Fairly Consistent Backpedling after 5th dates?

Rachel,

I think at after the 5th date men are often at the point where they are thinking if they want to go forward or not, not like 7 dates makes a relationship but it does give a sense that it could be headed there.

I think it’s totally ok this is happening, if a man isn’t right for you then wouldn’t you rather know at 5 dates rather than 4 months, 6 months etc.? However, for myself I am taking it slow on the physical end to see if the emotional connection is there, I know myself and I do bond through sex so I prefer not to bond unless it’s actually going to be something and 5 dates is too early for me to be assured it’s heading someplace. So I’d say perhaps go slower physically if you prefer not to have sex with guys you don’t end up in relationshps with, if you are ok with casual sex and can handle the emotions that is ok too but know that early dating is so uncertain and men don’t bond through sex.

Also, since I feel that every dating opportunity is learning experience, and since this is a pattern is there anything you feel you wish you would have done or said differently? I don’t think you should nitpick yourself, seems mainly you didn’t find the right guy yet and good to not waste time but at the same time you posted here cause you are curious to learn so can you think back to the dating when you were with a guy and he said he had to go out of the country, was there anythign leading up to that to suggest there wasn’t a real connectin, or something was off, or mixed signal, or he reacted to something you said odd?

I think I might need to do that – I personally like sex and I don’t get too attached, so that’s not the issue.

I don’t mind that it doesn’t work out – I’m just curious about this timing. They seem really excited the first 2-3 dates and I think the consistent turnaround is weird. I do have kids- dad isn’t involved, so there is an unspoken pressure for them to be dad potentially. I wonder if I”m too open about that (they draw their own conclusions, and I wait til they ask about dad but I don’t lie and say that he is involved)

He’s not out of the country, just has potential to move up within his company and it would be in another state. I’ve been to that state so I just talked about some people I knew from there, the different tax advantages there, etc. I feel like he’s testing me to see if I’m trying to lock him down here forever, when a few days earlier he was expressing interest in stepparenting, which I also kind of brushed off. Maybe I’m blowing cold. Haha, I don’t know. Early relationships are weird.

Ok, that’s what i thought too! I think I need to throttle them more and dodge questions about the kids for a while.

Rachel, There you do throttle and dodge – write a mantra for it and remind yourself before dates. Don’t let men pull you into conversations, cause even when they initiate it, if you respond it’s like they pull the trigger back out on you. Still some may disagree but I just don’t think all the details of a relationship need to be worked out on date 1-5, too much intensity to soon and at the wrong time can ruin a budding relationship. You could probably still say the men weren’t right for you but you might also still say you will throttle and dodge big issues. You might want to think of what they ask that you could have a short answer for. For example, divorced people shouldn’t discuss their divorce or their ex on the first few dates, so if someone asks why, you say “We grew apart”, you aren’t saying anything negative about the ex, you are divulging your personal secrets, it’s diplomatic, if they ask for more information you say “I am happy to discuss more but I feel that’s more appropriate for further along in dating”. You can add, I am in a good place and look forward to my next adventure in life, to give a sense that you are healed and optimistic. Think of what questions men pulled you in on and what democratic answwers you can give. Plus then who really wants to talk to so many men about all your personal issues if you never even got into a relationship with them, you will end up feeling you over-shared with too many men, it also gives a sense of false intimacy because you emotionally opened up but don’t know each other yet. Hope it helps.

Maybe I’m the exception, but I WANT to hear on date 1 or 2 what happened in a divorced man’s marriage and what the arrangements with the kids are and how he gets on with the ex in present time. Someone with an open war or open court action with an ex is someone I walk away from and tell him to call me when it’s resolved. Been there a few times. It’s too disruptive so it’s a deal breaker for me. I’m prepared to let them know I get on fine with my ex now, we just did not have enough in common to be happily in a married relationship the rest of our lives. It shouldn’t take more than 5-10 minutes max to go over this stuff.

I think if you are getting 5-7 dates, you are doing the “right” things, just haven’t met the right people. I don’t think a guy says after 5 dates “oh, she should only initiate 10% of the time vs 30%”.

I think ultimately, relationships come about when you connect with a person emotionally, intellectually and there is sexual attraction. Plus, you act like a decent human (ie, not clingy/depserate/you are a stable person). If you have one factor, you might make 2-3 dates, 2 might get you 5-6 dates. But you need all 3 for a relationship. And that’s rare.

I think if you are consistently getting 5-7 dates, you are on the right track with how you present yourself.

Dating as a single mom and juggling baby sitters and schedules has got to be hard!! My ex and I shared custody so I was able to plan my dates for every other weekend. But I do think a lot of talk about the kids or step parenting my date 5-7 is a really heavy discussion. Most men don’t mind being an extra addition in a child’s life but if they feel they may have to be more of a father figure it scares them away. You should probably just leave your early conversations to making sure the guy does like kids. Maybe even date a divorced dad with kids of his own. They seem to understand a whole lot better where you’re coming from.

As far as initiating 30% of the time I really wouldn’t be initiating at all in the first 5-7 dates. I let the guy contact me and do all the asking out and planning. Let them prove themselves to you and you leave a little air of mystery and intrigue and don’t be talking a lot about kids, step parenting and your absent ex in the beginning.