Feeling very scared

Thanks Emma!

Time will tell. I think we miscommunicated a lot and I misunderstood him. I have tried what Jessica suggested and you know what it really worked. Playing always by the rules is not good especially because not all men and situations are created equal. He really felt sad I had never called him and so I did this morning and he was so very happy and reacted to it totally differently than where I let things slip. I accused him of things that were not true because of miscommunication due to distance, I had to go back in time and remember who this person is. It is not that he does not want to commit but he cannot yet as we are not rich to just move in together. Never knew LDR will be so hard and time will be the judge if it works or not but we really love each other and that does not come around very often. He has the best effect on me when we are together, it is like I feel no stress at all and I can let go. I have to remind myself that real love is patient and understanding and forgiving, never hasty and not get worked up right away and expect the worst. I have to also allow myself to open up and not always expect the other person to do everything. I was a bit too harsh. Not good either. Rules work mostly but there are times when you really just have to let go and go by what you are feeling. Otherwise you never enjoy anything and every once in a while a man needs to be encouraged too. I am sure that this will be a very rocky road but I cannot agree that this is an unhealthy relationship and unhappy. There has to be a solution to solve the LDR but if I have no patience, no relationship will work.

I am glad that what I said helped. Sometimes being soft is good – with the right guy. A not so right guy will take advantage of that, but you always have your power to walk away. I do think your BF is a good guy that will respond to this – but always remember, its not a game, you need to come from a place of strength (the strength in yourself, in knowing that you can get through anything in your life) and trust (in him, that he wants to be with you and has good intentions – because he has demonstrated this). If you believe this, you can always be patient and kind with won’t overreact from a place of fear.

Emma, She has all three of these things. Just because he CAN’T spend time with her does’t mean he doesn’t WANT to be with her. I think she’s indicated many things where he’s been there for her. I think she knows that he has many things in his life that are pulling him in all directions. He was brought her into his life. He seems to have very good intentions.

You don’t always fall in love with someone who is from the same background and there will be challenges in a relationship like this. Setting yourself up for failure is to set unrealistic expectations. I hope you aren’t saying that if everything isn’t perfect from the beginning then it isn’t love. Because you can love someone perfectly, but not always know how to deal with all situations perfectly from the start. Not everyone can live near each other, have the same religion, all the time in the world, all the money they need and know how to deal perfectly with everything from the start – and comes to the relationship in this perfect state – this is just reality – what matters is someone’s love, intentions and commitment to you. If you love each other, you figure it out. You are basically saying to her that if everything isn’t perfect, she should walk away. That is an immature way of thinking. That is also seeing a relationship as what YOU can GET out of it. You can’t have a true partnership and lasting relationship if you are always expecting, taking and not giving. If a man loves you, its okay to be patient with him! He will love you all the more for it.

Hi Girls,

Thanks both of you. Jessica you again said some wonderful things. You are right that I struggle with trust a lot due to my past but so does he and the right balance has to be found where I am not going to the other extreme where I am never reaching out to him. Sometimes men can appreciate that as well. In the past, in the beginning a couple of times I emailed him and it really touched him.

In the last ten days something was broken and I realized that from the times we spent together how he would stress all day if he felt that he was not making me 100 % happy and how I was able to ease that which is why I was going to email him and now after talking I called him.

What is hard for me is having faith and trust.

Emma I was not going to end it in an email, I did not share the email over here, the email was actually telling him all the positives he did for me and we shared and how I missed that and wanted to see if it can be repaired.

We both distanced ourselves, which was a hard spot to be in but he was still trying a little more to reach out and I realized that some things I said were really unfair and that sometimes there is a place for an apology for those things I was wrong about.

Emma, yes the three things are there. The only person my colleague that met him really likes him and thinks that it is obvious how much he loves me and that he is a very honest person with a lot of integrity and respect for others but also high expectations for that in others. I am the same way. We are very compatible, we are just fighting really hard obstacles.

I know that he loves me or he would not have said the Tel Aviv story either, he has a hard time saying it also because I touched on sensitive points that hurt him but he would not have said this in tears and said that he did not want to lose me had he not had feeling and even when I did not realize I had hurt him he was trying. This was one.

Two, he wants to spend time with me as much as he can, sadly he cannot more. His trip to Europe was cancelled by his company end of August after our three week stay together at his home with his family. HE wanted me to be there for so long, I was originally going to spend one week. His company cancelling on him meant he had to cancel his vacation with his children too who are the world to him. He planned to come to Europe sooner but again they did not allow him. Other years it was different but he is a worldwide manager and the owners are pulling the strings on his travels. It is a matter of luck that he is now coming to my area and travelling further to meet me so we take a five days business/vacation and he risks business secrets doing part with me and then we visit some of his friends too. He also bought me a plane ticket for Christmas to his home for ten day. Unfortunately,in the beginning we both had more money and I was able to travel more too, which is not possible now on my own money or his and his company only pays business trips of course.

