Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Feeling unsupported in relationship
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redcurleysue.
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Evie
My ‘boyfriend’ and I have been together almost 9 months.
I have suffered mental health problems since I was a child; anxiety and depression at the forefront. I have a history of self harm and attempted suicide but nothing for over a year,I’m really struggling with lockdown and being on my own. A few night back I had my first meltdown in a long time and I did do some damage to myself-nothing like before and I was wise enough to call my mother who calmed me down and talked to me until I was in bed and falling to sleep.
In short, I told my boyfriend the next day. Not in exact details but I kind of just wanted to let him know what happened. I guess being needy I also wanted a little bit of comfort/acknowledgement from him over how I have been feeling.
The response I got was ‘Oh Babe’ and started talking about something else.
I really hate being a burden on anyone and I actually do not want him to feel sorry for me but just be there for me and try to understand/support me. He does this with everything; if it’s not all smelling of roses and happy go lucky it’s like he shuts down. He hasn’t asked me how I am since.
I’m really struggling with it, does he just not care or what?
Raven
He doesn’t want to be your counselor…
By the way… Sounds like you need a trained someone to help you through these times…
If you are self injuring, please find one…
Keiko
Hi Evie,
Woman supporting woman here. I found this post because I’m feeling a similar way. Anxiety and depression, I actually just opened up to my boyfriend about it yesterday. We are in a rocky place. He has been very bad at communicating since lockdown. It’s hard for me to trust that he even cares when I don’t hear from him. I got positive feedback from him, though things continue as usual with minimal communication. At this point I just have to accept and trust. If things get worse, I leave. Maybe? If I have the guts.
Evie, i’ve never attempted suicide although it’s been a passing thought many times. I may not be able to relate to you completely but I hope I can relate enough.
Although the first comment was insensitive, and the reason I decided to comment (this is the first time i’ve ever commented on anything like this), I support reaching out to a professional.
My advice to you right now, tell him how you’re feeling. I would suggest writing it all down and only talking to him about what makes sense. Edit and re-edit. Don’t blame. Write him an email, i’ve done that too. Whatever is your best way of communicating. He might not know that he does this, and if you point it out he should understand and want to work on it. I’m not saying changing a person, but if he cares enough he will make an effort, even if only temporary.
Talk to him and go from there. I wish you the best of luck.
-K
Phoebe
There are many facebook groups that specialise in people who self harm supporting one another… When you get the urge to self harm again it might help you to check some of them out and make a post (it’s private) and see what other people who feel the same way have done.
Jo
Men generally are wired to solve problems, and presented with a problem they can’t solve don’t know what to do or say, and feel helpless. It sounds from his response like he cares but just didn’t know what to say as he thinks there’s nothing he can do to fix it.
If I am looking to my husband for support, comfort or validation rather than practical solutions I always start by telling him exactly what it is I need from him before I tell him what it is I want to discuss. I may say something like “I just need to know you’re on my side here, I don’t want you to do anything to fix it but, your brother really upset me earlier”. That takes the pressure off him to worry about what he should be doing to fix things and focus entirely on saying the right things to make me feel supported.
It works brilliantly.
Tallspicy
Had you told him about these things before? I like jos suggestion. However, if this has been an issue, you need to be telling men early about this so they can self select in to being involved with something this severe. It is only for certain men.
If you have not had issues in a while, he simply may not know how to help you. I would bring it up and make a request of what you need, if he does not have these issues he may not know what to say. It is not reasonable for you to think he know how to support someone who self harms without some knowledge and training.Also, is he your boyfriend or not? You used quotes. If he is not your actual boyfriend, he should not be doing anything for you, and you should end it after 9 months… if it is not official
Evie
Thank you for the kind responses and advice.
Yes he is my boyfriend, I put in quotes because right now I don’t feel like he is acting like a boyfriend who should be supportive. I don’t even really want anything other than that he shows he cares and checks on me which he hasn’t even today.
He didn’t know about the self harm (the overdose thing was over 12 years ago I’ve never told anyone about it only my family and therapist know) and I see what you’re saying Tallspicy, perhaps he should have known because now I feel he’s pulling away, as I said he hasn’t even asked me am I OK today. Nothing.
Allie
You need a mental health counselor and long-term serious therapy NOT a boyfriend at this stage in your life. I feel sorry for a guy that is involved with you because you are really not ready to date. He doesn’t want or have the drive to be your personal psychologist. It’s clear he doesn’t know what to do. Guys are logical and practical when it comes to solving problems. So I’m willing to bet he feels overwhelmed. A guy can only tolerate so much emotional baggage that negatively wears on him and his relationship. At that point he’s gone. You are setting up expectations for him and that’s not fair. He’s already showed you with his actions/behavior that he’s not into the mental psychologist role. You keep hurting yourself by constantly thinking he’s going to step into the role and when he doesn’t-you get upset.
Evie
I have help and I am on medication that’s not for you to assume what I am and not doing to help myself.
