For those who need help with NC and letting go.

Suave,
The last time he contacted me in the 14th Jan, he did said if I don’t give him time and myself included, he doesn’t feel right for us to continue like we used to. Is this a way for him asking for more time?

He has been the best that I’ve ever met, he’s been there for me through thick and thin. And I found myself stepping into the black hole of no return, I have fallen so deep that it hurts so much now. I used to work nearer to him and was able to make a visit at least once every month and during those times, things were going so well. Just that now I’m a bit further away from him and he feels that whenever I said I miss him or something, he feels there’s nothing much he can do so he’s doubting if it’s good for us to be so far apart.

This same issue has been brought up before in the past years and we had decided to go ahead with the challenges. However, this time around he is taking longer than usual to reconcile.

Trish,
I understand u must have been going through a roller coaster of emotions now. And U’re doing well in telling us what u wanted to say to him, instead of blazing up at him.

Elizabeth,
What happened that lead to the sudden changes? Did u see it coming?

I’ve been dealing with this guy for about 3 months and we’ve stopped talking to each other twice (well he stopped talking to me). I always say that I’m not going to contact him first but I end up doing it anyway. I think that if we go to long without talking he will really forget about me and I don’t want that to happen because I really like him.

We just started back texting (because of me) and it seems like we’re about to stop texting each other again because I texted him earlier and he hasn’t respond yet. But I just saw that he was on Facebook on his phone. I want to be strong this time and not give in. But I think I’m going to eventually come up with a reason to text him.

I’ve heard that you should just try to keep busy and you want think about it. But right now I’m not that busy and it’s hard to not think about it. I try to force myself to stop and next thing you know I’m thinking about him again. I just wish I could get over him and not even think about texting him first.

Jane2 … we really didn’t go out he’s just came over to my house twice and we hung out. But he did ask me to go out of town with him for a couple of days but I said no because we were still getting to know each other. And I’ve heard some not good things about him. But after that he didn’t ask me to go anyplace else and he only text me. He texted me one day and told me to call him but when I did he didn’t answer and I texted him right after to let him know that I called and he still didn’t answer.

I’m starting to feel a little stupid now because after actually reading what I wrote it seems like he’s been playing me from the beginning and he only wants one thing from me. I’m pretty sure if I texted him right now about sex he would respond.

Congrats…Khadijah. You made the first step, which is hard to do. Yes, it gets harder because the more days go by you realize how much you miss him. It starts getting better in about four weeks but then you go back an forth. Stay strong NO CONTACT, whatsoever. Don’t you feel empowered?

Hi, I’ve read many of your ladies stories in this thread and I have to say they made my heartbreak all over again because I know this pain, as I’m experiencing it so bad right now. I feel hopeless…

Some may have read my thread in the break up section “How to prepare for that msg” but for those who haven’t, this is where I’m at right now:

I dated this awesome and amazing guy for close to 7 months..(I can’t even start without crying my freaking eyeballs out)…Yes our relationship moved quickly. I fell so deeply in love with him. He made me happy, he made me excited, he made my world brighter, he made me feel like a real woman, he made me feel safe, loved, cared for. He made me laugh. We could do absolutely NOTHING and still have the best time just being in each others company. He couldn’t keep his hands off me and I never wanted him to take them off me. He would look at me as though he was looking deep into my soul. He made me feel like I was precious to him, because I truly believe I was. We waited 5 months before I introduced my child to him. He loved her and the way he looked made my heart beat so hard. I could see him visualizing this as being his life and I saw the happiness in his eyes, I know he wanted it, so badly. He was my bestfriend, he knew everything about me, my fears, my stupidness, my success’. I cherished my relationship with him…

However, I think his fear got in the way. He slammed on the breaks and pulled away, and then 3 days after not hearing from him, I received a text message from him, telling me that he’s feeling overwhelmed with everything, he’s stressed with work, his life, me, everything. He’s feeling pressure to move the relationship to the next level and he needed time to figure out what he wants and he didn’t want me to influence his decisions he has to make.