Three he did a lot for me, he trusted me with very high value items for the business which were his inheritance and is sending other things and we are not talking dimes. No papers. Trust based only. It was to help my business too-. He bought me my favorite wine he remembered what it was a few weeks after I left, just little things that he does but very nice things regardless. He always buys me what I love to eat and he is very nervous about preparing everything right so I am not unhappy. What stresses him out the most is if he cannot make me happy, i.e., spending enough time with me.

Re: solutions, this is the hardest. Even though we have known each other for almost two years, we have only been together close to 5 months and only met four times although for longer times. I cannot expect him to be absolutely positive about living with me. He said he wants to be with me forever but he is scared and wants to see things develop further, where I have truth also is that if we cannot meet enough that is tough but we can see if feelings deepen even more. He has been going back and forth where he wants me to move I can tell and then unsure and back.

There are so many obstacles, firstly neither one of us is rich, I am after a terribly draining divorce. We work with very high value items but I am also not ready to sell my whole business and am really low on cash, same with him. He has two difficult adult children to support. Business in general is not so good and of course he cannot make as much today as he did before. I would have to find a job where I move and question how when he travels all the time and which place to choose. We have to see.

Religion is the other serious problem, if not the most serious. I have to fit in this world in some way, perhaps I can but I may have a lot to do. His whole business is revolving around religion, he cannot damage his reputation. I think he is willing to risk this somewhat even, he would not care but he is somewhat tied.

I cannot give you full answers only what I can so far derive from our phone conversations, I know he wants to talk in person, which we failed to do while living together for 3 weeks. He did not plan not to see me and I got really upset when it turned out that way.

Ashley suggested that it is good to be alone or she likes it, I do too but I am also a very highly social person and love company. I have a lot of friends but all over the world, not so many local, I travel to see my friends a lot too. But companionship is different. I felt like a different person after we lived together for 3 weeks, his presence was very soothing and calming. I never expected this, I noticed it before but before I considered this a fun experience and it became so much more, a very deep level of connection.

Because we are so deeply connected, I think we would terribly miss each other and it is worth the risk, every risk involves the possibility of terrible heartache and the possibility of happiness. So far the former has been true for me but I cannot start out thinking negatively.

Jessica, I think you never finished the end of the bliss, your story really touched me.

Emma,

You may be misunderstanding me or perhaps some confusing things were said earlier in this thread. We have had a real connection for a year and a half prior to the relationship when he also did a lot of things for me as well as thereafter. Like I said this man shared so much with me that you do not expect from family members, then I had to realize it was also my fault for not trusting him, those are my inner demons sadly.

To clarify I spent three weeks with him one time at his home with his family and not sure why you understand it like we spent little time together? We spent the entire time together and of course we always talked a lot, one thing I love about him is communication.

We also met I think 3-4 other times in the relationship for five days each Time. We talk practically daily, he has shared just about everything about his life with me, I know things about him that only one person knows in the world besides me, so yes we talk a lot and this is one thing I really love besides the obvious chemistry and love.

He is also a person of character, very honesty and sensitive. I think one problem is that it is planted in girls’ heads that this and that guy is not interested in you and it could not be farther from the truth in his case.

Honestly I think I needed to let go of pushing or that feeling within me because after 5 months it is simply not feasible yet that we move together but not because he does not want to. He has told me that he would like to spend his life with me and be with me forever but that we must be patient.

It is not vacations, I am the first woman he has introduced to his family since his divorce 13 years ago and also to all business partners and friend and we work together too. You may not understand that in this field you simple do not date a business parnter like me and he actually made that public very carefully and was happy to share with everyone. HE was the one that wanted me to meet everyone, his family members and everyone else, he was so proud to introduce me and I lived with his son too for 3 weeks. He almost cried when he thought of losing me, he was in tears I heard it on the phone, I simply misunderstood him.

I understand him now, I let go and relaxed, he has to lead, I have to make him feel that yes he can make me happy because it stresses him out the most if he feels that he cannot. It feels great and things are great as they used to be. I feel liberated from expectations. I do not think he has yet to ask me to move there, not enough time. We have to see if we can make it work but it certainly will not happen by me pushing.

BTW, yes he definitely wants me living with him but we have many official things, finances are not the easiest, there is the religion thing, these issues we will talk about when we meet in ten days or so.

I had to see that the way I had guys go crazy for me was because I did not care, hence I was relaxed. This has to be within me, I have to internalize it. We shall see and I am sure hardships will ensue but working on myself is the most important.

