your fault or anything you did. He is comfortable with things exactly as they are: he gets emotional and sexual benefits without what he perceives as the additional effort and stress of a serious commitment. Not every guy is like this, some do want commitment! It sounds to me that he likely has a fearful avoidant insecure attachment style, which means he has feelings for you but due to his own issues he’s never going to really commit more than he already has (which isn’t much at all) because he doesn’t have the emotional capacity or availability to do so. Which means he will just keep taking whatever he can get from you, not because he’s malicious, but because that’s what feels good and not scary to him. Which means YOU need to look out for yourself and stick to your boundaries! That means not seeing him, not letting him get away with his sh*t by making you feel bad but refusing to step up for you. This will not change anytime soon, and he will keep hurting you if you stay in touch and aren’t over him. You don’t need to never speak or be friends ever again, but a long period of no contact may be just what you need to get over him romantically first, otherwise you will stay stuck in this pattern. If you have difficulty temporarily disconnecting from him, you may have an anxious insecure attachment style yourself. If you look into the anxious-avoidant trap, the relationship you’re describing is very common, one partner won’t commit, the other chases, it’s always half a relationship but never stabilizes as a full happy one, and it lasts as long as you allow it. And they suck! They’re very painful. So try to recognize his behavior isn’t your fault, but it’s also not acceptable to treat you that way (or allow someone to treat you that way), and things will get better if you do what’s best for you even if walking away feels painful at first.

He may flip and try to sweet talk you harder if you don’t give in the way you have in the past, but he won’t really change and will go right back to non-committal if you give in. Change in these situations, if it’s possible at all, takes months to years and usually therapy, and the person needs to truly desire to change. Which it sounds like he doesn’t at all. So you deserve better!

I know you people are right.. I have been working with a therapist. But we started off on the condition that she is going to ask me to go contact. So, she told me that it’s not always necessary to go total no contact with a person in order to detach. She told me to just to reach to an acceptance of the fact that he isn’t going to be around. And adapt to it. She told me to never initiate the talking first. Which I have grown good at. And to only discuss superficial things like weather etc for 2-5 minutes if he calls. No emotional or personal life topics. And to focus on making new friends and enjoying my life and working on my goals.

But I think I need to go no contact now. Because he has become very intrusive. He wants to know the address of the guys I hangout with. Just imagine. Plus he accuses me of sleeping with them. As if he has any right to do that. Looks like he doesn’t respect me enough. So there’s no point in keeping this unnecessary contact.

And that hit in the right place: a best friend doesn’t use you like that. That’s true. That’s what I always wonder that how he can try to use me for sex when he himself has ended the relationship. And of all people he chooses to use ME. ME???? I mean I was his family and princess. How could he even think about using me…….that hurts so much….

you are not friends, he treats you like this property , he thinks he owns you while giving very little in return. You need to let him go for now.