Feeling very scared

Maria you see this was my fear that he wants to break up and I am sure that after our talk he considered it but could not do it. Here I have to say I really disagree because I had known him as a person for a year and a half and while you can be surprised, I highly doubt that he would want to spend five days with me if he wanted to break up and that now he would decide to bring me to meet business partners and friends that are important to him. Do not forget that ortodox people are very strict, you do not introduce a woman unless you are serious. These friends cautioned him against me and some others did too in the beginning but he told them that it was too late because he was already emotionally invested.

Believe me now I am very very cautious and I am trying to protect myself but honestly I have been in love with this man for almost two years now, it is a bit late for that. I fell in love with him for his ethics and honesty, only personality for a change and not his looks or money like I used to.

I could be wrong but I mean I have a plane ticket in my hands from him for December for an 11 day Xmas time holiday.

I question him too but am seriously wondering if I am questioning him too much and his intentions and should instead focus on the positives and insecurities are not good. If I relax, there is much less chance I screw up and feel good anyhow. What good does it do if I overworry? I will mess things up and also drive myself crazy.

I never take anything for granted but surely it would hurt like hell. Even initially I made sure he knows me before we get into anything that I want no one to play with me. I was very clear about what I was looking for. Kaye, sorry only read your post now. He was really into getting me into religion initially and we may be married by today if it had been easy for me to find my papers. Then he let it go as he did not want to bother me with it, he knew I had a lot on my mind and he never actually wanted to tell me I have to follow the rules, surely living together he could become controlling about that, who knows? That was why I let him know I may not agree with everything.

I think what could actually happen is that he wants to keep it at this LDR level, in which case I would have to say good bye. That would be tough.

Ah and BTW Kaye yes you are absolutely right, I know I am looking for men that replace my father. Or rather the two men my ex fiancee and my BF now are the ones that I was really in love with but became insecure with as they are certainly a replacement for my father. Is it wrong though? Guys often end up with women who are like their mother. A therapist told me nothing is wrong with that but the problem is that because my father is a heartless monster who loved me and I adored until I was ten and then everything changed, with these men I develop terrible fear of abandonment. This is what I want to mainly look into.

Ah and forgot to say, sorry very tired being late here, yeah he knows about the new place of course, he does not know the only worriesome part that it is a roommate situation, I did not specify, did not lie, said there are some common areas, that anyhow it is the women who have to set limits, if it does not work out, I simply move elsewhere. Believe me I have my worries but a third person is coming as well and owner seems normal so far, I was very cautious having had bad experiences, anyhow this roommate situation does not allow visitors but no biggie because I am not meeting him there, I live between two countries and meeting him in the other where my work is in the capital as well as in a vacation spot. Hope I was clear by now, sorry girls! Business is in that country too.

Hi Jessica,

Obviously I have to be a bit lighter, which does not mean that I should not have expectations but overworrying will not help. Yes, we will have to talk but I am not going to force it. I have noticed that he will talk on his own about what he wants when I let him, otherwise forcing the issue is not good at all. I also think that perhaps my expectations were too high and too fast about this moving in issue and I feel that he is the one that should want it first as that would be a much better bargaining point for me because I may not be able to find a job right away. I also feel that just in line with everyone here says my expectations were too high because I was overlooking tons of things this man was already doing for me but after spending the three weeks together I felt really let down with no plans. He was depressed for days after I left and then he had a change of plans due to work which disallowed him from coming to where I live. It was not all his fault. What really upset me was the holidays but I know he thought of me going there and it was not very realistic.

As to the issue of religion, it is hard to tell. He never wanted to force me but he does live and work in a world where ortodoxy is everywhere and obviously wants someone who can fit in, which is not so hard to do mostly. I have followed certain traditions in my life and kept certain holidays but never been officially religious or raised that way. My father is only part Jewish anyhow not that it matters. He was raised Catholic. My BF is friends with many Christian people and has dated absolutely non-Jewish women yet I think he is afraid of others being judgmental. No, he does not want fake hair.:))) I let him know in no uncertain terms that I would never cut my hair off and he agreed, he prefers hair. Certain dress codes sure but he actually bought me two dresses while there and he wanted me to choose what I like and not what he thinks is appropriate. In certain areas you have to dress according to rules but that is not because of him but because how you would be looked at.

