For those who need help with NC and letting go.

Harley, he texted ‘hey, babe. What are you doing? I do have two more exams on Monday and I’m done.” I didn’t reply at first then after some hours, just texted ‘hey” he insisted on asking about how I am and what was I about to do yesterday. I just said about to go out with friends and I didn’t text anymore. He continued to text but I didn’t reply. That’s all.

Yes, we are best friends, at least we use to be , we grew up together. Of course, I’ll keep my distance, no emotions, no feelings involved. He didn’t say he wants me back cause we were not broken up yet. I didn’t say him it’s over. I’m just not investing in this anymore, no emotions nothing. Yea, it sucks cause we could have been awesome together. And yea, maybe he will never break up with her cause he is weak to end things, either with me or with her but he likes to wait for something to work out instead even though he says it’s me he wanna be with.

Yea, I know. That’s what I’m trying to do, to not invest in this any longer. It’s not that easy since I’m in love but there’s no other way. He, too, knows I do not accept this role.

Thanks friend. I just feel weak sometimes, don’t know how to act, don’t feel like telling him it’s over yet. All I can do right now it’s to be cold and distant to him till I reach the point to let go.

just stop talking to him.

Nc is difficult. Ive tried everything from working out picking up hobbies etc. But theres always away that it gets into y mind and then Bam! There r the feelings again and saddness. It really sucksssss i just wish i could ask him what was wrong with me cuz i know the whole “not ready for a relationship” thing is bull crap.

Sorry. My name is Imena by the way, not Imenamenak…. Phone is going crazy.

Jeanine and Imena…keep up the good work. stay NC…keep busy and distracted. Both guys will continue ye to contact and e- tether you as long as you entertain them. They will use you and bleed you dry of emotions. take up more hobbies and don’t reply to them. It gets a bit easier after a few weeks.

Thank you Harley. You girls seem like you are keeping it together! I am gonna focus on me for a change. I’m glad I found you ladies! I’m still lost but I got a clue it’s gonna get better. The only thing I can do is keep busy and not think of him. I read all your ladies post and that helps me out so much. I hope all of us get over him and move on and forward. I’m gonna shoot for summer to start dating again.

I know Harley, just knowing him over 30 plus years and he has to lie. Just sick of the lies. I treated him way to good but all that’s in the past. Just I will remember all the red flags. If a grown man ever tells me he don’t know I’m walking away. Just gonna be hard not talking to him about everything that’s going on. We use to talk about our problems. We was an ear for each other. It’s all gone but one thing I learned is not to open up to soon and say to much. Thanks again.

Hey guys! My first post, but reading your stories has helped put some perspective and I’m sorting my feelings out and trying to get over my own situation. Here is my novel:

I am 21 and I dated this guy three years older. Our situations a little bit more complicated – we went to college together as teammates, we never hooked up but we were friends and I had the biggest crush on him, but he had a serious girlfriend for the 2 years I went to school with him, who broke up with him because she wanted to see other guys and broke his heart basically. He was single for two years, had one girlfriend but it must have been very short-lived. I bumped into him a few times in those two years, we always hit it off but he never made a move and I just thought he looked at me like a little kid and didn’t see me that way.

Flash forward to September this year, I graduated from school, moved to the city, and texted my friend asking if she knew anybody who could help me with my furniture, which she told me that this guy just moved in. I contacted him, we hit it off, he wanted to meet up that night with my friends. He came, we went back together but we didn’t have sex right away, but we established that we’ve actually both had crushes on each other and he just never knew how I felt. So he started taking me on a date (involving us going out for dinner and him paying) or two at least every week and we started having sex (we saw each other maybe 2-3 times a week?), he’d invite me to hang out with his roommates and his friends, I felt like I was being introduced to his circle, I went out with him and his sister, everything was peachy and great. I always slept over when we had sex or vice versa (though mostly it was him inviting me to his place), we got breakfast the next day or if he had to work the next morning/golf, then he still drove me back or told me to sleep in. I honestly couldn’t complain about things. I told him a few times I liked him and he told me he liked me too and I told him I wasn’t seeing anyone else and asked if he was and he said he hasn’t been.

