First he ghosts me, then wishes me! What to do?

You had 1 date…

Is there any way you can see if it were a group message?

Even if it weren’t, I think he sent it more automatically that with intent.

Leave him alone.

The thing about people in general, not just men, is that there is something *missing* that you can’t always explain, or put your finger on, its just there. They can be the coolest person but there’s something missing, which I call the *it factor* that they need to possess on order to be given the green light and continue dating them. For example, think of a date where you knew, within 10 minutes, that you didn’t want to go on another date with him. It often has absolutely nothing to with them, personally, its just that they don’t possess that special something (it factor) that compels you to keep wanting to date them. Same concept.

He was *physically attracted* (a must), and liked you on a personal level or he wouldn’t have asked you out but during the date, so it has absolutely nothing do with your self worth! He just didn’t experience the same kind of spark that you did, whereas your date was most likely no different than other dates he’s gone on where he didn’t get those feelings that man needs to keep seeing a lady. He will eventually go on a date that makes him FEEL the opposite of the other dates he’s gone on, where he can’t stop thinking about her, feels compelled to keep seeing her, and only then will he do so because she naturally possesses something that other ladies he’s met thus far haven’t.

In the future don’t get excited so easily because you experienced a chemically driven bout of infatuation that the man may, in many cases, not feel on the date. Try to keep your expectations super low in that most dates aren’t going to mount to anything substantial. Sometimes they happen right away but sometimes you have to kiss a 100 frogs before you find him. Dating is a crap shoot, a gamble, and so you need to keep your initial bets really low until you have a lot of hands (dates) to make a bigger wager with, such as your heart.

Really need to stop being so hard on yourself. Its called “dating” because you don’t know how someone will feel until after the date and they have time to reflect on it. If they aren’t “feeling it”, then ending it is the best and right thing for a man to do as you don’t want to waste your precious time and energy on a timewaster (man going nowhere). He did you a huge favor by freeing you up to date other men so you can meet the one who’s looking for the wonderful natural qualities you possess—that’s the best pathway to a happy and long lasting relationship :o)

Girls thank you all for you responses! Fact is I was (am) indeed infatuated by him. I wasn’t exaggerating when I said that this sole date was close to perfection from both parts. That’s why I was so disappointed with the outcome. I mean if the *it* factor as Lana suggested was missing, then why did he act like prince charming? I was describing the date to my friends and they concluded that he must be bipolar or something. To me he just possesses the traits of an avoidant partner. I’m a 100% certain that he enjoyed our time but was perhaps afraid for any commitment. I, too, recognize that I appear needy, but trust me I hadn’t shown him that side. I was acting cool, and I think that asking him for some feedback wasn’t that bad. Anyway, I am trying to acquire a positive and growth mindset so I don’t think I’ll send the message after all. I’m off dealing with toxic people, or least, people who cannot man up and be clear.

Honey, you need to get your head on straight. You had one date. You had one date. You should not be dating if this is the level of attachment and over investment in a stranger. This man is not bipolar, or avoidant or toxic, he just didn’t like you enough to continue. He also did not vanish as after one date, he does not need to break up with you. He wished you a happy Easter with no other thought in mind.

You know nothing about this man and he owes you nothing. He was charming because he was enjoying your time together in the moment. You should too. It means nothing more than the moment. And you cannot say he is avoidant or not, as you are not a therapist and it was one date. One date and not calling does not make you avoidant. However, your level of over investment does make you anxious attached.

It is beyond needy to ask someone who is already exiting for feedback, men don’t like hard convos with women they are committed to, why would he say something that might hurt your feelings?

I do not think you should date and you should find a counselor to work towards less insecure attachment.

“Ask for feedback…” this wasn’t a job interview. Whatever you say would come off as “why don’t you like me?” which is about the most awkward question ever. I’ve had guys ask me that and it puts me off them even further. And I didn’t answer truthfully because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. Except for once when he demanded the truth and I told him and he absolutely lost his rag.

It’s pretty black and white. The guy liked you enough to ask you out again or he didn’t. If he didn’t it’s no big deal. I don’t know why women get so hung up after one date.

