Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Feels like a relationship, but no commitment yet
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Emma
I‘m dating a guy for a month now. He is 28 and I‘m 26, we are both single for a bit over a year. The dates are great, we spent the last 3 weekends completely together (and sometimes a day during the week – we live an hour away and he is working, I study). We even went on a 3-day trip. He is caring, texts often when we are not together, loves to cuddle, makes compliments, cooks for me – he is just amazing. He even introduced me to his closest friends, who are very nice people as well, and shared stories with me about our trip on social media. His parents also know that there is „a girl“, who is the reason for his disappearance every weekend. He even showed pictures of me to his parents (I saw it, he showed me his messenger). Plus, when he was driving, he gave me his phone, told me the code in order to put some music. And he got a Tinder notification that I saw.. and he told me he is not using it now, if he would use it he wouldn’t give me his phone, as he wouldn’t want me to see this. He calls me babe (mostly), sometimes sweety.
I am leaving the city for a month now to go back home to my family, and we met on a dating app… and we had this „going exclusive talk“. I am not in the mood to meet others anymore, as I like him enough. But he said that as he was in a relationship for 6 years, he wants to feel more free now, and doesn’t want to put labels yet. This doesn’t mean that at some point we won’t get into a relationship, and he definitely wants to continue seeing me the same way as now when I return. I told him I feel uncomfortable about the thought of him meeting others, and he said I imagine things that don‘t exist. He said „I already like you enough, and even with you I‘m not ready to commit yet, so what do you think would happen with other girls? We might talk 2x and that’s it, unless it‘s Angelina Jolie (he was joking and laughing at the last part). I asked him if he would be okay if I‘d go out with others, and he made a „thinking face“ (like someone who hasn’t thought about this yet), and said „I don‘t know“. When he found out 2 weeks ago that I still have a profile on Tinder (not using it though) he got kind of a jealousy attack, telling me if I start something with someone else, he would like to know. When we said bye, he said he will miss me. So I just don’t know what to think.. is this going into the right direction, I just need to give it more time?
Ewahi Emma,
he said he is not going /ready to commit so he is being honest with you. get rid of that yet word because he is not suddenly going to change his mind in the future. He is getting the notifications because he is using Tinder I am on it too so I know how it works.
He is clearly still exploring his options and you should be doing the same.
So if you want to avoid the heartbreak and you want commitment from him then he is not your man :(tammythe fact that hes using tinder means that hes still out there looking. but then again even you are still on tinder. from his answers, he is not yet sure if he wants to commit to a relation.but then again not many people jump into a relationship after just a month of knowing each other. hes taking his time which makes sense to me actually. you should also not put all your eggs in his basket so early on. continue meeting other people. but not from the intention of making him jealous. just to keep your options open.
your ready to go exclusive but hes not. so give him some time without nagging him or making him feel guilty. you have already had the talk and hes told you what he thinks. if you push it hereafter, you will just come across as clingy and needy. that’s a turnoff. give yourself say 3/4 months time, if you feel things are stagnant and not moving forward, then take a call. for the moment just chill and enjoy your break. if things cool off in this one months time, you would anyways know.
Liz LemonYou’ve only been dating a month. That’s not very long to expect a commitment, honestly. I know everything feels wonderful right now and you’ve been having a great time– but it’s been 1 month. You need to relax and give it more time. You should be glad he was honest with you. He may be willing to commit in a couple of months, you just don’t know at this point.
Most men need to date a woman for several months before they’re willing to formally commit. You should pull back a bit, continue to date him and enjoy getting to know him, but don’t pressure him for commitment. Pressuring him now will just ruin everything. Don’t be so dead set on getting a title that you ruin what sounds like a nice thing.
And you should be swiping and chatting with other guys, I know everything seems wonderful with this guy now, but don’t be so dead set on getting him to commit. If after several months of dating (say 3-4) he still doesn’t want to commit, at that point you should reevaluate the situation and perhaps move on. But not after 1 month.
From the sound of it, he’s spending all his weekends with you anyway, so it’s not like he’s out with other women on weekends, right?
The only other suggestion I’d make is that you should talk about being sexually exclusive, even if you date other people. I did that with my bf. I did not pressure him to call me his girlfriend or commit right away, but we did agree we would not sleep with others. He spent all his time with me anyway, so I didn’t think he was dating other women– I just didn’t make a big deal about it. After a few months he formally asked me to be his girlfriend. Many men just need more time than women.
ZoeAs soon as you hear I am not ready for a relationship, you walk away
EwaI also feel like you wanted him to commit now because you will be away for a month, but this is going to be a test for you. a Month is not a long time if there is an emotional connection between you two but like others said you have to wait and see.
Liz LemonI missed the part where you are going home (out of town) for a month. Tammy is right, you definitely should just chill and enjoy the break. See how things are when you are back in town. It may be that the chemistry is not the same when you come back, honestly.
If you pressure and nag him, that’s not going to get him to commit, so that’s pointless. But if you truly live your life as a happy person– go home, enjoy yourself, see your friends, stay in touch with him in a positive way (not nagging), give him a chance to miss you– just see how things are when you get back. That’s all you can really do. I don’t think expecting him to commit after 1 month, when you’re leaving for another month, is realistic.