Then he started fading, growing a little more distant. I figured out that he has this kind of annoying habit of suggesting plans (like him being the one to bring them up first) and then I think we have plans a few days later and he forgot he suggested them in the first place and I end up waiting and figuring out he has no intention of seeing/hanging out with me and having to scramble to make plans at least minute. He did it like once in our ‘honeymoon’ dating period and it annoyed me, but I let it go. But he did it big time, this time I brought up the plans like the week of and we talked about it during the week like it was going to happen, then I asked about it the day of and I was nowhere in that picture. So, I had every right to be annoyed but I didn’t want to call him out and thought he might redeem himself and call or text me the next morning and ask how my night was. But he didn’t. And a week passed and he never texted. And then finally I couldn’t take it and texted him and was like “hey sorry but did i do something wrong?” or something along those lines. To which he clearly had no clue I was annoyed that he ditched me or annoyed that he hadn’t bothered to talk to me all week and just said, “Huh? Sorry my phone’s been dead since yesterday” (um yesterday, is not last week). So I kind of brushed it off, didn’t ask to make plans hoping he would, which he didn’t. Finally caved the next night, which was a Saturday, because I was leaving for a business trip for two weeks and wanted to see him and maybe figure things out for my sake before I go. So finally I texted him and was like “Hey are you free tonight or tomorrow, would love to see you before I go” and he had a family thing that night but agreed to get brunch with me the next morning. We got brunch, everything was great, but then I asked if we could talk really quick. So we slipped in his apartment, and I told him that I really liked him, but I realized that I’ve been turning down dates and meeting up with other people because I just like dating him but I didn’t know how he felt and if he wanted to do the same. So he basically said that he hasn’t been seeing anyone, isn’t currently seeing anyone, isn’t looking to see other people, but he doesn’t know about a ‘long-term commitment.’ Obviously this turned into a relationship talk, even though I didn’t intend for it to be, I told him I didn’t need labels or anything but pointed out that he hadn’t spoken to me for a week, so I wasn’t sure if he was still interested, but he said he was just busy and didn’t think much of it. He said he’s still interested and not the type of guy who would just stop talking to me and disappear, that he would end it and let me know. He said he likes me and genuinely likes to hang out with me, but he doesn’t know if he wants a commitment, which doesn’t mean he wants to see/hook up with other people and he doesn’t do that if he sees one person. However, he said that he doesn’t know if he can give me the time and attention I would need as a girlfriend and pointed out that we were friends before this and he doesn’t want to lose my friendship by rushing into something and having it end badly because he couldn’t give it the time/attention it needs. I was foolish and said, “Ok,” and when I left, we basically left it at that we’ll keep doing what we’re doing, at least let each other know if we want to see/hook up with other people, and “see where it goes.”

So I leave for my business trip, he texts me once asking how it is but I was stupid and consciously chose not to answer, partly because he ignored me for a week and partly because I was terrified that I scared him off with the talk and thought that NC would give him space and give him a chance to miss me. I broke it and answered on the last day of my trip, saying that I was so busy and having so much fun but can’t wait to come back. He didn’t really make any plans or effort to see me, although he asked me what I was up to on Saturday night after I initiated texting him and told me he was drinking with his guy friends and he’d “let me know if we end up going out and its not just a bunch of guys sitting around drinking,” which I guess he did when he texted me at 11 and said that he was going to stay over his friend’s house and not come back. So didn’t text me at all the next day. I finally caved a day later and texted him, saying, “Come over tonight,” thinking I would confront him on his wishy-washiness. Weirdly, he was like “Okay that sounds great” and suggested all these plans of cooking something together. He offered to bring over a bottle of wine, bought take-out, asked me all about my trip, remembered my sister was in town for the holidays, suggested that I come out with him and his sister that weekend. I decided to just go with it, not say anything, and he slept over again. We talked once in the the next few days, finally that weekend rolled around when he suggested we go out with his sister, and I asked him if they were going out and my sister and I were looking for a place to drink and have fun and he said they probably were and he’d “let me know.” Of course, a few hours later, at 8, he didn’t let me know and I texted him asking what the deal was and if he wanted to come over and drink first. He said he couldn’t because he was getting drinks with one of his guy friends. I played stupid and said something like, “Oops I’m sorry I thought you were going out with your sister?” and he said “we were but shes at dinner, I don’t know what her plans are yet,” whatever. So I wait till 11, obviously he’s not going to text me that late to meet up, and I’m upset, partly because of him, partly because of the awful night I had, and partly because my family found out about our grandmother’s impending death. So very passive aggressively, I text him saying “Went out for the night, let me know if you want to have sex later.” I didn’t actually go out, stayed in my room all annoyed and upset, took a nap and woke up at 2 and was even more annoyed or upset that he didn’t respond. Thinking that if he ignored that text, he wouldn’t answer my call, I decided to leave a voicemail asking him to talk later that day or that I didn’t want to do ‘this’ anymore, but he answered, I chickened out, he was normal and told me he was probably staying at his friend’s.

