For those who need help with NC and letting go.

7 weeks before I stopped crying and started picking up the pieces. about 5 to 6 mths before I started letting go. bloody awful ! everyone is different though.

Yup. ..I expected better of my friend too. but….He saw me as a conquest…The girl he never got to sleep with 23 yrs ago.. that’s all I was.

Molly,
It’s ok for you to be mad at him, because it hurts.. But it’s also ok for him to not want a relationship. I don’t think he was stringing you along.. After all you have told him several times you’re ok with how things are.. Where the problem comes in, is that you really are not ok with how things are and he isn’t ok with being committed..

I feel as though your looking for a relationship to fill this empty void in yourself.. and that never works.. You have to be happy and healthy before you can be in any kind of relationship.. The first and best relationship you have, has to start with yourself.. This isn’t only for your own happiness, this for any hope of having a healthy relationship with someone else.. If you don’t stop and work on yourself, getting to a happy place and realizing that you don’t need someone else to make your life fulfilling, then every relationship you try to have will fail.

I also think you need to work on your boundaries. Since you said your new to the serious relationship thing. The best thing is for you to is have some boundaries. As an example-

State from the beginning to a person that your looking for the real thing. If they are not, then accept that you want different things and move along to the next.
Don’t pretend to be ok with casually hooking up when you know you want something more.. That’s a sure fire way to get yourself hurt.

Just read around on the articles on this site and other sites.. Look into what it takes to be in a serious relationship and start there.. I really believe you need to get yourself better equipped for relationships before you try being in one..

I’ve been following this thread and I thought I would chip in with my story as well.. My thread is “Cold-indifferent-sweet”… The short version… We dated for 3 months.. I was impulsive and broke up with him.. I realized I wasn’t ready for it to be over.. I apologized and tried to work things out.. He will not give up on his hurt and insecurities for us to be together.. He would go back and forth from being cold to sweet.. He finally asked if we could be friends until he is more comfortable investing more emotions. I refused his offer. All of this happened within about 3 weeks of our breakup.

Something happened a week after this. One night he got very angry/hurt/jealous at me because of a guy friend that I have… So I listened to him say hurtful things to me for about 3 days. Then the last straw for me was when he messaged me telling me what my guy friend did that night.. He wanted me to know in case I wanted to “get with my guy friend”.. Very childish. So I told him not to talk to me until he calms down about this. We continued to message things back in forth.. When I got home that night, I told him it’s best we don’t talk anymore.. If he doesn’t want to work it out with me, then he needs to let me heal.. At least for like a month then maybe one day we can be friends..

He then wrote me many pages worth of stuff. Telling me he loves me, and that he is sorry he was cold, and shut down and shut me out.. He’s sorry he wasn’t more tender and supportive when I needed him most. And that he’s sorry he tried to place more blame on me, in a childish attempt to hurt me. Instead of looking at his own shortcomings. And that he hopes I find a man 10 times better than him. That treats me with uptmost respect……blah blah…

So here I am trying to move on…. and stalking his FB….. I have to see him post things like the one he posted yesterday…. “The first person you think about when you wake up in the morning and the last person you think about when you go to bed. Is the reason for your happiness or the cause of your pain” Someone commented on it, and he said, “Yeah… true but mine is the pain part :(”

It makes me so frustrated because if he loves me, and we had a good relationship, with only two spats between us, and he is hurting……. why the hell can’t he work it out with me? It doesn’t make sense…

So here I am.. sitting on that..

Mandy…hugs ! Try not to do the fb stalk. I’m really great at not doing it this days….managed to train my brain!

Harley,

I know!! Damn it I am so guilty of it…. why do we do it?? Sometimes I good about not doing it… but I only go for about 3 days then I’m doing it again…. it’s also not easy when he is still liking my stuff that I post..

@Mandy I am so sorry to hear about your guy problems, I can’t imagine how you feel right now and social media is definitely hard because its so available. However, I got to say that a guy who would post a status like that on Facebook is like an immature 16-year old girl and doesn’t sound appealing in one bit, and absolutely embarrassing on his part.

I appreciate your advice, and yes, I agree that I made the mistake of denying that I want something more, but I think he is leading me on now because he’s not being straightforward with me in telling me what he wants and he’s saying “let’s see where it goes” or “I don’t want to rule this out completely.” I think it would be easy just to say, “Let’s be friends,” and that sent message across, but that is not what he said. He told me he doesn’t know about his feelings for me completely and wants to stop having sex so it stops complicating things and we can get to know each other better. I think he was genuine and saying that, but he’s implying that he’s not entirely closed off to the idea of a relationship, he said he “didn’t want to rule it out.” If he knew that this was definitely something he didn’t want, it was very easy to say, “I don’t want a relationship, with you, or with anyone.” Maybe I’m looking too much into it, but I think that he’s buying himself more time by saying, “I don’t know,” even though I realize the possibility that he’d come around and want to commit isn’t likely.

