Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Ex was trying to get back together while he was already with someone else
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 2 years, 5 months ago by
Lauren920.
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Hpbebe
Not sure if I’m posting in the right forum since this about an ex and I’m not trying to get him back, but here it goes:
Things finally ended with my ex a year ago. However yesterday I found out that the last time he saw he me and came to my house telling me he still loved me and begging me to get back together with him, he had already been dating another woman for 4-5 months! I of course had no idea at the time, although looking back on it certain things make perfect sense now. I cut things off him with after that last time we saw each other because he was acting hot and cold with me. Anyway, he’s now engaged to that same same woman, and I wonder if she knew that for those first 5 months he would reach out to me and try to see me. As for my history with him, we were in a relationship for about a year, then on and off for another year and a half, he met her during that last half year.
I am over this guy, but of course finding something like this out brings up mixed feelings. I just never thought he was the kind of guy who would cheat but I guess he is. And Of course finding out they’re engaged now makes me feel like why wasn’t I good enough. I’ll admit our main reason for breaking up was I want kids and he didn’t (he already has children). That last night I saw him he kept asking me if I was sure I wanted children and I said I was, he was trying to talk me out of it but I wouldn’t budge. The woman he’s with now already has children as well so I’m guessing she doesn’t want anymore either. Just a vent, so thanks for reading
Maddie
Why should any of this mean you’re not good enough? If anything, he’s not good enough if he’s creeping on you while 5 months in with another woman. He was also disrespectful to you… he responded to you saying you wanted kids by continuing to date you and coming back to say I love you while trying to talk you out of what you want?? Talk about disrespectful… lots of men do want children, will respect your lifestyle decisions, and will respect their relationships by not going behind a partner’s back to talk to another woman. If two people disagree on such a big lifestyle decision like children and have no reason to believe they’ll ever agree, then it is for the best to amicably have a clean break up before going further. But he was just messy and selfish about the whole thing (also a good indicator that he’s right about what he can handle and he shouldn’t have more children right now).
Try to be happy about how everything turned out. You’re now open and free to meet those better men who match up more with what you want!
Hpbebe
Yes, I know you’re right. I think it’s just hard for me because he was the only man I’ve been with who I actually saw myself marrying and growing old with. He’s older and already has kids so I understood him not wanting children but as you’ve stated he shouldn’t have been trying to talk me out of it. I think what hurts the most is him lying to me and that he’s engaged to this woman and he’s happy as a clam while I’m still single.
Raven
& his fiancé is engaged to a sh!t heel… Fortunately, you are not.
Maddie
I wouldn’t assume anyone is happy. He may have found someone more willing to put up with his bs, and Raven is right too. He’s quite capable of cheating! Even if they are happy, though, good for them: it doesn’t matter! You wouldn’t have been happy with him in the long run and want different things (like loyalty).
It’s okay to need to mourn the loss of the idea of him as your husband and to feel frustrated you’re not settled down with someone else yet. It doesn’t mean you want to go back to him or you’re not good enough! You can be sad about things not working out and need more time to figure out a different future than you had in your head. But I bet when you start seeing that you deserve more and you really feel it’s true, you’re going to look back on this and be REALLY happy things didn’t work out. Even if you’re still getting through it now and you’re not there quite yet, his lousy choices and decision don’t at all reflect on your value.
mama
I had something like this happen to me (but I was dumped because I wasn’t able to have anymore children and he wanted a bunch). It was such a punch to the gut. And then he was dating his current wife and would pine to me about making a poor decision in breaking up with me. It eventually came to light he was dating his current wife and I told him to never contact me again, even as “friends”. Then I blocked him from every part of my life that I could.
Now they are married and have 3 or 4 kids. I’ve no idea if they are happy or not, and I don’t really care. I was single for a long time after that and also experience the “why wasn’t I good enough” pang in my heart. But that wears off and you become stronger and learn more about what you need. After learning he was going behind his partner’s back, I realized I dodged a bullet.
And it leaves you open to better opportunities. I met my current partner at a time in my life that I was ready for him. :) It took a while, but it all worked out.
Good luck in your journey!
Lauren920
I don’t know that I would call what he did cheating. He was with this woman 4-5 months so who knows how serious it was at that point. I’m assuming they weren’t living together or anything. What I do find odd is that he ended up getting engaged to this same woman. If you’re still pining for an ex 5 months into dating someone else I’d assume you’re not ready to be dating someone new or you’re not crazy about the person you’re dating. So yea the fact that he got engaged to this woman is a bit puzzling. But other than that, Sounds like you want kids, he doesn’t so there’s no way this would’ve worked out anyway.
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