Excuses?

There are inexpensive rings he could buy.
I think his excuse is awful and I would highly consider moving on.

Do not move in with him unless he’s proposes and is ready to walk down the aisle.

I am not in a rush but we have talked and planned it, even down to who would be in our wedding and where we would hold it. At our ages when you know you cant wait to get your life started, you do it. Hes financially secure and neither one of us have debts. To me to say that to your girlfriend is very offensive, one of those things that even if you feel that way you dont say it out loud.

This is what I would say.

“Honey, I appreciate that you do not want to spend the money. However, I simply will not move in with a man who I am not engaged to with a date set. It sounds like engagement is not something you want to do right now, and I am ok with that. Honestly, I am struggling with if the financial aspect is the real issue or if there is another concern that you have. I hope you can share that with me when you are ready. Unfortunately, this means for me,that you will need to be ok with me not agreeing to live with you until our future is more settled. That seems like a fair compromise until something changes. I am willing to see what that looks like with us living separately for now and we can reassess in a few months.”

As to living with him before you are engaged. There are two schools of thought on that – however, the statistics say you should not live with anyone without engagement because marriage and living together are not the same. There are higher divorce rates for people who live together first. That said, it is not a major issue and is up to what is ok for you.

Those statistics mean nothing except the divorce rate is high anyway. If you are more conservative you would more likely to wait until marriage. In conservative cultures divorce is a shame so the marriage could be totall hell and still uphold. If both people work and the marriage would fail, its easier to get on your own two feet again. Its more likely those type of people try living together first.
None of my friends including myself are married and all in commited relationships and most with children. They dont show up in any statistics Normally the finances are arranged through buying a house so its still worked out in case of death for instance. Most of us are practical people, we hate spending tons on a day with nothing to show for. Of course people also get married but that is always low key.
American women tend to view marriage as their safe financial net. For me earning my own money is my net

Newbie,

While I appreciate how you live and you are entitled to it, please do not denigrate multiple peer reviewed studies based on your opinion or feelings.

The statistics (which are facts), do not bear out that living together without a long term plan towards a lifetime commitment (of which the proxy is marriage) is going to end well.

Please actually read them before you poo poo them. Divorce rates are 30% higher for people who just lived together – but those who were planning marriage or did pre-live together counseling fared much better.

Tall spicy, i only advocate my own opinion and in this case its not the most popular one, which is fine by me. But those statistics are a load of bs. First of all you need to have totally equal social economic backgrounds which i doubt is the case. Second those statistics are tend to favour a specific outcome. Thirdly the goal in life is not necessary not to get divorced but to life the best you can making yourself and others happy etc. On this forum are many divorced women and if you would ask them if living together or not played a part in the divorce process im betting 100% say no. Its because people change. So Yes the statistics are bogus and i think you know that.

There are statistics about gun deaths in the private scene between uk households and usa households that show that gun ownership in the uk leads to higher amounts of deaths percentage compared. At least that was the outcome of a sort of nra study suggesting more deaths with guns appear in the uk. The trick is gun possession in the uk is forbidden so the number of households with a gun in the uk is so low that pretty much every gun would lead to a kill. Thats statistics, create them how you like them

It takes one google search to get 15-20 studies that demonstrate what I was talking about. Multiple studies, multiple sources, similar conclusions. Preponderance if interpretations land on the same thing.

That said, the concept is that you should not be moving in without a plan and agreement on a long term, even lifelong commitment.

Yeah i got the opposite too or more like neutral. But im also not very inclined to trust Google top 5 as scientific proof. Im a researcher and a writer so i can argue this all day long, which wasnt my plan in this case. So Yes i agree with T, this is was makes op happy. Im still curious to know about the debt of other non wedding talks as i would go with that for now. And blame the moms. You can tell you know about the moms

When my (now ex) husband asked me to move in with him I told him point blank “I’m not going to act like a wife unless I’m a wife.” He proposed (without a ring) to me about a month later after a baseball tournament game in front of his teammates and our friends…its was sweet!

I do however believe $3,000 for an engagement ring is far too much, if the man feel’s its too much! Seriously, the man should get to decide what he’s willing to spend as he’s the one buying it. If you want a $3,000 set then you buy it, if he’s willing to spend $1,000 to $1,500 then he should get spend that much on a set the two of you can agree on.

This is what my ex husband and I did. We went together and purchased a wedding set (his and mine) within the parameters he could afford (willing to spend), which totaled about $800 as we were young and poor lol. I lost that set on a golf course 10+ years later but we were in a much better financial position (making over six figures) and even then I selected a new set that was around $1,800. My BF and I have discussed this where I told him its stupid to spend thousands of dollars on a ring, as its just *a symbol* that tells others “I’m taken.”

You have to decide what is more important to you as you seem to be placing too much importance on a material object than the man you claim to love.

Also his mom is placing pressure on him to at least get me a 1 carat diamond when it’s not even her ring! And I’ve told him countless time I dont care about that.

Chrissy, there’s a lot on this thread you need to ignore. People are getting caught up on their own stuff and their own points of view. Where or not marriage is important, how much to spend on a ring, how long to be engaged, etc. All that matters is YOUR value system, which a lot of people posting here clearly don’t share.

I get where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t move in with a man without a ring on my finger and a time frame for the wedding set.

It sounds like his mother is meddling and that’s where the rub is for him. You need to find out for sure. Have a talk with him and listen a lot. Tell him this is about the two of you deciding what you want to do, not anyone else. You’e already made it clear you don’t need a $3K ring but he’s still balking. Either there’s something more to the ring story or you and he have different value systems about engagement rings. (My ring in my first marriage cost $12K for what that’s worth. My ex’s choice. He was a high earner and that’s what he wanted to spend. So it’s relative.)

This is a good test of how you work together to resolve conflicts. If this can’t be resolved to where both of you feel heard and valued, then marriage may not be right for you two. What you’re asking for is perfectly reasonable. I hope he will open up to you and you can move forward together or decide that this is the end before you start wasting time on someone who issn’t serious about you.