For those who need help with NC and letting go.

This is what I emailed my co-worker that wanted to go to the paint/art night at his work. Sent it last night, sums up how I feel about ‘should i go or not.’ “Hi Sara,
Hope you are having a good weekend. As much as I would like to attend this, I just don’t think I will be comfortable seeing my ex guy there. It’s his workplace and sanity and I feel I’m ‘forcing’ myself on him seeing me/being in the same room. I guess I don’t feel right about it. It would be different if we were on good speaking terms but we’ve just barely talked once when he needed help with unemployment and then as you know, he blew me off. I don’t think he’s that comfortable with seeing me in person, too. You should still go, is there someone you can bring? The RSVP is for two people (spots reserved) so you could bring someone else.” I just feel it’s for the best, I’m tired of being the pursuer, instigator, I just WISHED he would make some frickin’ effort…….. I think he cares about me but how much, in what capacity, alludes me. Alright, am breathing ;)

BIG mistake telling him about the date. HUGE ! you’ve made him feel rejected and inadequate. he’s pulling back a bit and perhaps playing you at your own game now. and. . YES….you are being too dramatic. just leave it be. let him have his time. go back to being nice and loving. do NOT apologise for what you said or bring it up. .just ignore all.

YOU….are very close to ruining thus again .

He doesn’t need to l ow about other men.you both need to be on your best behaviour now and when things have settled down and it’s all good ..you can mention how things affect you. treat this like a new 1st date. You and he ate not exclusive yet so stop a ting like it. stop doing or saying things that will upset him..there’s a BIG difference between discussing stuff and then saying it all wrong. right now and always ….it’s good both of you have separate lives and go out without each other. He just does not need the finer details if another man..and do t ASK his permission to date. ..it’s none of hus business yet.

Why on earth did you agree not to date anyone else if you are not exclusive bf and gf?

That makes no sense and allows him all the perks of keeping you faithful while he does what he wants and gives you the attention he wants, or lack of it.

You should not be changing yourself for him.. You should be doing it for yourself first
.

Right now because your so motivated on changing to get him back, you are confused…

It takes more than a few days or dates to be ‘changed’… It’s a pattern of behavior over an extended period of time. It actually takes 3 months for a new habit or behavior to truly stick..

He is keeping you at arms length because he has reason to believe you may not stay this way. It hasn’t been long enough Nd frankly you are not doing it for yourself, which gives less credibility to making a change that. Will actually stick.

Focus on you.

No. …I don’t advise you to bite your tongue. I advise you to pick a good moment and choice of words. I also advise you to pick your battles. .simple stuff that annoys you… Let IT Go. I.e….him going out and not sure where. ..none of your business to be annoyed. it’s His life.. he’s a free agent. even if you were married. ..you do not have to know his every movement. .within reason. you need to learn to communicate your upsets in a non judgemental/non confrontational way.

It’s day one for me and it’s not even over yet, I deserved what I got since.. he had someone back home but he kept implying he wanted to be with me yet in the end told me he wasn’t leaving her and he’s didn’t mean to hurt me. It was wrong of me but I didn’t intentionally go after him. He pursued me and I should’ve said no and kept it as friends like in the beginning now I’m all broken hearted and he doesn’t give a damn he pretty much said last text I’m going to sleep we’ll talk another time. I was so fumed that I didn’t reply because I realized he didn’t care about me even though he said he did. He isn’t sorry and as much as I want to pick up and say I miss and love him.. I know I have to move on because he made his choice but I’m so broken. I kept saying I deserve it but I didn’t want to feel this pain. He gets to go on with life like nothing and he’s going to go marry her. She doesn’t know about what happened either.. A part of me wish he would contact me again so I can ignore him but he can’t feel pain if he doesn’t care for me

Yaaaaaaaaaah! I am on my third round of NC. I make it to the 30 days, then buckle, he makes a tiny acknowledgement i exist and then i have to do NC again. Right now im going over and over some short films he made trying to tell myself theyre crap….. But theyre not :(
Hard hard work. Have just emailed five freiends to tell me a list of all the crap things about him…. Things im deluding myself over. Awaiting list to see if this helps. Idea 4u 2?

The above was directed at tt

Day 2 here and it’s killing me. It’s like every fiber of my body is being ripped off… We lived together for almost 5 years,in July we were talking about marriage and were trying to have a baby and by the middle of August he moved out. We were together from day one, lived together, worked together… I think we took it too fast and on the way we lost ourselves. We decided to live apart in order to figure up what to do next, while still being together. It worked for about a month, then he had some family problems and didn’t see each other for about 2 weeks and on Saturday he told me he didn’t want to see me because he didn’t know how he would react and doesn’t want to find out. He wants to focus on his career and the issues in his family and says he cannot deal with a relationship. He said he tried to be there for me but he just cannot do it anymore.

He was my best friend, the one I could tell everything, the one who would always comfort me and be there for me and now he is gone. We used to talk for hours about anything, about our plans and our future and how we would always be there for each other… Our friends were in shock when we announced our beak-up. I guess nothing lasts forever :(

He says he wants to be friends, that he respects me for who I am and I will always be special to him and that he would never accept to hear anything bad about me from anyone. But I can’t be his friend ’cause it’s killing me. And I know he has a hard time too but he says he doesn’t love me like he used to and doesn’t want to explore his feelings for me because it would hurt too much.

And what’s worst is that we work together and there is no way that can change any time soon. Luckily we work in separate locations so we are limited to emails and it is so damn hard to try and keep it strictly business when I write to him. Have done it so far but …

I feel like I’m dying here, he is the only man I have ever thought will be there forever and now he’s gone. I keep busy, I work out, see my friends but everything seems pointless. I just need some support and advice please, because I feel all my inner resources are drained and I can’t take this anymore

Thank you for listening

Thee is no way I can change my job now. Absolutely now way, believe me. I told him I need some time alone and don’t want to communicate for a while and he said he needed that too. We understand each other in every way, you see… Just that his priorities changed and I totally understand that. He earned a lot less money than I did and was always under stress because of that although we had our money together and for me it didn’t matter. But I guess that what they say about men is true. They need to provide for their women and when they cannot do that… I guess that’s why he said he wants to focus on his career and build it.

I just want for the pain to stop. I keep thinking that maybe one day we will have another shot, when he figures out the rest of the stop but I know I will not put my life on hold waiting for that to happen. But the pain… As I said, I’m dying inside

That is what I’m doing. Every damn day! I only allow myself to break down when I am home alone. I’m all sparks and smiles on the outside. After crying all Sunday long, today I decided I was done with depression, picked myself up, cleaned the whole house and made me feel better. But tonight I just broke down again. I guess I need to do some more crying to ease the pain. But only at home and only when I am alone. Not even my friends don’t know this, except for my 2 best friends.

Thank you Harley for your words. They helped me gather my strength

TT
When a couple has to try as hard as you both do, I would say you are not compatible. Period. If you have to feel as if HE isnt trying and go back to being casual… whats the point?

People cling to toxic relationships out of desperation. And fear.

At this point you are on probation. You like that feeling? I wouldn’t. It says he has all the power and you better tow the line.

Why not find a man who you are compatible with. Relationships are not that difficult. And if they are.. it means you are picking the wrong person or you need to work on yourself so that you love who you are and can bring into the relationship a positive experience.

As Dr Phil says, you either contribute or contaminate a relationship. Which are both of you?

Amy.. just take it one day at a time. Keep busy, distract your thoughts.