It broke my heart into a million pieces. I was shocked, sad, depressed, but in my gut, I knew this was about to happen, I was able to feel it.

Naturally I reacted out of emotions, I felt threatened that something I loved SO MUCH was being taken away from me, so my response to him came from a place of fear, rather than understanding. Although I can’t change anything about that day, and even if I was able to go back in time and redo my reaction, I probably wouldn’t have reacted any different because I’m a female, that’s just how we are built, it’s a female biological response.

But now that its been almost 2 weeks, I can understand what he is saying and what he is needing. I understand that his decision has NOTHING to do with me or how he feels about me. I understand that does care about me, he does love me and that he’s not selfish nor is he a bad guy in ANY way. Yes he sent this to me through text, BUT I have to believe that he did the BEST he could with what he had in that moment. And I know that he would have preferred to have this convo with me in person, but I also know that he was already maxed out emotionally, mentally and physically, that there was no way he could have been able to take on the emotions that would have come from me and my response. I get that now. But that’s a part of the reason why this no contact is SO hard for me, because I want to sooooooo badly tell him I understand, but I can’t because he hasn’t contacted me and I can’t reach out to him because he asked for space and I need to honor that.

I think about him EVERYDAY! I cry every day, I miss him so much more than I’ve EVER missed any ex bf in my past. This hurts more than I’ve ever experienced in my past. I’m trying to move forward, I’m trying to keep busy – I’ve started going back to the gym, I’ve been reading A LOT! and I mean a lot. I’ve volunteered, I’ve been seeing a counselor for other things in my life. I’m also getting back into dance. I have a child that keeps me busy…but not matter how busy I am, I still think of him, I still cry and I still miss him. We’re not connected on any kind of social media, so I can’t see what he’s up to. I just feel like he’s completely disappeared and it hurts me so much!!!

I don’t know what else to do?! Every day I hope is the day he reaches out, but come night time, when I’m laying in bed and no text or phone call has come through, I put my phone down and I literally cry.

I’m so exhausted. I really just want him back. :(

Its been a month since i left him – left him on 3rd January.
I decided to walk away.
He was the best relationship i have ever experienced. the way he would look at me, the way he would watch me, i felt he could see into my soul
unfortunately this (even though a part of me finds it hard to believe) was all a mirror. when it was good, it was incredible and i knew he was the one and i was so in love with him. but when it was bad…it was all about him and how he was upset over the tiniest things (which weren’t actually to do with our relationship) and i felt i couldn’t cope and that he was sucking the life out of me.
on one hand i felt completely comfortable with him and like i could completely be myself, but on the other i felt i couldn’t speak my mind with him as i was worried he would react badly, as he had a temper and would take everything so personally and some how manage to turn it around so it was about him.
even my day at one point, 8 months in, said that i am the happiest he has ever seen, and said that it was great to have “his daughter” back. the happy, relaxed daughter.
and that was because at that moment i did feel happy. but of course it all changed due to him and his suspicious mind and his negativity.
but i left and around 2 weeks later i was really struggling and found myself just wanting to go back, cause i was (as every one does) remembering the good times and how he did make me happy at some points.
and of course he reached out to me at that point…emailed me. and it was a twisted email, blaming my parents for us being split up and saying “now that you are clearly over me and we no longer work together, do you think we can meet up to get some things out in the opne”…and of course this pulled me in and i responded. it went on for a week messages back and forth. and even when i think about it, he still is not accepting responsibility for any of his actions and blaming everyone else. to the point he even said “i should hate you….but i don’t” he shouldn’t hate me at all. but he was trying to pressure me to get me to meet him. he knew that if he would see me, i would fall apart and he would be in. even asked me to go to his house as he has no car. and as much as i wanted to…i didn’t. there was a part of me scared…as he is manipulative, and a part of me knew it would just hurt me more. so i told him i need time to heal. that he had broken my heart and i needed to pick myself back up off the floor. he kept saying he wanted to make it right and asking me to give him a 2nd chance…and a part of me said that maybe i should give him a chance…everyone deserves a chance. but i had already given him a chance 4 months earlier when he cheated on me. and then he said that he can “accept my rules and regulations” and would be willing to change and “put up with” me being my open self!! and i told him that a relationship is not about “putting up” with someone and there are no rules and regulations in a relationship…it should be natural and flowing.
and i told him again i needed time to heal.

