Feeling very scared

I just read your update, big hugs

I have the same reaction as you. I feel like Wow so he could have called but he doesn’t, instead says whatsup? I was concerned that maybe something happened but he just chose not to call you when he said he would & when he knew it was important to you – I would be feeling the same way. In my experience, when a man doesn’t contact you when he normally would & we get extremely upset about it, it is not us overreacting but it is our intuition telling us this what is happening which is why we feel so bad. I’d be insulted if a man I’m dating said “whatsupp?” to me in the first place because it shows he is acting like I am a friend.

I have been feeling for some time that his performance as your partner is declining even when he is not doing anything that is so *wrong* per sec & now after this it is obvious. All of the terrible stress & making yourself sick over this, it is just so not worth your time in any way shape or form.

It seems he may be conditioning you to receive less? I find the fact he did not call you before this holiday just inexcusable & indicative of the bigger picture. I think the man out there for you is NOT him.

Belle, you asked so I will post a little more about my ex and I – this time about our second chance, twelve years after we broke up the first time after college.

After we broke up, and after the second time I turned him down, he called me one last time. I felt horrible because I could hear in his voice his pain. I had it too, but I just didn’t know what else to do. After that, we had no contact whatsoever. I got married had two children and had a good career. My marriage wasn’t perfect, the main reason being that I married the wrong man – he was a good person, great father, and we were both good at parenting together, but romantically and intellectually, I was not happy and I felt like I would never be. So divorce was initiated. Around that time, I got an email from my ex, jokingly asking about legal services. He had found me online finally, after looking for me for years and not finding anything. My new job had posted my profile and he found it. He said he was looking for me only so he could look in on my life and make sure I was happy.

Anyway, we started emailing and talking. This went on for a few months. I printed out and saved all of our emails to each other from that time because they are pretty amazing. He told me that after we broke up, he had worked to build his business up into a big company – he told me he did this for me, in case we got back together, he wanted to be ready. Very Great Gatsby. Only then he heard from a friend of mine that I was getting married. Then he hit bottom and picked himself up. He apparently married the first girl he dated after that. Unfortunately, he married a girl that I am pretty sure wanted him for his money and the lifestyle he could give her. They ultimately got divorced because she refused to make sure there was a salad ready for him in the fridge when he got home from work late (which happened often) – mind you they had a housekeeper, so all she had to do was make sure the housekeeper made it. But she refused, and this was one of many issues, so the salad was the ‘straw’ so to speak. (Do you see the point of my previous post about power struggles? His ex was engaging in one with him – rather than appreciate his hard work when she was sitting at home all day and caring that he would be hungry when he got home, she had the attitude of, you can’t tell me what to do, like he owed her all this and she didn’t need to contribute anything). Anyway, he was also getting divorced.

We finally decided to meet in NYC because, unbelievably, he and I would be there at the exact same time for business (different) later that month. I was at a conference and afterwards, we were going to meet, he was going to pick me up at my hotel. At the agreed upon time, I got a text that said, go down to the lobby and go out of the hotel and make a left. Walk down the street slowly and don’t look back. So I do this until I am about to get to 6th and suddenly feel hands over my eyes from behind. I turn around and its him. I felt like we had just seen each other yesterday. All of my feelings came flooding back. He looked a little different, but mostly the same. I looked pretty much the same as when he had last seen me too. He and I still had the same chemistry as before and amazing communication. We went out for most of the night all around Manhattan. He had his cousin with him from Israel who joined us at some point – and the two of them together were a riot. I hated to say goodbye but I wasn’t sad. He was going next to Vegas and he called me from there and we ended up talking for 8 hours straight.

