Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Feeling very unsure if I am making the right choices in my life
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AngieBaby.
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Ella
I hope one day to post in here something positive, but am now posting at a bit of a loss unfortunately. This might be long, and if you read it all, thank you kindly. I really find solitude from this group and helpful tips.
I’m 24, posted about two months ago asking why can’t I get over someone I didn’t like, and its been…hard for some reason. I know the reason why (afraid I can’t do much better, wondering why it ended with a ghost) but am really stuck at a loss for what to do. I have been in NYC in a new city a little less than two months now, and left wondering if I made the right choice. I am now a bit more settled into my job, and a routine in my apartment, and slowly trying to put myself out there to make friends. My job is Wednesday thru Sunday 6pm to 2am and I work from home. This immediately deters people once I say it and they all ask me “how do you have a life” “do you even have fun”. And especially bad for dating. I just get pity texts and looks once I share, and I am fully back on the apps. The apps in a major city like NYC is insanely overwhelming and I am afraid the stigma that men around here are not looking for a serious relationship makes me feel concerned too. I went on 3 first dates in November and either I didn’t feel a connection, it was a mutual fade, or one ended well but then he never followed up after saying 3 times he wants to do something again. I work in news and work from home, but don’t know how to say my hours to people (especially as I work weekend nights) without turning them off. I am done with casual situationships and want something more serious. I feel like it might be impossible. And moving to a big city I feel like I just kicked myself in the face.
It doesn’t help all my close friends in my life who I would NEVER think would get into a relationship, are now in a relationship, and here I am: very single. Not sure if anyone remembers my posts from over the summer, but I rejumped back into the dating scene and matched with someone 80 miles away by accident. He lived in a pretty rural area, and this was before I moved out of my house in suburbia. We ended up talking to each other for 3 and a half months. It was insanely too long. We spent hours on the phone, he would text me/blow up my phone everyday, yet we only saw each other 3 times overall. It was long time spent together during those times but it was not at all what I wanted. He kept texting and texting me and was making no plans to get together after our first date, and he kept coming up with excuses and was showing very little to no effort to actually wanting to pursue me so I tried putting him into a “sex only” box which wasn’t exactly smart, as I got attached. It was just so evident he didn’t really like me like that, and I tried to say to him before I left after we spent the night together saying “I had a nice time and would be open to doing this again, and not wait another month in between getting together next” and he responded with “well, change is coming!”. and I knew then it was absolutely nothing to him and I did all the effort to get together. Its like it never fully hit him that I drove 2 hours to see and spend time with him. It was like a foreign concept to him that I maybe liked him a bit. Yet he continued to text me and breadcrumb me. And then wished me a happy birthday randomly, after a month of slow fading texts about random things. then I asked if he could mail something of mine back as a last ditch resort because I knew if he left something by my place accidently I would 100% mail it back, he asked me the address then fully ghosted me. Never mailed it lol which was expected and not really the point, but And I am STILL CONFUSED ABOUT IT. MONTHS. LATER. Is this because I haven’t clicked with anyone else since? I still beat myself up about not speaking up to him but figured he clearly didn’t care so what’s the point, and I needed some self-respect. I think me speaking up telling him “I don’t think we are looking for the same things here” wouldn’t have resulted in any changes. It would have ended the same.
I mention him, because now I have no idea if I can handle this city living. I am so desperate I am ready to go to a church to possibly meet men or single friends. (The guy above was religious too…he never told me the extent of it until after we slept together he told me he wanted to go to church…very confusing for two 23 year olds at the time). And I am NOT a religious person at all. I am pretty agnostic. I feel like I am going against what I believe in now just to get a man. I feel like I am going nuts lowkey.
This has been a hard time adjusting and I have only been in the city for 6 weeks overall so am being hard on myself TOO in that regard, but part of me misses being surrounded by trees and nature and thinks dating in non cities was actually better. My childhood home was sold this fall, and saying bye to that was really, really hard. So that has not helped me on top of ruminating on this guy. Feels like NYC has so much competition, no one respects people’s feelings here or the boys are all players. But again, I tell myself that’s silly to compare and I need to give it a good honest shot and I barely have scratched the surface. So my work schedule is once again, working against me here, but I have a really solid career right now for my age post- college, but kind of wacky hours. I do not do a normal 9-5 so even getting together after work is not doable for me for first dates. I attended a girls friend group thing tonight and it was really nice to meet other gals my age and hear some of the similar frustrations outside of dating, because, sounded like most had boyfriends!! and here I am!! single AGAIN!! It just doesn’t help.
I have done the casual stuff, going with the “flow”, not wanting to speak up to men about where we are at for a solid three years now and have got walked all over. I am so done with that and want something growing and consistent. It’s time. I signed up for a co-ed sports league but its when I am working and am worried I am messing with fire here, but like I said, I have to get somewhat creative with it as I am just constantly in my apartment working and sleeping in a huge city. And since I work weekend nights it really kills the vibe I feel like. I also am not a huge drinker at all.
I have really worked on myself these past few years and graduating in COVID has been incredibly isolating, then working my ass off to get this current job now, I just miss feeling ok about things. I know a relationship will not solve my problems, but I would like to date in a new city I moved too. I was worried I would feel just as isolated here and here I am, typing out a huge paragraph, even mentioning something that was 6 months ago and still eating me up a bit. I am 24 in one of the biggest cities in the world, and should feel grateful to be here. and here I am. Incredibly lonely and sad. If you read all this, thanks.