In my terrible state of mind, I woke up early that morning, not able to fall asleep, and texted him. I told him that I was sorry about the weird phone call last night, but I was drunk and upset because I found out about my grandma, but I called intending to tell him that I didn’t want to hook up anymore and I thought we should stop seeing each other anymore. He texted me back and said “So sorry about your grandma, I understand, let me know if you need to talk.” Immediately felt regret. I handled that wrong, learned my lesson that these things need to be said in person, which is hard when you feel like the other person isn’t giving you the opportunity to do so. I apologized for my rudeness in how I handled everything.

I asked him the next day if we could talk and if I could call him that night, to which he seemed okay with and said “yeah, of course.” I apologized for that night, told him how badly I felt about how I handled it and I didn’t necessarily mean I didn’t want to see him at all anymore. I told him exactly how I felt – I told him I felt like he had grown distant, that he only really made time for me when it was convenient for him, that I felt like I was turning into just a hook-up buddy which I wasn’t okay with, but at the same time he was sending mixed signals. I told him to be blunt and straightforward with me and asked him if he was still interested, that I just needed to know so I could stop feeling stupid actively pursuing him. He told me he was – but he said it was clear that I was getting hurt when we were having sex and he wasn’t ready for any commitment yet (true), and suggested we take the sex out of it. He was confusing, and I should’ve asked what he meant by it. Did he mean be platonic friends or still see each other and be all lovey-dovey but not have sex? He said he wasn’t sure what he wanted or what his feelings were and didn’t want to confuse me, hurt me, or lead me on by hooking up with me and we could “see where things go.” I reassured him I didn’t want to put labels and I wasn’t trying to ask for more time or commitment from him, but I am not sure how to respond when he goes a week without texting me or trying to make any effort to see me. He told me that he didn’t really believe that and even though I say I don’t want labels, he feels like I’m trying to get more commitment out of him. This went on for a while, I also told him that I didn’t like that he made plans and flaked on me, that I don’t have a problem with him wanting to do things with his other friends, he shouldn’t feel obligated to tell me that he wants to hang out with me because he thinks that’s what I want to hear, but I just wish he wouldn’t suggest it in the first place so I could make plans with other people. He apologized for it and said he didn’t realize he did it and he wouldn’t do it anymore. I asked him very bluntly if he could at least tell me if he had any sort of feelings for me or liked me as “more than a friend,” and he skirted the question, saying that he doesn’t know and he equates “more than a friend” with a girlfriend, which he doesn’t know if he wants. (Bullshit answer, you can have feelings for a girl and still not want commitment). He assured me that he’s not a douchebag and wouldn’t just disappear on me and stop talking to me if he wanted to not see me anymore, that he definitely would want to come out on my birthday the week after and he said “and i promise we’ll hang out at least once before then,” and he had to get off the phone to do things but he said that “Rome wasn’t built in a day, we don’t need to fix everything in this phone call,” and left me with this feeling that he wanted to work things out and he was genuine. But its been a week and I haven’t heard from him again.

