Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Falling short of expectations
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by
Elena.
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Vera
Hi ladies/gents ,
I need your advice .
You may remember my previous posts about dating a man who was separated and how he came back etc . I’m in my mid 30s and so is he.
Well it’s now been 6 months since I met him. I broke up with him back in Feb and he came back in March saying he filed for divorce and said he was in love with me . We dated and his divorce became official in May.
When he said I love you, I did not reciprocate.
I agreed to date him but I told him I wouldn’t be exclusive .
Even now , he knows I am free to date others (I have only been chatting online so far no in person meeting with anyone else).
The problem is , he is saying he wants to be with me in an exclusive relationship. He even talks about the future A LOT , which is nice BUT he doesn’t seem to be in the moment at all
He wants to be my boyfriend but he never calls me , barely texts me, doesn’t really step up to the plate so to speak . I’ve tried talking about this with him but it falls to deaf ears – he will step up for like a week and then revert. I’m coming to realize this is just maybe his personality .
I’m not sure what to do . I am very fond of him but I know I need more attention, affection , etc.
Or am I being needy?Vera
I guess what I am asking here it – when do I cut ties ? I know I can’t fall in love with him the way he is . Do I give it more time and continue to keep myself open to others ? Should I start slowly backing off and hope he steps forward? I do know he is somewhat invested and would likely be devastated if I end things
Vera
Oh and one more thing . I’m very much looking for a long term relationship that will lead to marriage. I hate to admit this but I have a sinking feeling he is not the one :(
But I know my personality tends towards over cautious and though I’ve dated a lot I’ve never been “in love” with anyone before, including him.
Should I not know by now ? I’m scared of the answer….
This is really hurting me and I don’t know what to do …Maddie
How often does he take you on dates? Do you see him multiple times a week and he’s not texting / calling when he doesn’t see you? You did mention before that his marriage fell apart because they had communication issues, so yes, he probably is just this way and perhaps did the same thing before with her. Things don’t need to be so difficult the first 6 months, this may not be a good match for you.
Vera
We get together twice a week, usually one weeknight and then almost the whole day Saturday and Sunday am .
His wife left him, I suspect for the same reasons based on what I know . I guess I have been hoping he would have changed and realized the error of his ways . The only reason I can’t fall in love with him is that I don’t feel loved the way I want , not because of him. I do otherwise really enjoy spending time with him and we actually do communicate well, and he brings up the relationship often . One thing he did also tell me is he had tendency to be selfish in previous relationships and that he would try to be aware of it with me.Vera
He does text on days we don’t see each other but it’s not really an evening check in like I’m used to . It’s just a couple random thoughts , we are usually done texting by like 7pm
Maddie
He’s probably not ready for a real relationship yet since he is still learning after his divorce, and you hoping a partner will change is the easiest way to have your expectations not met. You already know what you need to do. Why waste either of your time with any sort of fading out? He’s a grown up, you don’t need to manage his emotions for him or not take action out of fear of devastating him. The most respectful thing you can do is be straightforward and tell him that you don’t see this becoming a relationship and ending it.
As for you, you’ve never been in love and seem to have expectations based on past experiences, maybe not leaving room for someone in front of you to be who they are. You say you tend towards overly cautious, which with the rest of what you said implies you may not be fully emotionally available. Are you working through an avoidant attachment style? That wouldn’t change the fact he’s not the right guy for you or that you should end things with him, but if you have that attachment style it may help for you to know if you’re looking for a man who is a better and healthier fit.
Sophia
If it were me I’d listen and act on that sinking feeling in my gut…
Lane
Vera, why are you so intent on forcing a square peg into a round hole? There is NOTHING wrong with him!!! This is who he is, and if you can’t full accept him the way he is, then leave him alone so he can find the woman who will love all his bits, and pieces.
It sounds like you are so desperate to get married that you will hitch your wagon to any guy, even one you know won’t make a good husband, just to have the ring on your finger. I understand a woman’s desire to be married but I think you need to change your thinking to “happily married.” He doesn’t make you happy, so cut him loose, and keep meeting guys until you eventually meet the one who will.
Elena
Neediness is the way others perceives you and frankly, it depends on the level of security and comfort you have with yourself. The more I started reading about it, the clearer it became. The words stems from “need”. Do you believe it is wrong to want to satisfy your needs? If you are guilty for wanting more affection or attention either something in the whole arrangement makes you feel insecure or your own self perception makes you feel insecure. Dig it a bit more within your self and be honest if you can really be with someone who doesn’t meet those needs. If the issue is your insecurities, work on them and come back more self aware.
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