The last i heard from him was 24th january – nearly 2 weeks ago. he sent me an image of 2 lovers holding each other.
but i didn’t respond and deleted it. i blocked him on facebook after i left him, straight away, and i have deleted his messages and photos.
but the last week i have been finding it harder. i wake up in the morning and wonder what the point of getting up is. but i do get up and just try to swallow the pain. this morning i had a good cry over my breakfast.

as well as moving on, i’m finding it hard to look forward and see how i will meet anyone else. i know that it will take time to heal and completely let him go.
i’ve been going to therapy as i myself have some inner issues which i am dealing with.
i’m too needy and seem to give myself completely to someone without setting boundries. but i’m facing this. reading self help books and trying to focus on everything good that i have. and foucsing on building my self esteem.

i wanted to just write this on here, as it helps to share and vent.

GOd! THank you girls for making me feel normal!
this thread is very helpful coz i was getting crazy thinking its just me!

in my case 12 years relationship. We broke it off nicely coz he met someone else.
he is commited to her. Says he wants to be friends. So first he went NC for a week then i decided to go NC but for the last week after 2 months of breakup he is calling acting freindly.

ITS HARD NOT TO HAVE EXPECTATIONS!

the facts are clear: we are not together, he is not my BF and he doesnt want to be, he left me for another woman.

I read the facts i grow stronger. i know i love him still so any contact is a problem for me. he says he cares about me and wants to be there as the best friend he always has been.TWO MONTHS ARE NOT ENOUGH.

we talked yesterday and he sent me a song that reminded him of our first time we got initimate together. the song pretty much repeats out encounter word by word. he said he wish things could be different but then he doest nothing in ACTIONS to back it up.

I think am slowly becoming a man hater!

anyway i think best thing is to go NC again and it means … DO NOT TALK TO HIM EVER AGAIN.

when you have feelings any contact is a set back for you and you have to start right over again. I would like to think it gets esier when i let go and the less i hear from him the better i get. thats how it is with addiction to ppl

Hi All,

I’m the original poster of this thread and i thought i’d come back and provide you with an update, and hope for those of you going through a difficult break up.

It’s been 3 months since I last had any contact with my ex and i’ve started to really get my life back together. I really believe it is the no contact which has helped the most. I was talking to him on and off until mid November and it really wasn’t helping me at all. I was in a bad place and my christmas was pretty lousy. I had a very bad panic attack over everything that had happened on christmas day and that was the turning point for me. I decided I couldn’t let someone else (a factor external to me and outside of my control) dictate my future or the way I felt. He wasn’t making me feel crappy, I was. I couldn’t make him come back and change the situation so therefore I really had to start changing my thoughts and the way I viewed it. The only other option was going further into a deeper and darker hole and I wasn’t prepared to do that. It was really hard but I decided I had to start fighting for my life back, even if I felt complete crap in the process…I wasn’t going down. So after essentially hitting rock bottom the only way was back up, the alternative wasn’t worth thinking about.

Throughout January I made a lot of positive changes. I viewed lots of houses and decided to go for a new build. I have a deposit down and it will be ready towards the end of the year. While i’m waiting for that I am moving out of the house that was meant to be for the two of us and back to where I was happy in an apartment by the water in my old city – a city and location that I love! I’m renting a four bed house that was meant to be for the two of us and the costs are ridiculous so my finances are going to be much healthier and I can save ready for my new house. I also moved away from my favourite place to be with him, a sacrifice that in hindsight I shouldn’t have made, but now I get to go back there and be the single girl living in the big city with a great social life! Yay! I’m moving in with housemates and we have already planned all sorts of activities together for the summer.