Well, the one thing they tell you is that you feel it when a person really loves you and he does. My friend that met him tell me the same thing. I simply cannot allow this little devil be planted in my head that a man that has done and tries to do so much for me but is restricted by things he cannot help, does not care and will not care about me. I cannot allow it. I let that ruin some good relationships already and in the bad ones I was relaxed and of course the guys were all over me. I set the pace and dynamics, after all a woman can do a lot to lead the relationship without actually seeming to lead it.

Where are you Jess? I was looking forward to the rest of your stories badly.:)))

Belle, I’m sorry, I didn’t abandon you! I actually posted a comment for you and wrote out my story twice and tried to post it here the night before last, then saw that it didn’t post and then again yesterday but it didn’t post then either (on a different computer). I actually thought maybe there is a limit on the number of posts in each thread, until I saw yours and Emma’s today. So I’m testing whether this posts. Maybe my posts were too long? IDK. I will try and post, or put on my own thread (my BFs family is coming on Sunday and I’m freaking out a bit).

Jess is it ok if I call you that or you prefer Jessica?

When your posts do not go through it is because you are using banned words here, there have been mentions of that, it has happened to me too. Certain words trigger the spam filters.

I will read your post in a sec.

It is hard for me to believe what Emma is saying, I do not think that a strict ortodox guy would introduce me to anyone unless he was really serious.

I think I got fears from my past abusive relationships creep into my brain and then acted irrational and needy.

I think frustration got the best of me, this darn LDR thing. Only time will tell how we can solve the problems and difficulties because it is really hard with him being pulled on strings by his company and if at least one of us was rich, it would be much easier but whatever value we own, we need it in our companies too.

I agree that I don’t think he’s just playing with you. Think about this…you are not convenient. Guys usually play with girls who are too convenient. You are the opposite…he needs to make an effort to see you. And he is. And I agree, an orthodox guy wouldn’t introduce you if he wasn’t serious. I think you just need to continue and not let fear get the best of you again.

Belle

You said: “Not sure why you understand it like we spent little time together.” – Because you said: “I know he wants to talk in person, which we failed to do while living together for 3 weeks. He did not plan not to see me and I got really upset when it turned out that way.”

You said: “BTW, yes he definitely wants me living with him.” – I’m not so sure about that… you said earlier: “He has been going back and forth where he wants me to move I can tell and then unsure and back.”

I think you need to talk to him and sort things out. And it’d be a good idea to focus on the following:

– Future plans. A LDR relationship without future plans is pretty much domed. (And “we must be patient” is NOT a future plan, it borders on stringing you along).

– A time limit. Are you gonna wait for this man for the rest of your life? How much time is OK for you to waste?

Also, “the children issue”, please think long and hard about this… and ask yourself if it’s something you will regret one day. I’m saying this because a woman who does not want kids, doesn’t see that as if she’s making a sacrifice.

Last, I don’t think fear is your problem. I think you’re unable to see your situation clearly and for what it is. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but you should definitely think about the things I have mentioned… and talk to him… and make important decisions for your future.

Wow Jessica, you have not had it easy either with all these difficult situations; religion problems, LDR, guys not settling down despite loving you! This story about your BF, well, I tell you they always come back when you have finally given up on them and they cannot understand how hard it is for us to start things again especially if you feel that they have gone back and forth so much that by now you have pretty much lost the trust which is an essential part of love working between two people. And I totally agree that men always have delayed reactions, most do not really know for sure what they want until they think they have completely lost you. But sometimes I think this is not ideal, that we would want someone who just knows, yet most are not like that. Then of course you and I have much in common, we are complex people who are drawn to complex people. So this BF is not Jewish then? I also cannot remember, I thought that you had children already, correct? So in your case it would be easy not to but BF does want kids for sure. Wow, that is always a tough one, also the guy being younger.

I do keep having the feeling that it is your ex that is meant for you but I could of course be wrong. I just keep wondering, hey 2013 is not so far ROFL, ok I know this was a bad joke but really I wish he had pulled his sh*t together. You have really given this new BF a lot of chances too and I am very curious to see the ending.

My best friend also broke up with her BF many times by the time he actually asked her to marry him, I was in the middle of the whole fiasco as I was the one making their engagement ring. So I was the mediator between the two parties. In my opinion it may not work out at the end because they are just completely incompatible. It is not that he did not commit for three years, it is that they are like fire and ice. We can only see. I think my friend played it well that she got him to commit at the end and he never cheated really or done anything wrong but the problem there is the personality issues.

Dumping guys seem to work well sometimes but I sure wish it was not necessary.I am afraid I have to end up doing that with my BF sometimes to get him to commit, the time has not come yet to do it but also I truly wish he decided to go ahead without my having to do that and both of us suffering as a result. I am not ready anyhow, this last time I almost did break up with him, I developed an ulcer and I would like to have things settled in my life before I make choices about my private life. Talk later, hope you slept well.