LaneYou need to stop expecting an “insta commitment’ just because you spent too much time, IMO, with a guy you don’t really know but also doesn’t know what he wants, or is looking for. This is what’s dating about, deciding WHO you want to have a future with after taking TIME to decide, if they truly are ‘the one’ so to speak. He thought his last GF was, the one but turned out she wasn’t. I’m curious if its because he wouldn’t fully commit to her? Those are thing you need to suss out because you could become ‘her’ if you latch onto, and hook your wagon to a non-committal man.
People can be on ‘good behavior’ for a little bit but eventually they will start letting their guard down, by telling, and showing you, who they really are, or where they are at, as they expose more of themselves to you. This is the time you need to carefully LISTEN, WATCH, OBSERVE, and BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES! You are both in the ‘infatuation stage’ (feels like love but is not) which is the most perilous, and riskiest time of dating because this is the when one, or both, decide they are neither ready, not in love, nor can envision a future with the other.
My younger son (age 29) has gone through this stage more times than I can count! He feels giddy, initially, but in a couple months those feelings fade, and he breaks up with them. He even told me “I’ve never been in love, only infatuated.” He even say’s “they are great ladies but I just can’t see being with them long-term.” This is why you really need to keep your wits about you, not push, not pressure but expect that his feelings will most likely fizzle out when he comes to the realization he’s not ready for anything heady (long-term).
He will most likely be going through a number of these short-term flings, hence why he’s still active, and receiving tinder notifications. He essentially warned you not to get too attached, where if I were you, I would reign in my emotions, and expect a “I’m not ready…” when he tells you he needs more time being single, and tells you good bye. I would heed that warning if I were you.
EmmaHello everyone!
Thank you for all the answers, it‘s really good to hear all these opinions!
To Liz Lemon: yes, we agreed about being sexually exclusive around 2 weeks ago already.Well, my point in this conversation was that we don‘t need to make it official or call it a relationship yet, as (as some of you say as well) 4 weeks are not enough time to get to know each other. It‘s enough to decide „do I like this person?“ and „can I imagine something serious with this person one day?“. But that’s all. I told him I don‘t expect him to introduce me to his family at this point yet, or to call me his girlfriend, but I start to get „enough“ feelings to feel uncomfortable thinking about him and others. And his answer was what you can read in the post.
Sure I wouldn’t like it if he would continue using Tinder, but until he does nothing serious with others, I guess I‘ll be fine waiting a few more months to see what‘s going on then. If in August- September or so he still tells me he is not ready, I‘d walk away probably, and go with someone who is looking for a relationship. The point is I don‘t want to walk away yet as he treats me very well – better than most of my exes, even though we are not officially together, so I‘d feel it’s a pity to finish it now already and not give him the time he needs, or a chance at least.
And what Lane and others said: 3-4 months from now we will see if feelings fade or if things are still going great.
Maddie“You’ve only been dating a month. That’s not very long to expect a commitment, honestly. I know everything feels wonderful right now and you’ve been having a great time– but it’s been 1 month. You need to relax and give it more time. You should be glad he was honest with you. He may be willing to commit in a couple of months, you just don’t know at this point.”
“I also feel like you wanted him to commit now because you will be away for a month, but this is going to be a test for you. a Month is not a long time if there is an emotional connection between you two but like others said you have to wait and see.”
Totally agree with Liz and Ewa on this one. It’s a red flag to pay attention to that he may not be ready for a relationship in general if you are ready for one in general, but it’s not a red flag that he doesn’t want to label things after only a month. Keep getting to know him next you can over the next month or two, even with the time apart, and keep doing what you’re doing but slow down your attachment to him and take some time to observe who he is. I didn’t commit to my boyfriend for 2.5 months even though he immediately stopped talking to anyone when he connected with me. I wasn’t hooking up with anyone (pandemic safety), but I was still going on outdoor dates until I felt I knew him better. I’ve had very bad luck with rushing into things and wanted to take my time a little bit instead. I kept finding that after dates with other guys, I just wanted to come home and talk to him anyway (not about the dates, just enjoyed my time with him a lot more), so it wasn’t taking away from our connection that I didn’t commit immediately. But we were also both ready and looking for the right relationship and commitment, so you need some more time to see if this guy is ready to commit to anyone or not (better than him being on the rebound but lying about it, for sure!). So stay open and get to know him, but protect yourself a little by not falling head over heels until you know he can be serious and show up for you consistently.
ErinWhen a guy says he’s not ready for a relationship, believe him. That means don’t assume exclusivity or work towards it. If you can’t label a relationship then it doesn’t exist.
If you’re both still on Tinder, assume he’s talking to other girls and you should talk to other guys as well.
I know you’re feeling him in a major way and getting ready to lock it down but he’s not there yet.
I’d say pull back a little, you’re investing too much, too soon, treat it as a getting to know him phase. Also keep your options open, don’t shut down other guys.
Have fun and don’t do stuff with and for him with the sole goal of getting a relationship, it’s a turn off.
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