Maddie
Okay, breathe. NYC is a tough place to not know anyone. There’s so much to do, that everyone can be busy / distracted all the time, which may make regular hangouts with new people a little harder to schedule. Dating can be tough because there are more women than men and people tend to settle down a little later, so some of the men can act very entitled (run, don’t walk, from those guys). You’re not imagining either of those challenges, and it can be very easy to feel lonely and question if it’s the right place for you. You’re not alone in that, ironically! But the good news is, flakiness doesn’t extend to everyone (there are good people out there, you just need to find your people, which can take a little while anywhere new as an adult), and people are pretty friendly and receptive if you strike up a conversation.
I’m not sure who you’ve met so far, but I don’t see why being dismissive of your evening work hours would be the norm. Actors, musicians, other performers, bartenders, service and hospitality workers, they all have evening and weekend hours, and I don’t think they’re receiving much pity from other people about it. Bankers and lawyers can regularly work 80-100 hour weeks, including nights and weekends. So there are a ton of people who share your hours and can make having a social life work. Give yourself more time for your efforts to branch out to take hold. It takes time to build new connections.
I don’t think it’s nuts to find a church with some singles or volunteer groups, and see who you meet. There are also a ton of young person and young professional groups at every cultural institution you can think of in NYC, including museums, the Philharmonic, some theater and dance groups, opera, even the botanical gardens. See if any that you have interest in tend to have group activities on your days off or for afternoon matinees. Some institutions will provide discounts to young people in their 20s and 30s. The other good thing about NYC is any interests you may have, someone else will share. Look for groups or meetups for whatever your interests happen to be, maybe food crawls, book clubs, or even other rec leagues, that match your schedule. Again, there are plenty of people who work nights, so something that matches your schedule should exist.
In regards to dates, coffee or brunch dates or museum dates on the weekend during the early afternoon are totally normal (many museums are cheap if you have proof of local residency btw). So is hanging out in a park when the weather gets better. Internet dating is hard because there are so many options it’s easy to feel like there’s a revolving door, and it won’t be fun if you’re taking it personally if things fizzle out. So use it as a supplement to meeting people, but not exclusively. And don’t compromise your needs and values and interests for what you think others want. That will just get you matched with dates and even friends you’re not compatible with, and won’t lead to your happiness.
Things will also get better socially in the spring when the weather improves and everyone gets back outside. (You can also take a commuter train to trees pretty easily at that point, and probably can find some hiking groups that primarily use public transit, just watch out for lyme). Hang in there until then, and try to explore some of your interests and see what’s out there. My last suggestion that’s helped me when I’ve moved somewhere new is to ask my existing friends if they have any friends in the new place who would be open to meeting up. If you hit it off and they have already established friend groups, that can also help you meet more people you have stuff in common with.
NYC may not be the right place for you in the end, which is okay, but I don’t think 6 weeks (half of which were holidays, during which people are usually not prioritizing making new connections), is enough time to gauge that.
Ewa
darling, you are still very young and as much as I understand you wanting to have someone , you still have time.
there are doctors , nurses and any other professions working late at night or working shifts and it doesn’t stop them from dating , so this is not an issue here.
Unfortunately dating these days is hard no matter where you live but I guess bigger cities are worse. I think as cliche as it sounds , you need to stop looking , you need to stop being desperate to find someone.
Join the gym, find a hobby , go for walks etc there are people who could only dream to live your life. You need to realise single or not you are blessed. Go out , have fun, enjoy the big city life , the relationship will come when the time is right.mama
Ewa, she says she’s in news and works from home during these night shifts. I think her options are limited in the night shift.
Honestly this isn’t about dating or finding a relationship.
Bigger picture: It is common for college graduates to go through a period of depression in the years following their culmination of instruction. You are getting slapped in the face with real life, and that is not pleasant. And then you’re faced with friends who are on a track that’s must faster than yours (btw: stop using that as a barometer for your life).Raven
OMG, You live in New York City!!
The city that never sleeps…
People dream of living in NYC & there YOU are.You have a job, you have a place to live. You have food on your table.
I guarantee you, that there are Agnostic believers in NYC.
I guarantee you, that there are people in NYC that work wacky hours like yours.
Explore your neighborhood. Meet your neighbors. Make conversations when you’re at the grocery.
Meet up groups are up & running again. What interests you? Do you have any girlfriends close by?
Raise instead of lowering your standards when it comes to guy & dating. My worse dating mistakes came when I was lonely.
Start a gratitude journal/log… Find one thing a day to be grateful for… You are what you eat.
AngieBaby
I’ve had friends who were journalists and had weird hours. They mainly dated people who did shift work. Police officers, firefighters, doctors, nurses, etc. Other journalists. So shift your point of view. Ignore all those who work M-F 9-5 and all the pity. You’re in an exciting city, you’ve got an interesting job, you’re very young and you’ve got the world at your feet. Loads of people would give anything to trade places with you. You’ve got it going on, girl. That’s the attitude to have. Do activities you enjoy and have fun. I’ve found that when I wasn’t looking for a man, good ones just popped up. It’s counterintuitive. The more you see what you lack and focus on that, the more lack of it you get. Relax, love yourself and your life and that’s when great people – boyfriends, friends, work colleagues – show up.
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