Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Fading away, do I move on?
- This topic has 16 replies and was last updated 3 years, 9 months ago by
Amarello.
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Amina
I met this guy on a dating app and been dating for 3 months. He is an entrepreneur so quite busy but initiated 90% of messages and all our dates. Doesn’t always message everyday but never more than 2 days gap when he is busy and he always sends long voice messages or calls. Only time there was a one week gap was when he opened a new retail space for his business during busiest retail season so I understood that he was busy and did not take it personally so left him alone. And he liked that and came back stronger and better after that week.
We spent the Holidays apart as from different countries and we were speaking every day up to departure.
I got one text for Christmas and then I sent a voice message 5 days later telling him what I’d been up to and that I hoped he was having a great time. He responded a day and a half later saying what a lovely message that was, thanking me for keeping him updated and telling me about his time and wishing me a happy new year. I responded the next day wishing him Happy New year and to enjoy the rest of his stay.
Since then no news, it’s been almost a week and he went back from his holidays yesterday (I’m going back tomorrow).
Question: is he fading away? Or am I overthinking and he will come back eventually if I’m patient and was just enjoying family during the Holidays?
Sounds bizarre to me to not want to talk to someone you like at all for a week…Lesley
Since you guys have been dating for 3 months, I suppose you two have met in real life (just to double confirm because some people would interpret e-tethering as dating…)? Is the relationship exclusive yet? If it isn’t, give him some space. He seems to have a lot on his plate. If he wants to see you, he will find you before the weekend.
Amina
Hi Lesley, yes we have met, had several dates (once a week aside from the week he was super busy with work). Neither of us is dating other people but not had the DTR talk yet. Never had an argument and his last message was very sweet.
Lesley
From your text it seems that he is always the person initiating conversation? If I were you, perhaps wait another day or two. If still radio silence from him, send him text to check in.
Most men in a non-exclusive relationship do not feel the obligation to be constantly in touch (if he does, either he is really keen to make it works, or he is bored and into e-tethering). It also seems that he needs time and isnt ready to progress (otherwise he would have been coming after you).
Amina
He has been initiating mostly up until the Holidays which is why I sent a message 5 days into the Holidays to check in as thought maybe it’s not fair to expect him to always make the first step. He replied warmly and when I replied I did not get another message… Which is why I am not sure I should chase. He’s listened to it and has decided to ignore for whatever reason…
He’s been consistent over the past 3 months so the change is making me wonder if he is having doubts about progressing as this would be the natural next step based on how things have been going so far. I did not put any pressure and was happy with the way things were going up until now.
Lesley
Logic and experience tell me that if a man is interested to take things to another stage, he would follow up and try hard not to let the conversation died down. Don’t overanalyze why the connection is fading away or be overly reflective on what you have done that leads to this. No one knows the answer. Perhaps he wants to focus on his business, feel guilty for holding your back but unable to promise you anything? Or he is simply tired of having to be in touch? Or he is simply not a texter? People change their mind all the time. Dont fixate on him. Activate your app and keep your options open too.
Liz Lemon
The 3-4 month mark is a very important time in dating, because it’s when many relationships end. If you read this site you’ll find a lot of women posting who’ve been dating a guy for that period of time, and the guy starts to fade away. It’s the point where the guy decides if he sees himself with this woman long term, and wants to take things to the next level.
I’m sorry to say it doesn’t sound like this guy is very into you. Texting is extremely low effort (it literally takes seconds to send a text) and he’s not even bothering to do that. He goes days without communicating with you at all. He has not tried to see you more than once a week. These aren’t the actions of a guy who is trying to woo a woman and win her over. If I were you I’d take a huge step back. Start dating other guys. I don’t think this guy is going to suddenly step up and intensity things, if he were going to do that he would have started the process already.
Tallspicy
I say give him 2-3 weeks to gear this back up and if he does not, get rid of him.
There are a lot of yellow flags here:
– once a week visits
– no mention of a relationship
– been really out of touch over the holiday
– no holiday wishes or present (even small)Men who want to be boyfriends act and talk like it. And usually no later than 6-12 weeks. Since it was Xmas and he had a launch, I will be generous
If he does not make you his girlfriend in the next 3 weeks, be rid of him. This includes more than once a week seeing each other.
You should not initiate anything at this point. Not one peep.