I didn’t mean that you should have a talk to push him, you should have a talk to find out if you’re on the same page.

He may very well love you, but does he love you enough to make it work – that’s what you wanna find out.

And for god’s sake DON’T “dump him to get him to commit”, cause that will never end well. Dump a guy (and move on) because you’ve lost interest, you’re not compatible or he doesn’t treat you well, and for no other reason.

Good luck tomorrow Jessica!

I agree girls, I was going to dump him because I felt that I had it at the time but then I realized that I was really impatient.

The reason I do not want to force a talk at all now and I know he will want to talk is because I really do not want to push the issue and ruin our time together. He has always said that we were on the same page, the patience part was because honestly we really need to work on things so we can make it happen. If he had not wanted me to live with him or at least test the waters, he never would have brought me to live with him and his kids.

I agree the child issue was one I considered breaking up over. But then I just knew that knowing how fast I am in developing feelings for men and how many I have found that I could truly love, I may not find another one until I am 50! Seriously, I dated so many men in my life and I loved three men really, one when I was 19, then 35 and then him. There were only really rotten apples in between and my second love, who was my biggest was a real j*rk too.

I am feeling sort of helpless when it comes to his children issue. I went back and forth about this during my life. There were times I really wanted children and then totally rejected the idea, then back to really wanting and now I basically have absolutely no idea but I am leaning towards not wanting one. Seriously. That said my heart yearns for a baby. I cannot figure out my feelings on this.

The other option is to find a man to have a child with and become a single mom, yes I have considered this too, that if he does not want one I just try anyhow and raise my own child and not tell him, I know that this sounds really crazy but he is scared of children. He has issues and he is older and his issues are not light and he does not want to be irresponsible.

Wow Jessica, this is really exciting but yikes scary too. I have a real problem with guys letting their family have a say but my relationship with my ex fiancee went South largely due to his family as well, in that case his son’s jealousy. I think you will do just fine and you are such a relaxed and easygoing person that I cannot imagine a bad result for you. You seem to take things really well and be very level-headed, I wish I was as calm and patient as you are.

Belle,
It sounds like you are thinking about the baby issue a lot. That’s good. But really if you are yearning for a baby, I think that says something. I am too and I know I want at least one more. Maybe I’m crazy to think that / but I feel it and I hope if it’s meant to be G-d will make it happen. So please keep thinking. Maybe there’s a solution for you on that with him.

Yes, I agree it’s not ideal to allow family to interfere – I hope they don’t – but you know the family is paramount in many cultures and important for most people everywhere. I hope it goes as its meant to – however that is. I can only be myself and be patient and kind to all. I’ve always known that not everyone was raised like me – with many different people and cultures around me enabling me to be educated and open minded about others – it was a gift for me and I cannot expect everyone to see things the same right away as I do.

Thank you for the compliment – I am calm now (I wasn’t always), my nature is calm tho. I think it helps that I feel I have options – I think if it doesn’t work out with my bf, I will be okay and there is someone else out there for me and, if all else fails, there is my ex in 2023….LOL! That confidence that I will be happy either way gives me strength and keeps away acting from fear and allows me to just act from love.

Philly, I can break up the posts but if I write short then I leave out a lot. Also we have now sort of gotten into a conversation with Jessica and sort of writing what I feel, think of, etc.

Philly, I will never fully get over my past traumas. I am still working on it of course and it is a work in progress, in a way we all are but my terrible marriage actually healed me in many ways, weird I know but I realized what I was and what I was not looking for.

Re: communication, many men are not great at it, he is incredibly good at it considering. Perhaps I was not clear on this but it is essential to me and I would not be with him at all if we could and would not talk about anything and everything; we are on a very deep level that way, it only goes South if I get frustrated and pushy. He has handled that well mostly too. Now he is back to being great at it since we talked about the misunderstanding. Easy to misunderstand over the phone. He has now started texting and calling a lot more since I made it clear that I was not rejecting him.

Re the religion issue, no, not raised that way but yes I have followed traditions for a long time. In my teens I went to a school with Jewish children mostly and we all read literature, I studied Hebrew at the Uni when I was 15 though I remember little now but learning slowly and most of my friends and boyfriends have been Jewish and so I have been exposed to a lot. He is not THAT religious in my opinion, not Hassidic and he is more lax on certain issues than say his kids are and he chose to relax on certain things. My problem is mostly that the papers of my grandparents were falsified during the Holocaust. It can be solved if we want to solve it, at worst I do a light conversion, in my area many have this problem.

The biggest problem with this is that I may not want to follow every single rule but I may change that over time.

Philly please tell your story if you do not mind because obviously you have been really successful at it.

Thanks Lady T. Jess I write to you soon.

I will try to be shorter girls. Feelings are difficult to write about. Easier when giving advice sometimes as you can be mmore objective. Sorry about the length.:)))