Eventually, I went out to see him again and we started an LDR that lasted for almost four years. We would travel all over together, meeting at many amazing places, and sometimes we would just visit each other at home. We had amazing times. There was no issue about religion. In fact, we hung out a lot with his family, I was there a lot for Friday night dinners and some holidays. When he and I got back together, he finally forgave his mother and let go of all the anger that he’d had toward her all those years. All was good. But then, during the recession, his business took a huge hit. He had been paying for all of our flights and trips – and the financial aspect of this became more difficult. He was always a very generous person, so this was not an excuse on his part. However, he was also miserable – even though it had nothing to do with me. His business was struggling and so was he to keep everything together – having differences with his father in the business, trying to juggle his kids and work and dealing with his ex. Even though I was his haven, he felt bad that he could no longer fly me out to see him very often. His sisters told me he looked so unhealthy and they were worried about him. I obviously was supportive, but it was difficult to be there for someone when you can’t really be there. Also, he began pushing me away because he felt like he was going to make me miserable. His words were: the ship is going down and I don’t want to take you with it – I want to put you on a life boat. He wanted to give me a chance at happiness. We were at the point of naturally getting married, but getting married under those circumstances was impossible. He wanted me to possibly find someone who could give me everything I needed, who could be there for me and give me attention. I, of course, was furious with him for this! I said, I want to be there in good times and bad – you don’t know what you are saying and you are going to wake up in two months and wish I was there. He said he knew that but also knew this was the right thing to do for me. I still didn’t want to give up on us and was heartbroken. To top it off, my birthday was that week. He was in Germany for business. He sent me two dozen roses with a card that said “I will always love you.” He called me to wish me happy birthday and during the call, at first he was very cold but then as we talked he started crying. He told me that he had been in a very dark place, was working non-stop and missed me but knew this was the right thing for me. He was just cutting himself off emotionally – in every part of his life – because he was just overwhelmed and needed to be able to just get through everything without feeling all the anxiety and stress. Trust me, I had added a little of stress but barely anything – this was more him wanting to protect me. Even so, at the time, I was so hurt and angry with him that I didn’t see it. Two months later, we talked and he told me how much he still loved me and missed me, but that he wanted me to be happy and knew that it could not be with him in his state. A month later we FaceTimed at my request because I wanted him to see my face when I told him that I was going to start dating. He told me how beautiful I was and that it pained him but he knew that dating was the next step toward any possible happiness for me.

It was summer time…and so, realizing that he was a brick wall, I decided I had to start dating. Sitting by my girlfriend’s pool,I read an article where a girl goes on four blind dates – meeting each one differently – the one that panned out best for her was surprisingly the guy she met on Tinder. I honestly had never heard of it, so I checked it out and right there downloaded the app and started swiping. It was really more of a joke than anything. I liked a bunch of guys, not knowing how the whole thing worked. One of the guys was really cute and I remember my girlfriend going yes! I said, are you sure, he looks Israeli? She’s like: yes, and she clicked like for me. He liked me right away too and called me that night and asked me out. We met for dinner a couple of nights later and I walked in thinking this man is gorgeous, but no one could ever live up to the love I had with my ex. We had a great discussion during dinner and after he asked if I wanted to continue our date, he didn’t want it to end yet, so we went to a nearby casino and nightclub and walked around and talked. He asked me a million questions about myself (some of them were really blunt) – and I asked him a lot too. I told him that I was not interested in any sort of hook ups – that I was looking to get remarried someday and wanted to find a man that I could be truly happy with. I told him that I would never settle for anything but true love. He told me that he wanted to get married too and would love to have kids.

So this was two years ago, and that man is now my current BF. We’ve had ups and downs due to cultural issues, or worries about potential issues if and when we ever got married (he and I are actually very compatible in most ways). I won’t go into this relationship now since this post is another very long one. We were great in the beginning, then had a lot of ups and downs, and now again we are very good – though there is the possibility this could all go down in flames due to his parents arriving soon. If you want to hear more about that, I’d be happy to elaborate – but I don’t want to bore anyone!!

SthrnBelle,
It sounds to me that this relationship is unraveling.
I truly am sorry to hear all this is happening.
In all honestly I think you need to take some steps back from this man.
It’s time to really focus on you and stop harboring so much pain, stress, and sadness over this.
You cannot go on like this and it’s not healthy for your well being.

Wow, Jess what a story! I loved it, it is was so bittersweet though, you WERE meant to be together but you see sometimes our choices interfere with fate, God, whatever we want to call it.

I had a relationship like this which I told on this forum before, it was my first love. He was Jewish too, his family loved me but I made a stupid mistake because I was very angry at him for leaving for the summer and he had not wanted to go that I cheated on him and of course right in front of his sister. I was not proud of this at all and he tried to forgive me but I was a very very strong, powerful and stubborn girl and I created stupid fights. Sex was awesome of course. Even though he was in love with me he broke up with me because honestly I know how intense I was back then, I toned down a lot since. It was the cheating too and that his family turned against me.

Of course I chased him for a month or so, not regularly but I tried every two weeks of so and I remember how stupid I was, one time I walked across the entire capital at night to see him only to miss him, this was like a two hour walk. Lol the youth.

So I gave up and started dating another guy. So my love appeared and at this time, I thought I was over him and even though he tried everything I did not give in. Then I flew to California to have a vacation and both guys were at the airport, my ex the one that was my love came unexpectedly and there was a huge scene with current BF slapping me. I was doing nothing wrong.