Many Israelis are not religious, of course many people are. He is part in Israel and part in Europe in a very religious area. I am in Europe in a non-religious area. He does not seem to want to force things on me, such as fasting now at all and has never scolded me if I made a mistake. The biggest problem is I think that I never had to present papers or anything like that as it never interested me. I know the history of my family but many papers have been faked. I may have to convert which people lacking some papers have to do in a faster way and this has been an issue of a fight as he and his friends do not think I should have to do that, you know some people look down on converts but I do not care because everyone where I live know what I am anyhow and I have no problems going that route either. I also have no problem following traditions much more closely when I can easily do that living in an area where it is easy to practice.

Age that is a tough one. I did not know his age honestly. He looked to me 10-15 years younger than he is actually. I never did find out until I looked on facebook. Then I was shocked. By this time we were really close to each other (not dating). I decided that it did not matter. You are absolutely right about kids, I actually considered breaking up in the beginning because of this. He does not want more kids because he wants to be responsible and for medical reasons he may not be able to for the last couple of decades, which honestly shocked me but this is one reason I told him I accepted him the way he was and I think he should too because this is what we do when we love each other.

I have not been sure if I wanted kids, this is very strange. From really wanting kids at 20, not wanting them at all at 30 and having a miscarriage at 35 when I again really wanted kids, no I am simply not sure. Perhaps I am ok with not having kids. I feel that I have run out of time which hurts, it is my fault as I was the one making bad decisions when it came to partners. It is a heavy price to pay and may forever resent it but having no kids has its advantages too such as lots of freedom and being able to work, travel, etc.

One other point, I know you were upset about not spending the holidays together. When my ex and I dated again later – during the four years together, bc we were an LDR, I only spent one Yom Kippur with him and a few Passovers. Its not always possible to be together during these days. It makes it harder because you can’t talk, but he would always call me before and after the holiday. I know its hard to get through. I hope you have some answers soon!

I will be fasting and won’t drive (so I’m not going to a synagogue) but it is impossible for me not to use my phone and cook a little and do things around my house as my kids will be off of school for the day. It is harder when fasting alone – fasting was much easier for me when I was with his family and at the synagogue the whole time. My current boyfriend will be fasting tomorrow as well but only from the morning – the biggest issue for me is no coffee – I could live on coffee alone. Anyway, I’m on a tangent – this is about you and him and your possible future. It sounds like he’s back on track. I am sure that he will do a lot of thinking over the next 24 hours and you will hear from him afterwards. Yikes about the roommate – that is awkward – did you tell him you have a boyfriend? Is he still at it? I do hope things work out with your job too. It sounds like there is a lot going on for you. Wishing you the best through it all.

I understand now about your mothers side and yes that would be tough and you would probably need to convert if it mattered to you. What matters is what’s in your heart I believe. Lol about the coffee…I keep trying to quit but I just love it so much!

I have one more question for you girls. I have been thinking about this. Things have been going far as far as him calling and staying in touch, having longer conversations and interested in everything, he is concerned about this guy where I will live, told him about the job situation and he was hoping it would stay for a bit, also interested more in cooperation it seems. I am very nice and easy going too staying positive while realistically discussing things. I can be sensitive to some jokes but never mention it.

We have avoided the topic of whether we are making plans for the future. But of course we will be meeting in less than three weeks. I am already preparing myself. I think I should let him bring this topic up but I also feel closed up about being intimate until we do and since we are of course staying together not sure what to do.

Honestly I am torn. I feel that on the one hand if he says he has plans for me then I feel done. If he says a set time ok. But if the first scenario is true then I have very serious doubts I can just leave the place where I am. I do think I need to say strong. I want to avoid causing a drama or ruining the bit of good times we can have. He was looking for romantic hotels and so on.

He has always tried to show that I am important. Now I feel I should be relaxed about things and enjoy my time but that was what I did during our 2.5 weeks living together at his place during my vacation and it left me with a lot of resentment afterwards for not making plans. I do not want to sell myself out.