Elvira
I agree with Liz, it seems there is a huge gap in the texting (a week is a long time) and it doesn’t seem like he is making much of an effort. I understand he is busy and with the holidays it also makes for an excuse. However, if someone is that busy why even date? It seems he is ok putting in the minimum effort by texting or reaching out at his convenience. I would pull back and also do you know what it is he is looking for at this time as far as relationships? It seems to me he is looking for something casual, where he has someone there but isn’t interested in spending time or really getting to know you. You are correct in thinking that going a week without speaking to someone who you just started dating is not a good sign. Have you discussed what you want and is this the type of relationship you want? I would assume that you are putting all your eggs in this one guys basket, if not you would not be asking these questions. If the person is not making a priority to treat you as though he is interested in getting to know you and spend time with you, then that is when you keep your options open by dating others. I would also let him know that.
Elvira
Also, why the voice messages and not phone calls? It seems a bit out touch between you two and you have developed a routine of simply “checking in”. You are not in a relationship so checking in seems unnecessary, it appears to have gone stale quite quickly.
Lane
Agree with others in that *you* should fade out, not ‘check in’…that the guy’s job! I’m not saying you have to completely stop but I would not eat anymore crumbs he throws out—birds eat crumbs, not confident women who know they are worthy of meeting a good man who sticks around, not flits in and out.
This is why you shouldn’t just date one guy until you are IN a relationship. You are a free agent, a woman who is carefully looking at the contenders vying for her time and attention.
If they aren’t stepping up, you only step out (go on dates) with men who are asking you out. Makes dating a heck of a lot easier this way as there are too many “time keepers” or “time wasters” out there today. Your time is precious; not something you should waste on someone who is putting in very little to no effort.Fix your crown.
Amina
See I agree with all of you in the sense that there are some “yellow flags” here and there…
Which is why it’s so confusing for me. He treats me in a kind and caring way, he initiates contact and dates, but I can tell that his number one priority is his business and that although he likes me, he kind of keeps me at arm’s length… I feel like we should be moving forward and seeing each other more and getting closer by now but he seems to want to keep the same slow pace… And inevitably this is going to fizzle out as we can’t have a deep connection if there are big gaps, it’s going to remain on a surface level.
He doesn’t seem like a bad man but he either doesn’t want a relationship or is not sure. If he eventually gets back in touch (which I assume he will unless he is an absolute idiot considering we’ve dated for 3 months and there was no argument or pressure), do I bring it up and how?
Elvira
Amina I think your way of thinking is what is causing this unnecessary anxiety. You are waiting for him to text for you to bring up where he stands? You should be thinking – I am not waiting for this guy and I am a free agent like Lane said. I am going to live my life and if/when he reaches out then you respond with how you feel. Thinking about what you are going to say now not even knowing what he will say is useless. Also, you have already seen that he is extremely busy so that will most likely be his excuse, then what will you say? Are you going to tell him you want more? IMO if you want to bring up this conversation I would do it in person when he makes a date to see you. If he doesn’t then there is no point.
Amina
Thank you Elvira, very sound advice. I think I need to take a deep breath and relax and think about what *I* want :)
Liz Lemon
Tallspicy is right– men who want to be boyfriends act like boyfriends, full stop. When I started dating my bf he was working 50-60 hours/week at a demanding job, had family obligations to juggle (he shares custody of his young child and his mother was having health issues at the time), and still found time to take me out a couple of times a week, and texted me constantly during the work day. He made his interest very clear and I always felt like a priority. I understand this guy you’re seeing is busy but really, if a guy wants to win you over, he makes the effort to do so.
It sounds to me like he enjoys your company and you are responsive to him when he decides to reach out, but he doesn’t feel motivated to give you anything beyond the bare minimum. Yeah he’s busy, but people make time for what’s important to them (and if he is truly so busy that he can’t be in a relationship, you have the right to bow out and say you’re looking for more). You said he keeps you at arm’s length, my guess is that he’s happy with that and doesn’t want more. It’s no reflection on you so don’t feel bad about it. I completely agree with Elvira, you should take stock of what YOU want and how you want to be treated. Ask yourself, do you really want to be with a guy who treats you so casually after months of dating?
Tallspicy
How is it that you don’t know what he is looking for? That is a conversation for date 3 or 4, not 3 months. And he is acting this way for two reasons, one is that he has the relationship with you he wants, and you let him do this.
I suggest that you worry less about pressure and advocate for what you want.
If he reaches out again, I suggest you do what evan mark Katz suggests: bob, thank you so much for reaching out. Over the holiday I had some time to think about what I want, which is a growing relationship with a boyfriend. The way our relationship is progressing does not seem to be moving towards that, so I think it is best we no longer interact. I have had a great time getting to know you, and I wish you the best.”
If he corrects you, then you misread it, but my guess is he will say “that is too bad, good luck to you as well”.
Amarello
This is scaringly very similar situation I am in. Thank you for the advice. I have been thinking about sending the message of thank you very much…etc etc if I do get the chance to as he might never reply again.
But did wonder if situation has changed? OP if you are reading this, any update?
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