In work I have pushed myself and put myself forward for a promotion. The job may be a little above me but my manager is now aware I would like this kind of opportunity and has said other positions may be opening up soon if this one doesn’t come off. She has also agreed to fund some extra studying for me so I can progress my career.

I’ve been out on several dates, with several different guys (haha!), I’m not looking or ready for anything serious but i’m having lots of fun and just enjoying the process. I’ve had lots of interesting conversations and some really fun nights out! I don’t get hung up if guys don’t call me back because I know if they don’t get back to me that it just isn’t meant to be – I have trust that when it’s right, that person will stick and I don’t worry about the ones who don’t.

Funnily enough as I was packing to move today I came across the guaranty for a watch that I bought for my ex last March. It’s valid for another couple of years – I thought twice about getting in touch and decided I had paid for it so if he still uses it he may as well have it, the insurance is a cost I can’t get back so it may as well be with him and of use than in the bin. So I sent him a text and got a simple ‘that would be great, thanks’ response, this was then followed up by ‘where are you moving to’. I could have continued a conversation with him but I was surprised by how I felt that I didn’t want to engage in any further dialogue with him at all. I was simply doing something nice and passing this on and I really didn’t care about anything further. It was quite an eye opener for me, I didn’t care about speaking to my ex and I felt totally happy in my own life without him.

So there you go! It’s been a tough road. We broke up seven months ago, and I finally feel quite indifferent about it. It made me chuckle because he seemed slightly cagey / short in his texts whereas I just really didn’t care. It signified to me that maybe he still feels awkward about things whereas I could have quite happily just chatted and been myself if I felt so inclined to, whereas his conversation was stilted. I guess the guy still has a lot of work to do on himself, but that aint my problem. As far as I know he’s still with his old ex and I kindof feel sorry for him about it for not having the confidence to grab something new and going back to someone who trampled his heart. I know i’m worth more than that and I wouldn’t go back to him or any other ex that has treated me that way once when there is someone out there who is going to love me and never leave me. I’ll let you know when they show up.

Good luck with your journey, think of this as a positive life changing experience, even if it doesn’t feel like it, it’s teaching you lessons and making you stronger, it just might take you several more months to look back and see it.

Lots of love Claire xxx

Claire …what a success story. You are an inspiration……

Oh and I even imagined us going to couples counselling together and making it work between us. How CRAZY am I to even think that??? Jeepers!

Thanks ladies! Hope it has helped some of you out! There really is light at the end of the tunnel I promise. Only a month or so ago I didn’t think there was anyway things could improve, in fact I thought they could only get worse. But here I am, still standing and on the road to happiness. I’m finally looking forward to the future and I’m excited about it!!!! Life is for living and I intend to grab it!

M – you’re hung up on the finer details right now which will have no importance in time. It doesn’t matter what day you’re on, it doesn’t matter if he calls or not. All that matters is you act like your own best friend right now and take care of yourself and start doing things you love without him and meeting new friends and new guys without him. It’ll be hard at first but the more you push yourself the easier it will become. Don’t worry about acting in strange ways right now either, it’s natural and happens to everyone going through loss. I cried after the first time I made out with a guy but this was a good thing as it was part of my grieving and letting go. It was sad but ok and a good thing that he was no longer the last guy I had been with. I know a lot of people may disagree with this but I got a FWB which helped. It was ok for me though as it was all I wanted, we’ve both been clear that we aren’t falling for one another, it’s an arrangement that’s all. I’m far from being the kindof girl who sleeps around but it’s bedn important for me to get my sexuality back and feel sexy again. This works for me although I don’t advise it and it isn’t for everyone. I also know the guy, so it isn’t some random stranger and I knew I’d be safe.

Anyway, obviously there was a lot more too it than just a guy, and everyone is different! Have fun but be safe!

My creativity is coming back and I made a bag today! I used to make things all the time and this is the first thing I have made since the breakup. This is another big sign I’m getting back to myself. M

Hugs xx

Thanks Suave and all the ladies in this thread. Whenever I catch myself wanting to text or call I come here and remember why I’m doing NC. I sure do feel empowered!! I hope we all can get through this tough time. I love the support here.