Obviously it must be a bit of an anxiety taking over, that time of the month too. He has always said that he had long-term plans with me so I would seriously doubt that he would be playing with me but what if he sets conditions.

I know I am always so scared before meeting because I never want to be used. Then we always have the best time and he really appears genuine but I am still scared. I am sure this rollercoaster is what LDRs are about. But perhaps you have something to add. It would be very hard to exit that situation right there for sure but I would hate to be led on. I do not think he wants to and I can always break it off afterwards too if it needs to be but some ideas?

Obviously from the inside we cannot be so objective.

so basically, right now as of the last conversation you had with him, everything is good? you are just feeling anxiety but everything is on track, and you’ll have the conversation when you see him in October.. until then you aren’t going to bring it up. Just checking to see if I understand everything correctly? :)

One feeling or vibe I get here is I just would hate to see you settle – the age, the religion stuff, not clear about the future, moving, all the anxiety you have etc. I just would hate for you to settle what if someone is out there who is better for you? If you were 10 years older then it would make more since but at 40 it’s still possible to have children (if at some point you feel a desire to) I don’t know, I feel like if this was *the one* perhaps you wouldn’t feel so scrambled all the time. I just want to put it out there because this situation makes me feel a vibe that despite your feelings for him & the nice stuff he has done that I wouldn’t want you to settle..

You got it right Ashley.:))) Thanks girl.

I know, I have no idea what it is. Actually, I may have 20 more attractive or younger men running after me in whom I have zero interest, although guess it is relative what you see attractive.

Point is that I am really not a person who can be happy and involved when I do not feel something special about the other person and that is not something that happens often to me in life. I would say that he is the third person in my life whom I have been in love with. Dated many more. I cannot tell yet for sure if it is as strong but it has been very strong in the last two years though lately due to the thing that happened I developed a couple of doubts.

What is also funny is that they sense how you feel, when I pull away and/or feel really relaxed he keeps calling, if I am a bit down, he does not sometimes. But I doubt it is intentional.:)))

I need to be firm about some expectations although I really hope he follows through on his words because he would be a huge disappointment on a personal level and I hardly trust men.

I agree with you that I could go for others but I may hurt and turn down someone I love for potentially find someone else when it is too late and a person I do not love. This is so hard to know.

Our business connection also helps the relationship and would be very detrimental for me to break. This also plays a part. My future depends a lot on that, not on him but I have the most trust in them on the business front. My moving would also help in this regard.

I simply have no interest in guys who live around me or even in the other capital. You may have truth but online dating and even in person dating around here is pretty tragic. My best chance would be to meet someone else through my work. You never know. I need to think it over as best as I can before our meeting but I am afraid I will just get flooded with emotions then.

Since I am not entirely sure I want kids, that is the least of my worries for now.

You may be right that you get this vibe. I am not sure when we are 100 % sure someone is the one. If there is a one. I guess I have never been sure despite having been in love a couple of times.

Jessica, thank I relaxed a bit.

First of all, when I mention issues, he does try to work on them, it may take him a few days but he shows by actions that he is trying to make me happy. Secondly, he gets scared that I will be sad or upset if we cannot talk on the phone for long (sometimes we have connection problems) and I always tell him of course not but I appreciate him saying that.

Thirdly he keeps having a lot of problems and so am I, his seeming distance may have mostly been that. He has a very problematic son with a physical and somewhat mental illness and this kid is draining all of his energy, I know as we all lived together. He is an adult but he manipulates both his parents knowing that they will do everything for him. He has a good heart but is really always causing chaos around him. Fortunately I handled it very well and he seemed to like me at the end and I did too despite his obvious behavior problems. This may be part of his worry about having children since his son was born after he thought he could not have kids anymore and he was not born healthy.

There must be a lot of business stress but he continues involving me and trying to do things for me as well as them, which is great cooperation. The business connection is a huge plus to me, it has started that way. But he also said today that he wants me to be happy with the terms of cooperation because we have another relationship too. I think in our case the business connection could be a benefit to us both instead of a disadvantage.

The reason I do not see him as capable of playing games is because I had done business with him for a year and a half before and you can really find out how honest someone is because he has been more than that. I found out that he had integrity, his personality, treatment of others were wonderful. We became friends this way and slowly I fell in love with him before we even had the relationship.

