Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Feeling frustrated, not sure what to do.
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Ss.
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P
My boyfriend is struggling with our differences. Our Differences being that he wants to be very connected I like to be a bit more independent. He picks up any changes in me, if I’m a bit more distracted eg It’s close to Christmas so I’m busier with my work and he feels unsettled and feels like I’m not as interested. We spend the same amount of time together but he keeps throwing up at me that I just seem so busy and maybe I’m no longer interested in him.
This is all coming from insecurity and I can’t seem to help him by talking it through. We finalised our weekend plans via text he asked what time I was coming. I said lunch and through in playfully are you looking for to seeing me ? He took this in a bad way and responded by telling me that if I’m not interested in coming then let him know and he will make other plans.
It was followed up by a phone call where he hung up on me. I told him I find it frustrating that at night time he seems to bring out that I’m not committed enough, I’ve changed that I’m obviously still connected to my ex. These comments are always such a shock as they are out of no where. They are after a pleasant day. It’s like he throws tantrums. He hangs up on me a lot. He will also say ‘can you hear yourself!? Just listen to yourself ! ‘ I can’t seem to express my view on the situation and I’m taking calmly with slight frustration, without him turning around and saying this or hanging up.
I’m trying hard, but he seems to resent my life and the time I need to spend living it with my work and my child. We send two night together and three days. The relationship is only 4 months…. I want to call him my boyfriend but he insists on partner. I feel exhausted. I feel like I’m
Just not trying hard enough and although he boosts my feeling of self worth around my looks and body he somehow makes me feel mental and that I’m not caring enough and that I’m flawed in my personality.I’m not sure if I should go to his place on the weekend or just take the weekend to myself. I was excited to go but with his blow up on my interest on going I just feel like running the other way.
T from NY
This is an absolute no-brainer to me. Dump this guy like yesterday. The first few months – to a year are supposed to be the VERY BEST of a relationship. That’s why they are called the honeymoon period. It works that way to assist couples in bonding, and to cement commitment – so that later, when life’s trials and tribulations come at you, you have a solid foundation of love and wonder and excitement and appreciation and gratitude and intrigue to draw from when you’re far enough you recognize their flaws and annoying habits. But if things are bad in the first few months – where do you believe it goes from here?
If I told you it was never going to be better than it is – right now – would you stay? A true “partner” supports you, weighs their needs along side of yours, lifts you up and doesn’t feel like a burden. Accepting anything less from a boyfriend means you don’t have sufficient self love or learned the beauty of being alone, meeting your own needs and cultivating peace in your life. He sounds manipulative and like he has severe attachment issues.
Anon
A lot of men need coddling and a fair amount of reinforcement from their partner. I wouldn’t say it means they have attachment issues per se it’s just how they’re used to relationships running. Why don’t you try sound some small things on a regular basis just to let him know you’re thinking of him? Just a flirty/ loving text or snap should do. That way you can still retain your independence while satisfying some of his love needs.
P
Thanks T from NY I’m thinking attachment issues as well. I agree with what you have written, but I have trouble exiting relationships, even though I’m happy alone. I’m a people pleaser and I think what if I just need to try harder it seems to be ingrained in me.
Anon – thank you bug I text and we Skype everyday. He sends me lots of photos of what he is doing, I do so much less but that’s because I’m busy working amd I’m
Not into selfies… but I do text or call randomly during the day but it’s not enough for him. Even when I give more he complains and wants more of my time and all of my headspace. I can’t be distracted around him thinking about something or daydreaming as he gets annoyed that I’m not focussed on him. He is hard work. He also has a strong need to discuss us or past relationships to the detriment of other activists except s ex.I’m torn between trying harder and working on us and just going back to being single and going my own thing.
Raven
He’s manipulative & has low self esteem… Get out now.
I dated a guy like this & by staying with him, you are just prolonging the inevitable.
Tallspicy
Everyone is insecure at times, but it being a constant refrain is another thing. You do seem to be willing to talk to him about it… only you can decide if this is in the normal “I have moments of insecurity” or…. “it is your job to make me feel ok”. The first is ok, the second not as much.
In terms of attachment… are you secure or avoidant? Just check yourself because if you are avoidant, you may be seeing what he needs as too much, when they are reasonable.
I would say that based on what you said, it is unreasonable. And I am not sure you should coddle it. “I love you and I want to have us work out, however, I cannot have a constant conversation about my interest in you. It turns me off and I am not responsible for your insecurity. What can we do about this and it needs to be an answer we both act on, or I will need to leave this relationship.”
Tallspicy
No person should want all of your headspace.
Andreea
You are in a toxic relationship,dump him and fine your own peace and real love will come to you soon.
P
Tall spicy –
I am fearful/avoidant and I think he is a anxious preoccupied I think, but I’m not 100% sure.
I used to be anxious preoccupied in my marriage but in this relationship I seem to have changed.
peggy
I think this will not work. Also his behavior, may in time become controlling and abusive. He will perceive slight that were not intended etc. I think you should break up with him.
T from NY
I can’t help but say you keep saying you know this, and you know that. Knowing IS the first step to change, but DOING something different, something positive, taking action that you love yourself is the next. I’m sorry but I do not buy you are happy alone. There is no way you could value the peace, the healing, the living a life of gratitude that comes from choosing those things yet knowingly stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy BARELY months in, with a man who acts this way during the honeymoon period. There is no doubt you’re in it for a long haul of anxiety, dysfunction, toxicity which is the opposite of peace and gratitude and support – if you stay.
Take action. Take control of your life. If you say you struggle exiting relationships — find out why and make changes! I am not saying it will be easy (far from it) and I’m not saying anyone here is perfect (not me!) But writing in for advice, thanking everyone for it, but just then repeatedly stating it is how you are, and how he is, just guarantees future heartache. No one here wants that for you, themselves, or any woman.
Ss
My exex was like this from the off and it ended up a pretty toxic and abusive relationship. I was very young and thought it showed how much he loved me but he systematically broke down all of my friendships and made us into a bubble of just us and our kids. Once i decided to get a life again he turned. He wouldn’t speak to me for days before and after i went out with friends. Would cause issues if i had plans that meant i had to cancel and stalked me when i tried to end things. I kept going back until the day he put his hands around my throat in front of our kids and told them i was a sl*t that sucked mens c*cks when i went out. I kicked him out and never looked back.
He wanted all of me, all of the time and that just cannot work at all! Im not saying this man will end up like my exex but this man is showing major red flags. You are in for a lot of stress and heartache if you continue on this track of trying to please him and him just wanting more and more. With my exex the more i gave the more he wanted and for him it was NEVER enough.
Think long and hard about how he makes you feel and whether you would be ok with this same issue in years to come. Walking away before it gets bad won’t be easy but it will save you pain imo
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