Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Feel like I'm going crazy
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by
Maddie.
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Steph
Hi all
For the last couple of months, since April, I’ve been in a F-buddy type situation with a guy. We aren’t friends but just hit each other up when we want to hookup. We keep boundaries clear and don’t speak in between meet ups. We don’t stay the night either. Here’s where it gets interestingHe ended a 5 year relationship with someone in January. So he hasn’t been single since he was 16, as he’s 21 now. And he had told me he didn’t want to be monogamous with a girl for at least a few years to enjoy being single which I am on board with because I don’t want anything serious either. However I’m slightly hurt by something.
He disclosed to me that he started seeing and sleeping with another girl that he’s starting to catch feelings for. I don’t have feelings for him, I know it would never work between us and we aren’t each other’s type at all. But for some reason it’s like my ego is bruised that he’s actually dating someone. He always comes to my house and I’ve never seen his. But apparently the person he’s seeing has gone over to his hoisr many times and they’ve actually gone on dates. I told him he needs to end things with me if it gets serious with her and he said he didn’t foresee that happening since he doesn’t want monogamy right now.
So now I’m feeling crazy because I don’t like him in that way but my ego feels bruised. Why don’t I deserve those things? What makes me so different? I don’t want to date him nor do I want to be with him. And I know I wouldn’t be happy with him in a relationship at all. His personality can be somewhat of a turnoff for me but the sex is amazing which is why he’s a good FWB. But for some reason it gets me in my pits of self esteem that I’m being treated like I don’t deserve to be treated better. Please help.
Sandra
Hi Steph, sorry you are feeling this way. Believe me I have been in your situation more than once and the one thing I learned (may not be your case) is that as much as I told myself that I wasn’t catching feelings I was. We can’t help it we are emotional creatures. For women sex creates a bond, it is intimate, for men it is mostly pleasure. You both set the rules from the beginning and everything was fine until someone else came in the picture. Since there was already an agreement between the two of you he was of course free to pursue other women and he found someone he connected on another level with. The two of you just weren’t going that route.
You definitely deserve all of those things, all women do. If I were you though I would stop hooking up with him before he ends things with you. Don’t wait around. The longer you wait the more attached you become and the more it will hurt. If you want to date and get all of the things you want and deserve then date men who are willing and ready to give you that not someone who just got out of a relationship and wants to be single and definitely not someone who you had already agreed you would only have a FWB relationship with. Not all women can do FWB, I am one of them.
Steph
Hey Sandra
I was thinking the same thing. I can’t explain why I feel this way since objectively I don’t want him nor do I want to be with him in that way. Just makes me think there’s something I’ve been putting out there to men that I’m not aware of that drives them away. I’m constantly asked by guys how I’m still single. I’m a relatively attractive, successful, highly educated woman and yet they seem to not really care about any of those qualities in the long run.Sandra
Steph, a good guy will come along you just need to set your standards. If you agree to a sex only relationship with a guy then that’s all you’re going to get. It very rarely turns into something more. You have the ability to meet different men so just let things flow naturally don’t jump into a FWB situation. It is ok to wait a bit for sex and if the guy isn’t willing to wait then he isn’t worth your time.
Maddie
Just because you’re FB doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings. Not feelings for him, just feelings. It’s good he disclosed to you he’s sleeping with someone else, for sexual health and mutual trust reasons, but why is he going into detail about his relationship with her?? Why do you need to hear it? Especially if he’s talking about being into her, it just seems disrespectful. If you want to stay FB, then you should set a boundary. He needs to tell you if things are getting serious with her, and if he’s sleeping with anyone else, but that’s it. No further talking about other partners other than that. He can assume whatever he wants about it, it might even make him assume that you like him or whatever, but no matter what he thinks… you may just not want to deal with his crap because you’re trying not to emotionally invest in him. And it’s easier not to invest if you’re not having heart-to-heart pillow talk or hearing about other women and getting compared to them.
I think he’s 21 and young and dumb and unsure of what he wants, and if the situation is starting to feel annoying or hurtful for any reason, you may want to consider ending it. It’s understandable to feel lonely and less than when someone is comparing you to someone else, and that’s not what the arrangement is about for you. It’s also normal to have feelings when you’re sleeping with someone. Again, the feelings may not be of longing to be with him, but you still probably care about what he thinks because you are chemically bonding and that’s normal. Plus, you can like someone and care about their opinion while knowing you’re incompatible romantically. You can reflect on all this and decide if it means you’re actually looking for a relationship with someone (else), and the FB arrangement has run its course. If so, time to ditch him to stay open for someone more suited to giving you the kind of relationship you actually want.
Steph
Maddie, you hit the nail on the head. That’s exactly it. I’m likely going to end it for my own mental health. You summed up everything perfectly. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be with him but still cared what he thought of me but that makes so much sense.
Maddie
Happy to help! FB are never worth your sanity :)
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