I was pretty negative and down on myself when I wrote those posts and I’m feeling better talking to you guys, so thank you! And I’ve been writing about it, letters of everything I want to say to him but I obviously won’t. It’s helping me sort out my feelings and I am coming to terms that yes, at some point in my life, I want a relationship, hooking up is just not fullfilling anymore. I don’t think he’s necessarily done with me, I think he’s going to contact me at some point sooner or later, and when he does, I’m going to be nice and friendly and receptive and gauge him out by what he meant by those words. And if he’s trying to be more touchy than normal or is confusing in how he acts, then I’m going to call him out and be like, “Whoa, I’m sorry but I’m a little confused by what you’re doing right now, your last talk gave me a different impression and I don’t know what you want. Can we talk about this?” And I’m going to say everything I told you guys. That he was right and I was stupid to deny it, I want something ‘serious’ (not a relationship, but I need to be with someone who’s at least open to heading towards it) and if he can’t at least commit to that, then I need to walk away. That he can take all the time he wants to ‘figure it out’ but I’m not going to wait around until the magical day he does so if he decides that he wants that, he should know that I’m going to start seeing other people, so when he decides its right for him, it might not be me.

I just want to tell him so bad that I’m sorry for all the bullshit, I didn’t handle it right and its new to me. But to me, I think if this thing is done then nothing I do is going to change it and it can’t get any worse really, so I might as well say what I want to say. I’ll tell him that I thought we hit it off and it’s a shame to let it go, but I can’t change his view on relationships/committment; but I want to tell him that all that bullshit he gave me about worrying about time/attention/needs (which I think is basically his way of saying that he didn’t want his time/attention taken away), that I never intended to intrude on his freedom or his life in any manner. That one of the reasons that I like about him so much is that he’s independent and pursues things and has hobbies and interests. That I actually like that he makes time to hang out with his guy friends and do things with his roommates. Or that he is close with his sister and they do cute things, like try new recipes together, or that he makes time for his family. I want to be supportive that he has all these new responsibilities at work and that he’s busy. That I didn’t mind the times we spent the night together and he would either drive me back to my apartment at 7/8am or have to leave mine early in the morning because he was in a golf tournament. I want to be supportive of all of that, not demand time/attention away from that, because that’s the person that I like. I want him to be happy to do what he wants, I don’t want him to feel obligated to hang out with me at all, and maybe my last posts didn’t convey it, but I’m like that too and have a life outside of relationships that I would like to maintain and am proud of. I don’t need or want him to be my therapist either, but yes, sometimes when you’re going through something so hard and feel so alone it is nice to at least know that there is someone who cares about you. I don’t want to be a mandatory requirement or a number one priority, I just thought it’d be fun if when we both got a chance and wanted to hang out with each other or spend time together, then we should. That’s all. Yes, I need more open communication and I’ll tell him if that’s something he can’t give me, then this is pointless and doomed. Not more frequent communication, just open communication. I don’t need him to text me or call me a minimum amount of times, I actually admire that he’s not one of those guys that is attached to his phone and isn’t going to text me all day long. Texting sucks and that was a hard lesson I learned. But if he was ever willing to give this a chance, I need him to be considerate and just straightforward, none of this ambiguous-maybe bullshit. I have a feeling that me handling this wrong over the last month makes me seem needy or forward or like I’m trying to get something out of him, but I just want to tell him that I don’t. I’ll tell him, “I don’t have an endgoal with you or an agenda, other than I genuinely like spending time with you, this is how I am, I’m not going to change and turn into a raging psycho, these are my cards on the table, take it or leave it. Not going to betray your trust, not going to deceive you, not going to make you do or say anything you want, but, yes, this is very basically an ultimatum because I need to move forward and if you’re not coming, then fine.”

I know that’s crazy, but honestly, I haven’t let go yet and this situation really can’t get worse than what it is now. So he says no, and I can say, “Okay, well I tried and put myself out there, can’t change his mind, it is what it is, not waiting around anymore.” But in the chance that he did feel the same way about me, that hearing this might at least open his mind for a second and put his guard down, then what have I really got to lose? I think there’s a good chance that we’ll both end up losing each other right now, so the only thing this can do is accelerate it, because I’m really giving up on waiting for him.

Molly,

I understand. I would wait awhile before you attempt to tell him anything.. Also gives you time to calm down and clear your head.. Ultimatums never work.. The reason they don’t work is because men see it as way to control their decision.. It is also kind of manipulative.. It does not help for you to tell yourself negative things like he doesn’t care for you, etc.. I’m sure he does… but men can even be in love with someone and still not want a relationship with them…

I understand when you say you like how things were and that he has his own life… But you did start freaking out when you could feel him pulling away… Pulling back now is your only option… He most likely pulled away because he could tell your feelings for him was more than he wanted and he didn’t want to get more involved and hurt you… because he does care for you..

Claire,

Yes I think they are very similar.. I think the main reason I check his FB is because, I don’t understand why he won’t work this out with me.. I look to see if the reason is someone else maybe??…. no sign of it yet.. He also post things all the time, that I know he puts on there for my eyes to see… I only check it like once a day… then there will be days in between..