Of course it is true that a romantic relationship is still different but generally he is very mature. The one thing that concerns me is that he has been much more withdrawn about what he dares to tell me since our discussion. He does not say he loves me or big kisses, one time he said big hugs but that was it. Generally though he would not be overly romantic but would still say something romantic once a week at least, now he is really withholding himself.

This is what concerns me and leads me to think that he does not want to get hurt and rejected because I may have come across that way. It also makes me think that he may feel he cannot give me what I want right now although when we talked about my job situation, he said something along the lines of hopefully the job will last another six months or so. Now I may be reading things into what he says but he has always clearly stated that he wants to be with me and is working on it but that now there are problems and I was clear before too that within a year or so something has to happen in that regards as this does not work for me long-term.

Maybe he thinks I want it right now, I have no idea why he is holding himself back. At the same time he does little things like during our discussing I mentioned that we are not sharing music lately and this morning he sent me music that was very meaningful as it was about his history and of his friends as well as of Israel and I felt that was a good thing that he shared with me.

He clearly wants to be involved in my life and does not seem to want to lose me. He even said he has not responded to an email I sent because he thought it over a million times what to say and could not get his thought collected yet and he had to think about it (it concerned nothing romantic, it was business).

But I just feel that something halted somehow, we were very open and even a bit sexual at times on the phone and maybe he feels that I am withdrawn too. It is a two-way street. Yet he was very scared of my potential male roommate. I now rethought that though and likely cancelling on it.

Thank you Jessica for caring. How are things with your BF? Wow, what a story, yes who knows what will happen in the future, how are things going with this boyfriend? I have to see if you have threads here.

I really appreciate your checking in. Have a great day.

Jessica and all who may be reading, I feel very upset now. Things were fine as far as he called last night but then his daughter arrived and I told him to go and he called the day before we had meaningful good conversation. However, now another holiday has begun and before Yom Kippur he called me six times and did not get through but left a very nice message. Now this has never happened that he did not call me, message or anything before a holiday starts. I am just really very upset now because they are not working till Tuesday evening which means three days no talk and no call or message before, like I said never ever did it happen, I have no idea what is going on. I had a bad feeling last night not sure why but he was really nice. Now of course I am panicking because I do not want to talk to him again since he did not call before the holiday and was ok with not even sending me a message. Am I totally wrong here? I have had it lately and yes he has a lot on his plate but so do I and I am not sure why this has happened now. I do not feel it is something I can forgive, at least he should have sent a message that he will not be able to call for three days almost. Tell me if I am wrong but I am about to explode, which is not good. Now three days of anxiety is awaiting and if I am over the top you need to tell me. I do not want to talk to him I feel because I will surely let him know how unhappy I am with everything and that he forgot about me before this. It must have been intentional. I know he could not have not forgotten and last night he said we will talk tomorrow. I have not had enough problems now I do not want to spend three days crying over a man I really believed in and loved, which has not happened to me in a long time.

I will post more in a bit but wanted to say that you know that G-d comes first and foremost in his life because he is a religious person. No work means no calling etc from the minute that the holiday starts. I’m not saying it’s okay that he didn’t call and I feel terrible for you that you are going through this right now. Be strong you will get through this. Obviously you will need to let him know how this made you feel. He may be feeling terrible right now that he didn’t call you. Keep posting if it helps. I’ll check back in a bit.

Hi girls.

I feel crushed, just completely shocked. Of course I hardly slept after the revelation. I had such a bad feeling in the evening even before the holiday started. He can skip a day occasionally and I am ok with that but this is totally out of the ordinary for him.

Jessica, my bad feeling may be nothing or it may be something. Often in life I feel things as in gut feeling but it is not a good thing in a relationship if it gives place to or comes from a place of anxiety. Bad feelings can be a self fulfilling prophecy too in relationships so one has to be very careful.

I have no idea why I got it. It was before I realized he did not call. Our last conversation was really good and the day before too. But right after our last conversation when his daughter came I felt awful already and not sure why. Again this may just be me but now this happened.