Unless you didn’t realise we are in unprecedented times which has been majorly triggering for me. I’m isolated alone in an apartment and I cannot go out at all because of a medical condition.
I am not DATING he has been my boyfriend for 9 months almost 10 and my mental health was better than it had ever been when we met and remained so until this pandemic.
Newbie
You actually did all the right things. You got a meltdown, called your mom, she made you snap out of it. The next day you told your bf in short what happened. Your bf has probably no idea what impact your issues had on your life so far. And find it really difficult to find words to console. So i think at this point you are being unfair to your bf, especially since you handled it all yourself. Take some pride in that. You made enormous progress in a situation that is very difficult to keep your act together. Plus you didnt make the mistake on making your bf your emotional crutch. I think you need to tell him some of your past in the next few months in a way he can understand. Take care.
Newbie
Altough the meaning of my post was implied, i like to state it a bit more clearer. At some point you will have to tell your bf more about your history. And like jo said, you really have to state to a guy what sort of response you are looking for. I do that too with my man. But this moment proves to yourself that you are getting better in handling issues. At the most difficult times you chose to do what was best for you. So you are getting better. And that should give you enormous confidence and makes it less problematic to let your bf in on. Because Yes support we all want, but you are not a frail plant. Seriously i found this one inspiring post
Jo
I think some people are bring a bit harsh. You clearly have done a lot of work to overcome your issues and made lots of progress. To have gone a long time with no meltdown sounds like a huge achievement, and the current circumstances are enough to make anyone a little crazy.
I don’t agree with the people who say you shouldn’t be dating, but I do think that after 9-10 months you should come clean with your boyfriend about your past issues and where you are at now. To not do so now is dishonesty by omission. I would hope that at this point he is planning a future for you and he has the right to have all the information he needs.
Part of a long term committed relationship is providing support for each other when it is needed. It’s true he is not your therapist, but he should be there for you when you need support, just as I hope you will be there for him when he needs emotional support. It would be a poor, superficial relationship if you couldn’t ask each other for help in times of need.
kaye
If he doesn’t know about your history then he may be in shock that you have told him you did this to yourself and trying to figure out how he feels about it. I agree these are unprecedented times and I am sure those with anxiety, depression and a history of mental illness are struggling with the fear and uncertainty. I might not tell him your whole history right now if you can’t talk about this face to face.
Is he still working and coming into contact with others? Is that why you can’t quarantine together? But if you are both quarantined separately and have been for weeks is there any chance the two of you could spend the remainder of the time together?
Ss
Its a tricky one. I really feel for you. I completely get the drop in your mental health at this time. I’m struggling with my mental health and eating disorder … its so hard when you are alone and feeling disconnected.
The thing is, from what you have said this is new information for your bf and its pretty heavy stuff. 9 months isn’t that long but i can see why you would want and expect support from your bf and its not an unreasonable expectation. What is unreasonable is expecting to be able to drop this on him without any prep or context. If he doesn’t know your history then right now this is probably overwhelming for him.
I think its hard to know when to tell someone about your mental health difficulties when first start dating as not everyone wants to deal with this stuff in their relationship. I suspect you may have freaked him out a bit. Hopefully he will come back and step up, but you have to be prepared that he may not.
Like another poster commented you did brilliantly at helping yourself and keeping yourself safe – that’s a big achievement! If you look back on how you were when you were in a dark enough place to want to take your own life and compare that to how you managed this blip you will see how far you have grown.
So i guess there isn’t a right time to tell someone about this stuff but there is a wrong one and currently being isolated and not being able to talk face to face means now is not the time. You need to keep your expectations of him low at this time until you can sit down and explain. Men do like to problem solve and he can’t do that right now if at all. Going off at him bc he has responded how you would like won’t help so just try and get back to normal with him and park this for now xx
Evie
Thank you to you all, honestly.
I wasn’t sure about posting here but aside from the few negative comments I’m glad I did and you have really helped me tap into a few things.
I hadn’t gone off or mentioned this to him at all, I kind of wanted to but deep down I didn’t feel it would help matters and you guys have mostly confirmed this. Not to say I won’t ever mention it again and I do need to explain my history to him in a better way but I think for now it’s best to remain neutral and perhaps talk about it later when we can be together.
I realised I had been a little short with him in my messages last night so I felt it was on me to reach out today so I did and we haven’t had our usual face time but we’ve messaged quite a bit.
He is still going to work one day a week but he also has shared custody of his kids so it was not ideal for us to stay together.
I know this won’t last forever and we will all be back out in the world again so I need to focus on that and the things that do make me feel good rather than on the things that don’t.
redcurleysue
You are never alone. Remember loved ones are but a phone call away and God is always with you.
Make projects for yourself. Cook new dishes, go for walks, sew, knit, clean closets, google ideas.
Make doing new things a goal and share the progress of those with your BF. Ask him what he is doing that is new. You can challenge each other. -
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