I am hurt because I don’t know if everything he said was absolute crap and that he just doesn’t want to see me again at all, which is a shame because we were teammates and I always had respect for him and him for me and I liked just being his friend. I can’t tell if he’s entirely apathetic towards me, like he doesn’t care if I never talk to him again and just never really was into me, or if he does care about me and is just scared. He says that he doesn’t want to lead me on, but he is if he really doesn’t want to see me in any romantic sense and can’t just say it, and then says things like “let’s see where this goes” and “I don’t want to rule this out completely.” I felt like we hit it off so well and I felt a spark for him and it’s hard when you don’t hate him and I don’t think he treated me badly at all and I still like him as a person. But my theory is that he did like me and he does like me, but he’s running away from this because he’s scared of any sort of commitment that involves any obligation to talk/hang out with me and has deep-seated commitment issues and doesn’t want to feel tied down in any way – however, he also doesn’t want to commit to being uncommitted (if that makes any sense?). He doesn’t know if he wants a relationship with me, but he doesn’t want to rule out the possibility of it ever happening because he doesn’t want to kick himself in the pants by blowing out. Obviously, not fair to me and even though I agreed to not see other people or at least tell him, I did meet up with a guy for drinks and probably will see other people, not even because I really want to see other people, but because I need to detatch myself and get him off my mind.

It’s just hard because I would’ve been fine if things stayed the way they were. I didn’t need a girlfriend label, and I didn’t need much more time or attention than he was originally giving me. I told him that I didn’t start seeing him with the intention of getting into a relationship and that I’ve been more of a casual dater in the past, but I saw that things were going well and I liked him. But either way, I’m having a hard time moving past him and getting over him. I can’t tell if he’s not initiating contact because he’s trying to figure things out in his head and I should respect his space and give him time (and obviously do as I please in the meantime), or if he really just doesn’t care about me at all. Is “the space” real, after a few months of dating, where a guy realizes that things are getting serious and distances himself and takes a step back to figure out if he wants to dive in or not? I know this was a crapload to read, but can someone help?

Molly,

You are putting way too much effort and thinking in this.. You wrote all this confusing clatter inside your head and it was overwhelming to read.. I can only imagine how you feel or what this guy might have felt.. Even if you came across to him like you were cool, I’m betting money he could pick up on your “freaking out vibes”.. And in turn freaked him out..

First you can say you don’t do labels and was fine with it being how it was… but that is not what your actions have said..

!. You have liked this guy from day one. You said you have always had a crush on him.. That points to you wanting to be serious or at least gave it the thought.
2. Many times you have gotten upset/hurt/angry that he wasn’t putting in enough time/effort..
3. Several times you asked him where it was going.

This guy hasn’t been giving you mixed messages. He has made it pretty clear that he likes hanging out with you and hooking up… but he does not want a relationship. When a man says this.. He MEANS IT. And the reason that men don’t come out and tell you straight to your face is because they don’t want to hurt a woman’s feelings… It’s not the best thing to do but it’s what they do..

You have been the one giving him mixed messages. With all your confusing behavior. By telling him you don’t want a label and you’re ok with hanging out/hooking up/being friends. Then you turn around and get hurt/angry at him for not treating you like a girlfriend? That is not how it works. You have gave him the green light to treat you like this from the first talk you had with him, before you went on your trip. When he told you he didn’t want to commit… you knew better to get out then..

It’s ok to admit that you want a relationship. It’s even more important to admit this from the very beginning with someone… You want to be with him. There is nothing wrong with that. Wanting to be in a committed relationship is the first step to getting there, the second step is admitting this to the other person..

In your case. He does not want the same thing. So now it’s time for you to walk away. Give it space and then maybe one day you can be friends. This guy doesn’t want a relationship. He has been clear about this. His friends and having guy time is where his priorities are at this point in his life. You will have to accept that.. You can tell yourself all day long that you don’t need a label. But be honest… You do.. and continuing to put yourself in this turmoil isn’t worth it.. You know this deep down.. Your actions have shown time and time again that you can’t be second to his other priorities in his life.. So look for someone where you can be first..

It’s hard to walk away when you want something/someone but when you don’t want the same things.. Then it never would have worked anyways.

Good Imena….don’t listen to any bullshit he may feed you. I hope he tells you the truth. my German did.. It hurt….but I k we to move on. This morning was the first morning I started to feel at peace with it…I still think of him but I can accept it’s over. neither guy was good enough for us. We’ll be fine in time . I love you ! Chin up. onto better things for both of us !