Fiancé doesn’t seem to think she did anything wrong

At the time you weren’t official – so by the rules you’d both set, it doesn’t sound like she did anything wrong. However, it’s easy to see why it would be hurtful – things can be hurtful even if no rules were broken; that’s love for you. I completely understand why it would hurt to find out she’d slept with someone else at the time.

She messaged him for a couple of days after, but as far as you know, those couple of days were winding down and telling him she’s no longer interested.

She could be defensive because she’s hiding something, or she could be defensive because you’re acting jealous and suspicious and because that’s making her feel like se doesn’t have any privacy. I didn’t sleep with any of the men I saw before my boyfriend and I were exclusive, but I wouldn’t want to have to explain every message I’d sent from the minute we met, either. I was messaging guys back on the dating app just to let them know I was going off the site and had found someone – as a courtesy so they didn’t feel that their message to me was ignored. We don’t check each other’s phones though we often message sitting next to each other. I can’t tell you what she may have done, but I can say that to a degree her behaviour wasn’t necessarily a sign of cheating. However, it may still be something that you personally can’t get over.

It sounds like you might need relationship counselling so you can work on trust together. It doesn’t sound like you trust her – did finding out about this guy cause this, or was that a problem before? Because by saying it’s the ‘easy option’ to stay, it sounds like you’re already considering leaving the mother of your child – and your fiancee, because she messaged a guy the minute you were exclusive.

Have you actually talked to her? And explained that her speaking to him after you became exlusive made you feel insecure, and that you want to know when she broke off contact with him. personally, I am not a fan of people being in contact with recent exes – it’s too likely to lead to feelings and complicate things – but the messages may have been platonic – perhaps she was just telling him that she’d met someone. As long as she stopped soon afterwards, I guess that’s what matters.

Because in a marriage, you’re going to have to trust that she can talk to guys without it going anywhere. She has (probably) male friends, male colleagues, male clients etc. You can’t be suspicious every time your love interacts with someone. You can’t want to check her phone all the time. You’ll have to work together to try to get past it, if you can especially with a little one at home.

Unless they agreed to be exclusive from the get go, or are from a culture/religious background where abstinence before marriage is expected, then it’s implied that until you both agree to see nobody else, then that could be happening. But that’s fine because neither of you are invested yet – you’re both free agents ahving fun, at first. At some point, people catch feelings and they want more than that – and that’s great. It’s a natural progression, most of the time. But you can’t then retroactively turn back and say you blame them for never being exclusive from the start – when that wasn’t an agreement you shared.

I admit, perhaps dating wasn’t always that way. But now with internet dating, it’s not possible to meet one person at a time, only. I honestly hoped my BF was having fun way back when we were first dating – the idea of him seeing other women didn’t bother me until I caught the feelings and I didn’t want to see other guys any more and we had the conversation. It turns out he and I both weren’t sleeping with others at the time. I would never have asked him – it’s something I’d probably rather not know in any detail, but I certainly couldn’t blame him if he had.

I’ve seen dating profiles from men saying it’s disgusting for women to even message more than one man, and that they are only interested in women who will only talk to one guy on a dating site at a time. I bet they message more than one woman, though. I cannot believe there are people out there who expect exclusivity before you’ve even met them, let alone before you’ve agreed to be a couple. You don’t own someone just because you’ve dated them a couple of times. Monogamy is an agreement you have to enter willingly with someone.

What are we supposed to do with all our other messages from men? Not even talk to another man in case the guy we’ve exchanged 2 messages with might want to be in a relationship with us 2 months later? To me it looks like wanting to have your cake and eat it.

I think the issue here now is that she is still communicating with this person.

It seems to me you’re totally justified in having an open discussion about it, you want it to come from a place that is observatory in nature not accusatory otherwise I think people’s natural inclination is to become defensive.