While in CA I kicked out current BF and met a third guy, that was how I ended up in CA for nine years. It later turned out that my first love waited years for me to come home. We got in touch in our thirties. We almost started dating again but as luck would have it he had just fallen for another girl a few months before we met again.

It was really hard and he said that he would feel the same about me even in twenty years but we decided against starting again even though both his family and his friends really wanted him to break up with the girl and date me. We lost contact and now he has a beautiful child with the girl.

I have no hard feelings against me, it was my decision to not stay in touch. I sometimes feel sorry about it because we were so great together even as friends but you know I knew that would not work as the chemistry was the same 13 years after the first time.

The funny thing about self fulfilling prophecies, I have had many in my life, was that him and I always said we would meet again in 13 years and we ended up doing just that and it had to be fate or someone above. I have the best feelings about this guy and I still to this day think he was my best partner. Of course the first. No hard feelings ever and no resentment. I am happy that he is happy (I hope). I do not think I had such heavy feelings left for him in my thirties but I will always think of him with a smile.

Now your turn Jess.:)))

Yeah, he always said that he felt like G-d was angry with him because we were meant to be together and he had messed it up – like he had messed with the universe. He had always been angry during our time apart, and then when we got back together, he was happy again. Everyone commented about it – he was his happy self again. So the whole thing is bittersweet, but not when we got back together, it was bliss then. Even now, I am not sad about us not being together – I feel like we are still connected very strongly – we really are like family. When we first started speaking again he told me: do you know that I always knew that your name would be the last thing I said before I die. Even if he and I hadn’t spoken again, he loved me so much still that he would say my name with his dying breath. I can’t even describe how I felt when he told me that. I know it’s still true.

The more you tell me, the more we have in common. I was in CA too for 8 years. When were you there? I was there in the 90s. So funny!

About your ex BF – its good that he’s happy and you are over him, but I know how you feel. I also hope you see the history of reacting to things that you don’t like or disappoint you with self-destructive, or at least relationship destructive, behavior. He hurt you by going away for the summer, so you hurt him back and, in doing so, you hurt yourself. I am sure you see this and have realized this before today – but its always good to see the things that we do.

I’m not surprised that your BF texted you again. I believe he doesn’t realize he did anything wrong, or at least to the extent that you are upset. He’s trying to get your attention. But I know you don’t trust him and think that he did this intentionally or thoughtlessly because he doesn’t care for or respect you as much as he said. React however you feel you have to, and you don’t need to talk if you don’t feel like it. I would not respond right away, especially if I was upset and needed to collect my thoughts and calm down. However, you are also prolonging your anguish about this and I think that the quicker you resolve your feelings the better. This anxiety is not good for your health. I would wait until he blows up your phone – and then he will obviously understand that something is wrong – when you finally answer/respond, let him know that you felt hurt when you didn’t get a call before the holiday and didn’t feel valued and you needed to think and collect your thoughts. Just tell him how feel, not necessarily what he did wrong. And then listen to what he has to say.

I am glad you talked! :) so all is well, he is just scared & feeling pressure? I hope I understood right

Ashley, that is what it sounded like to me that he is scared to even talk about things on the phone because he is scared that I will run away? That is the feeling I got. He is scared that he cannot make me happy only meeting this rarely and the problem is he wants to give it time to move together which I truly understand but of course we both see that we cannot see how things develop if we cannot spend time together.

Sorry if I was confusing, I am very tired, it is really late here and I had a very difficult day, getting up in five hours and still have things to do.

Which is exactly what he is feeling too; he is completely torn; he does not want to lose me and it seems that he genuinely loves me but yet he sees the reality now which was not apparent in the beginning, he cannot see me always every two-three weeks which was in the beginning, this has become two months and we both agreed we never would have had problems had this two month distance not happened. But it did and he is not ready to jump into a commitment and I am at a turning point having to see which direction to move in, I think if it goes downhill, he will be just as devastated as me. I do think he is constantly struggling with feelings versus reality. Question is whether love conquers all what we believe in and in this equation there are two people. Maybe he does want me to reach out more yet I am afraid to get hurt or rejected and so is he. Time will tell is all I can say.

Belle, I am so glad that you finally talked to him. I just knew this man was not intending to drop you – he’s just frazzled. It sounds like you had a meaningful conversation about how you feel and the issues and possible fixes for your need for connection and his need for your patience.