We’ve all had absolutely perfect first dates who we’ve never heard from again. Out of your control. You just have to MOA.

hey I think you are making this such a big deal. its not really. you went out and had a great first date. but he dint take this beyond the first date. its not that he dint like you or anything of that sort. he just dint feel what you did. because of how you felt you tried to take this ahead with him but he dint feel the same and therefore let you down in a way that he thought was best. to discourage you he stopped interacting with you. let it go. whether you text him on his birthday is not important but your expectations after sending that text is the issue here. the thing is it appears that he doesn’t seem to be interested in taking things any further with you. but do wish him if you feel you must but think of it as just a casual bday wish to an acquaintance. most likely it wont go beyond some pleasant and polite pleasantries with him. take that as a firm no from his side and just put him out of your mind. if you cant than best is to delete his number and remove him from your social media accounts.

Yes, we are telling you all these things because:

A. Had you not reached out after the first date, all the rest of it would not have happened. After one date, a man does not need to break up with you. Not contact you. Sorry you don’t like it. You could have let him contact you.

B. You reached out, there-bye never knowing his true intent. And his ongoing flakey weird behavior. While he should have not encouraged you, but hey, it happens. Disappointing, but not earth shattering. You could have taken the delay as a not great sign and decided you were not interested in his half assed behavior.

C. He texted you on Easter. Had he wanted to keep the convo going, he would have. When you heard from him you could have just said, yikes…. this guy is all over the place, yuck.

D. You are accepting, neigh… encouraging half interested behavior instead of taking it as a cue that you should stop and just let men lead. You are hoping to make him more interested than the not very interested, but maybe bored he already is.

E. You are still writing about a less than impressive man and upset at us instead of looking at why you are so needy.

F. When you date, you need to give 0 fu&ks about him until he is your boyfriend. You give a million fuc&s about a man you are chasing.

G. You are asking another person to validate you after he semi rejected you. Only you and people who actually care should validate it.

H. How you handle breakups is so that you love you and are ok with your own behavior. No one else owes you that and calling attention to it with someone not invested is a waste of time and a form of self abandonment and control. They already showed you what they think is ok behavior.

But hey, keep leading, keep over investing, keep making someone else the keeper of your value, keep accepting and chasing half interested men if it works for you.

Btw, his behavior is not great. But instead of you saying, gross, not interested, you are upset at us when we tell you this man is acting ridiculous… stop matching his ridiculous and focus on healing yourself. You cryed, yes cryed when a man did not ask you out a second time and questioned your value. That should be enough to consider therapy.

He can be poorly behaved and you can be overly needy at the same time. You think they are related but he is him and his behavior and you are you are your behavior which is all you can control is you. You are responsible for you.

I doubt this is the only situation of this in your life.

i am not judging you, I am explaining what is in your control and what is not.

I am happy you are taking self time. You should consider that you are not a slave to your feelings, You choose your response. I believe that you do indeed suffer from anxious attachment – anything more than a passive ‘that is disappointing’ is usually sign of that. Please read Up on it.

You do you, but men like to lead. I do not think your approach is effective, and fair is honestly irrelevant here. It is not patriarchal, it just means you mirror his level of interest with warmth appreciation and responsiveness – and watch his words and actions. You take mixed messages as mixed feelings and do nothing to change them. You at most step have led that interest other than the first date. You contacted him, you suggested a second date, you wish him a happy birthday. That is not standing in your value or abundance. It is chasing. If you have a history with men not being interested, you may want to consider what I am saying and your I doubt if you got this worked up over this one date, it has happened before and is a pattern. Is it?

His agreeing does not mean he thought his behavior was bad, it could have been him trying to exit that part of the convo with someone he does not know. He did not owe you an apology, he did nothing wrong. His behavior was not bad. You keep saying it does not make it so. He was agreeing that he should have been more clear in his lack of interest, but he was in that you did most of the work and then he delayed getting back to you.

Asking for feedback – you give yourself feedback and validation, and I won’t bother you any longer… that is manipulative and pulling. They both scream… I met you once and I am not ok unless you give me reassurance.

Anyhow, wishing you good luck in finding yourself and I hope that you only accept very interested men into your life.

One of your reactions was about that many here think its ok he does this or that. This is not about him but about you: how you can lower expectations to a certain normal level, dont cry after he lost interest after one date etc. You have to be way more guarded Inc the first few dates. Guys are charming but feel very differently from women. Best way to illustrate this is to Google seven steps a guy falls in love and there you have your reason to keep your guard up (expectation wise i mean, i dont mean defensive). After a while your infatuation will drop and you will see it was totally ridiculous to feel that much for a guy you had one date with. No one wants to put you down, but all want you to be take care of you.