From the very beginning he has been consistent and treated me great.. I thought I knew his character very well… But his character since we broke up has been spiteful, hurtful, and childish….I don’t know that part of him, idk that person..

@Mandy @Harley

Yes you’re right, ultimatums never work and I didn’t intend for it to be one. I didn’t intend to persuade him to say yes. In fact, I don’t think he’ll say yes anyway. I’m not trying to manipulate him. But those are the things I want to tell him badly because they’re the words that I never got to say and they aren’t words that were meant to change his mind, but words that tell him how much I really liked and cared about him, not just as his past flame but as his friend. I don’t mean to pressure him, but the situation is what it is and either he can and wants to do it or he can’t.

I am not seeking him out. I haven’t texted him and I won’t, but I’m also not going to ignore him when he finally does either. I’m not going to wait around, I’m going to entertain myself and when the time is right, I think he will seek me out, not necessarily to reconcile or whatever and obviously I’m not expecting him to do this right now, but if I know him, I think he’ll contact me to just to see how I’m doing, maybe catch up. And you’re right, I did freak out. It was confusing to me and I haven’t gotten this far with any guy I’ve dated to know that there is a pullback phase and its normal and I didn’t handle it right. So yes, I acknowledge I sent mixed signals and this is my fault. And I’ll tell him that I take ownership and I don’t think of him as the bad guy and just like him as a person and genuinely want him to be happy, and to be honest, I’ve never wanted that for a guy before because I’ve never truly cared for someone before. But is it wrong to tell him these things?

I know, i’m really not going to, it just crossed my mind. Thanks for the kick up the bum too! I’ve even been contemplating sending a text on xmas day but I have to remember i’m not the gift that keeps on giving. For all I know he could have left me for this girl and i’m the flipping mug trying to be friendly and texting him! Wake-ip Claire!!! I wish I could wake up form this…time, time, time…urgh… take me into next summer already please. I’m about to get off my backside and do something now. I have literally sat here pining for the last four hours. I really don’t do myself any favours. Hopefully my date tomorrow will be a catch and take my mind off things! Keeping my fingers crossed! :) He does look quite cute in his pictures!

Molly,

Stop thinking about it too much… Trying to tell him these things right now isn’t going to “fix it”…. or make you feel better… Learn from my own mistake… Let things cool down with time… then you can tell him whatever you want to tell him…

Claire,

I agree with Harley… you are being set back a few steps, from meeting up with his family… I was afraid of that when you said you was going to meet them… but I understand why you did…

I think the reason why it is so hard for me… is not necessarily that I want us to get back together… at least not until things are discussed/worked out individually and for the relationship…. it’s hard because I can’t understand his reasoning behind his decision/actions… why can’t he tell me it’s because -“His career is more important to him right now” or “He wants to date someone else” or “He doesn’t think I can handle him leaving all the time for work”…… just something logical… not because “I hurt him”……. he has hurt me also… but I’m willing to forgive.. The key to a good relationship is communication… and if he can’t communicate with me… then he can F…off anyways

Aww Mandy. ..they never tell us the real reason. I still think this guy has traits not good for a relationship. …but again…time will tell. He’s like Mike. …trying to talk through posts on fb…which means childish and bad communication in my book….so yes.. feck off .

I also think ….It means he will be back…he’s just trying to work up the nerve AND/or like Mikey. …keep you on a string by jumping IN and OUT of your life with these fb reminders. luckily Mike don’t bother me at all now when he likes my posts/pics….He will never step up….and it’s all too late anyway. amazing what a year can do….I am completely over him. I hope YOU get peace…One way or the other too.

@Mandy Thanks. But I really don’t have plans to initiate contact with him and I’m pretty disciplined, if he wants to come to me, then fine, because everytime I think about it, it embarrasses me.

I just need to get out of my head and stop and I’m doing better and talking about it helps and I’ve been feeling better today and have been more productive. I just need to stop feeling hurt and letting it affect me in other ways, but I tend to cope with sadness in an unhealthy fashion, by being manic and either trying to stay busy and be productive and work out all the time or I let myself sleep all the time and don’t move. The last time I felt low because I got hurt by a guy, I worked out compulsively and went full on eating disorder and barely ate, went crazy when I did, threw it up out of guilt and shame, then lived voraciously on a diet of Adderall and diet pills and coffee and apples because I wanted to at least take pride in the fact that I’m not one of those girls who gets dumped and gains 20 lbs. Sooooo many things wrong with that and I’ll try to consciously not go down that road again haha but I can’t control him or my situation and am doing my best to act like idgaf at all and that I’m not hurt, but all my friends know I am. I’ll get over it. I don’t want a boy right now but some poor sucker that I hardly care about will come along so it’s not like he’s entirely irreplaceable.

Feeling bad today. I am thinking about so many things, of them together, of him forgetting about me and all we had, of the feeling that I’ll miss him and of the ugly truth that he doesn’t love me.