No, he has not been as loving as before our conversation a couple of weeks ago, which is what Luzinha was saying, all the stress got the best out of me then. I was never angry or rude but I was very firm and very brutally honest then. He seemed to think it over and schedule our meetings.

On Friday he even said that he wants me to be happy with whatever we do in business because he does not want me to be frustrated in the relationship. You know the bad feelings can come from that he does not want to commit as in moving together, this LDR and not meeting for two months has really tried my patience.

Of course his feelings may have changed too which I felt as you know a few weeks ago, maybe almost a month ago because as we have said guys really need that physical contact and honestly so do we but perhaps we are better able to feel a bond even without, although of course I felt a lot of distancing on my part too.

Luzinha it was an awesome way to ask me back what I would tell someone else. This is a tough one. Ok let me answer your questions as to why this is so strange and shocking because it is not him. Because he calls before holidays, always, every single week, even if he runs late into the holiday, even if say it has already started a few minutes ago.

What I would tell the other person is that this is totally inconsistent with his behavior and he even told me the day before we would talk Sunday. Now there is a remote chance that something horrible happened, it can happen given his age and knowing that he has a condition that can get him in the hospital at any time. But I doubt it.

Rather than thinking of terrible things I have to think it was his mindset maybe, maybe a family fight, maybe that I know the day before a friend of his had died but he called me to talk about that and he was not a close friend.

So, Luzinha what advice I would give the other person is to be patient and that perhaps it does not matter so much. I will eventually find out. In Israel the strict part of the holiday ends tonight so now I do not even know whether he can call me tonight or only tomorrow night as in most places and I may be deathly worried because of that by Tuesday.

I would tell others to chill but I cannot be objective here. It is worse than if he had not called me on my birthday. In a normal case I would not care if he did not call me for a day, I would not even comment on it in any way whatsoever but this is totally different.

If he does call and I think eventually he will as we at least have other ties and honestly it would really shock me if after we have reservations for meeting in two weeks and I have a plane ticket for December, he would just blow up everything, I have thought of not being available to talk right away as hard as it is. If I do answer then I may ask him as a religious question (remember I do not know everything) whether it is not customary for people to give others good wishes. He will understand it but I may pose it as a question of learning. Here is where I need your advice girls? Not answer? Ask what happened turning it into a question of learning?

Or what would you advice girls? As I said again normally him not calling for two days,ok, it has occasionally happened, not a big deal and yes Jessica I am totally fine with him not calling during a holiday of course but before? I would like you girls tell me how to feel about this as it is not something I want to blow out of proportion.

Jessica since you know more about religion, do people normally send good wishes before Sukkot too, am I right?

At least I am going to work today so that will take my mind off of it a bit but tomorrow I am off.

I am not going to do what I did last time that I blocked him, that was foolish, I will either not talk or talk and find out. I will not worry whether he even calls me ever. After that I may still see him in two weeks and we can discuss everything.

Of course the worst thoughts rushed through my head that he is cancelling all of our plans and so on. I dreamt of my ex, the one that crushed me for three years wow it was a wild dream of him contacting me again.

The reason I am here and I give advice are bifold. I used to teach teenagers English and they started using me as their relationship advisor. I loved it, I always wanted to be a psychiatrist like my father. I find that it is possible to ruin your own relationships and yet learn from your mistakes and try to tell others what not to do to perhaps save a few other people from heartache. I know that I was never so in love as I was with my ex fiancee. I know that I acted really truly horribly towards the end. He was inherently not a good person but I do to this day believe he was madly in love with me. Towards the end I started clinging like crazy because of my father leaving me I developed fear of abandonment in the relationship. It was toxic before and I went downhill so it was only a matter of time and of course he dumped me in the most horrible way that can be done to a person but I was ridiculously needy. Blaming myself made me try to learn from this. I do believe that relationship would have ended anyhow as the guy was scared to death of commitment.

In this relationship I am sure I made mistakes, there were a couple of times when I was pushing things or wanted them discussed but not very often, maybe altogether three times. In the beginning I can always be cool, even too cool, as things intensify is when strangely I start acting more pushy because I have developed feelings by then.

Since my head is not clear here that is why I was asking you girls how I should react. Jessica of course your last paragraph is part of it I am sure but at this point I am even scared all of that is off too.