First Christmas with boyfriend

The first several months of a relationship are always a honeymoon period. You’re at the point where you’re really getting to know each other after that and assessing compatibility. It sounds like you’re more of a planner and want a partner who is equally conscientious (nothing wrong with that). It also sounds like your love languages may not be aligned because gifts is a more important one for you than him (again, also nothing wrong with that), and he may have different ways of expressing his affection. But what matters here is that you talk to him when things are bothering you yet you’re at an impasse because he’s still doing his thing after hearing you out. So I’d take note of all this as potential day to day lifestyle incompatibility.

I also dated someone with the same age gap in my early 30s, and for the first seven months or so we seemed to be on the same schedule progressing the relationship and wanting the same things, but then we hit a wall. He really just wanted a girlfriend and wasn’t ready to get more serious with anyone, but he didn’t know that about himself until we got there. He also didn’t know how to tell me and just started picking fights instead so that we wouldn’t take next steps. The age gap can work if you’re both at the same life stage (in our case, we weren’t), but it sounds like you’re at the point with him where you need to evaluate if you are and want the same things moving forward, and if you do then are you truly compatible and can you effectively talk through and mutual problem solve the recent issues, or not? Love languages is an easy topic to discuss because there’s books and quizzes on it, so that may help the gift conversation, but the other stuff I’m pointing out isn’t quite so easy to figure out.

I’m not suggesting you start talking about getting more serious btw unless that’s where you feel you’re at, but just having a conversation about what you both want out of a relationship and potential timelines. If you’re 35 and want marriage and kids, and he’s not on track for settling down in the next 5 years, then you have your answer. Selfishness may be a sign that he’s not ready for the same relationship you are, if you’re looking for things to progress.

I agree with Maddie’s point about the gifts and love languages. He may not see gift giving and the holidays as being important. This is something that you could theoretically learn to live with IF he were thoughtful, considerate, and giving in other ways.

However I think it was very rude and inconsiderate to bail on you and your family with 1 hour’s notice for Christmas Eve. The lateness and “general non thoughtfulness” you mention is a bad sign. You say he needs “a lot of alone time” and you’ve argued about it– I don’t know what you mean by “a lot of alone time”, or if his need is truly excessive. But it sounds like the two of you are simply not compatible.

I completely agree with the comments about the honeymoon period ending. You’re seeing the real him now. If you find that you’re unhappy with his behavior, and you keep having to address it, and it doesn’t change– things aren’t going to get better.

My partner is a horrible gift-giver but our relationship foundation is great and gifts aren’t important to us so it works for us. [That being said, hindsight told me it was the beginning of the end when my ex gave me a vacuum for xmas one year. We divorced a year later.]

I think your guy is trying to do the bare minimum to keep you around. You might want to think about whether or not it’s worth clarifying your needs again — I don’t think it will help though. You’ve already talked about it with him and he’s not changing. He’s even cancelling your family plans at the last minute. That would be a huge sign to me that he’s not interested in getting more serious.

Cancellin at the last minute and that too with your parents and during a festive get-together? Seems off. I agree with angie. Things dont luk gud.