Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Fiance Language upsets me
- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 11 months, 1 week ago by
Peggy.
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neena
Hi,
When my fiance and I first started dating I mentioned to him my discomfort at men cursing. My dad wasn’t perfect, but he didn’t curse around me. I said this to him because I noticed he would refer to women as bitches usually when we were on the road. He’d say “move bitch,” Or he’d look at a random woman and call her a whore. So I spoke up and said I don’t like that. He seemed shocked and said he’d try to not do it. He succeeded a few weeks. Then one day I cursed at a female driver. She almost got us killed and I called her a bitch. Since then he would bring it up noting how I can say bitch but he can’t. I told him I’m a woman. Honestly I wasn’t prepared for that question. But it annoyed me, BAD. It’s been a year since then and yesterday he called someone a bitch. It’s the first time in a year. And I said, AGAIN, stop doing that. I’m nice about it always, but stern. He said I should lead by example. I let it go because everything else is fine with him. Really. I can’t reconcile this behavior because the rest of his behavior is amazing. And I’m the one who has been doubting his loyalty, and questioning him and later apologizing because he proved me wrong…So, according to everyone I’m the problem. But this time I really do not like this behavior. Is this a “me” problem?Raven
Sorry @neena, your fiancé is a misogynist.
Driving down the road calling women bitches & whores for no good reason is very different than almost being killed…
Ewa
I let it go because everything else is fine with him… What do you think he calls you behind your back?
Peggy
Yeah, I would get out of this relationship and certainly not get married. I am newly “escaped” from a similar situation.
A man who speaks like this regularly ( your near Accident WAS different) about women is not a good bet for a relationship. He will ultimately turn this way of speaking and thinking onto you if he perceives you have slighted him or you try to stand up for yourself. He is using your accident story and your reaction ( understandable and normal in that context ) against you to justify his own bad behavior.
The guy I lived with became worse and worse this way. He would call women the C word (horrible) and would even critique women on tv calling them names like you mentioned above.
When I would explain how wrong and upsetting his words and attitude were, he would promise to stop, but never could manage it. As time went on and I called him on this stuff, he would not promise to stop. Instead he would double down on it and claim his view was fine and not to be questioned.
In the end I knew I had to leave for my own health and self esteem. He was in poor health and would not have been able to physically harm me ( though emotional and mental abuse is just as bad) but you will be in danger of that too in time I think. Violent words can become violent acts. But they are harmful also on their own.
Stop making excuses for him. Once you step back you will likely see other things he says or does that are not good. The issue in a relationship like this, is it creeps in slowly and you are shocked but start to get used to it and it gets normalized in your mind.
Don’t let this happen to you. You are a year or so in, I was nearly 7. Do not waste your time and damage yourself by allowing disrespect and poor treatment. You deserve a good person who truly loves and cares about you. I concluded after getting away that he never really loved me. He said he did, but no loving person would treat someone they cared for in that manner. -
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