Now you can take a deep breath and think about the relationship, not whether he’s wanting it, but whether BOTH of you can make it work. I think this man loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. It seems wants to commit but is scared that he can make you happy – when you have gotten upset at him for his mistakes in the past, it may have made him think that he will always disappoint him. Try and be softer with him. I know if goes against a lot of advice on here about boundaries, but when someone loves you, this is truly the thing that will make you closer. If you truly believe he loves you, internalize that, and when he does something that irritates or disappoints you, try and remember it and give him the benefit of the doubt. If he knows you are forgiving, he will try even harder to make you happy. Now that you know how he feels and that he didn’t intentionally not contact you, go back and re-read my advice. Be confident in yourself that he wants to be with you….this will go a long way and prevent many overreactions on your part to his mistakes.

I know you have a few things to work out. But it seems to me that you guys are much better off than you were a few days ago. I hope you feel better! Please keep us updated!! I have to go right now, but will post another part about my BF later.

Jessica, me being the skeptic of course I am still saying time will tell, it seems we are both equally scared though. I told him about the email I wrote in which I apologized for being too harsh and unfair and he asked me why I never sent it? It could be that if I had sent it, it would have never happened what did the last few days. In fact I should give up being so stubborn and in fact just do what my gut feeling tells me to do sometimes. He did seem to relax at the end when I told him see this and that you did were really wonderful things, if you do that more things will go better, than he opened up and was able to tell me how I felt the last few days. I can only hope it is a good thing.

I do think this site is great but I also think that sometimes we are a little too harsh, nothing is black and white in life. You can also chase away a guy by being too cold or too harsh and by no means am I cold, not at all but IRL I am not.

Ashley, yeah I thought about the same thing but fact is that I am also an incredibly passionate person and I also do very badly without sex and it is really hard to manage me without intimacy. It was fine when we met every three weeks but anything going beyond a month is grueling hard. It may be that if we meet in October and it really happens then we will have to wait another 2.5 months till Xmas when I am supposed to go to Israel for almost two weeks. That will be tough afterwards.

I need to figure out a way to positively encourage him but we are only human and surely I have my bad days due to daily two-three pieces of bad news lately or legal BS and he surely has his moments too.

Hi sthrnbelle, I just read through your thread. This guy really loves you. Hang in there, the both of you can make it work! :)

Hi Lady T thanks! StillLearning also big thank you, wow you were able to read through this string of novels we created? Mostly me but Jessica is also adding really interesting parts. Well, hers being maybe more collected than mine I must admit.:)))

This has become almost like a diary of an LTD, spiced up with some other factors. Of course you will have not very collected pieces from me when I am struggling, emotions can run high and then my writing is obviously not the greatest.

Well, of course Jessica everything that I was taught on this forum tells me that if I have an open, honest conversation, then I can expect punishment and yes that was the case last time. But I also had to learn that it is not just games, it is not really that he has me where he wants to have me but that I have made my share of mistakes such as coming across too pushy. I would not say needy necesssarily but I learnt that a man feels inadequate when you start nagging them because they feel they cannot make you happy, I did not know this, I thought they would want to improve themselves and the relationship. Sure, to a certain point yes but one has to be really careful with criticism.

I have to add that I have not criticized a lot, during the two months of being away I think we talked a few times about problems, maybe a total of four times, the one two weeks ago being the worst. And last night did not start so well because he was like but we just had this conversation a short time ago and then at the end he was asking why I did not write my clarifications about that and I said this is why, I did not want to keep nagging him.

Also the phone thing, he first seemed really annoyed because he thought I was saying he had to call every day and I explained it was not about that at all because sometimes he has not and I made no big deal about that, whereas what I see from many ladies even those in local relationships is that they expect daily texts running throughout the day and I do not. I simply did expect it before a major holiday.

And I did explain that I felt pushed away and I certainly hope that this time I will not be punished and he will not pull away as then I do not know what I will do. Perhaps be kinder and softer and more forgiving is all I can say.

I only hope it is not too late. On the one hand I have been really patient, on the other hand I could have been more patient. I am only human but I certainly did not want to lose him because of that. But I am also too hard on myself, the right man will have some patience with us too.

Jess thanks, your words are very soothing, clever and words of reason with compassion. I will look for your stories and will update as I can. Of course now I am scared that the things I said will make him pull away but I really ended it on a positive note with corrections to my prior criticism and by positive encouragement, so we shall see. I will write but for the moment I am running to work after 3 hours of sleep. Wonderful.