For those who need help with NC and letting go.

HI Ladies!

A general question but at which date does not contact get easier? I am on day 16 and it still feels really hard. Is this normal? I am getting out, have a busy life but I still think about him every day. (This is my first experience with no contact.)

Thanks in advance:)

Thanks Harley:) I appreciate it and have a good feeling you are going to find a guy who deserves you! (BTW, this no contact thing is a b*tch.)

OH.. and they have this radar…………. JUST as you are recovering/have a new guy……. they pop back up. insult to bloody injury.

OOH.. Great. It’s a start. I WISH I would meet someone i felt like starting with.. but i haven’t. men.. are not in abundance here. I’ve messaged a few on dating site but my heart isn’t in it. I get loads of guys messaging me.. but none take my fancy. Oh well.. Xmas is around the corner !

Imena………. ARE you trying to play a game to get him back ?? OR.. revenge ??? If so… it will backfire. SILENCE is the best way. Just don’t reply as you said. Just fade away.

Imena, what’s the situation? What did he do and what are you trying to achieve? Are you trying to completely cut him off? OR are you pulling back to see if he’ll come forward?

@ Yams I am trying to pull back and see how much I mean to him. It’s like he is treating me like shit. I feel like I am in that situation where he is the old guy who plays with a child with a cookie and says “here it is, come and get it…” and when you’re there to take it he goes like “Nope, not now, not yet”. I just wanna know how much I really mean. I feel like he takes me for granted. Maybe it is my fault, too, for letting him know through my words and actions that I really do care and that I really love him. I don’t know.

@ Harley, thanks Harley. Yea, some do some don’t. It’s just sometimes we want the ones who don’t, to care some more.

Well then pull-back Imena but keep this in mind.

When you’re pulling back for the sole purpose of playing game/ trying to get a reaction out of him, it often doesn’t work. You’re going to be counting the seconds where he doesn’t reach out and this is going to just upset you more than anything, especially since guys take a lot longer to notice a girl’s absence than girls who tend to go “omg where is he??” within a few hours. And when you’re in this reactive state of mind, you’re likely to either blow up at him sooner or later, or the minute he reaches out you react harshly/ blow up/ go running back because you’re so desperate not to feel so lost again. Moreover, you’re not going to have any change of mindset when you go back, and are going to wind up being needy and over functioning in the relationship all over again and then feeling terrible when he slowly steps back bit by bit simply because you’re filling all the space btwn the two of you with YOUR energy– he doesn’t have to give. It’s a vicious cycle.

The right reason to pull-back is to take a step back to give yourself space so that you can objectively evaluate what YOU want and what you won’t stand for. Because when you’re clear on this, you can objectively look at what the guy is currently offering you and know that you are NOT going to settle for that. In which case you’re pretty much happy to walk UNLESS he offers you more. Tbh I think pulling back works a lot better if you’re not already IN the relationship (i.e. you rly like the guy but he’s not offering you enough in terms of commitment etc.) because when you pull back it forces him to decide if he wants to put in the effort to work for you and keep you, or just let you go. And if he does pursue you and give you what you want after, you’re also more confident because you’ve taken the time to work yourself out and you know your limits.

Imena.. we are ALL lonely at Xmas…………. but SOE day , our day will come !

AND.. If you KNOW you are lowerng your standards………….. this guy is NOT for you.

Please continue to move on like me. All Yam says is SO true.

Oh… I AM confident.. just stupid in love. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my intelligence goes out the window. When I get wise to it not working out with a guy.. there is normally No going back for me. Both these guys were guys from my past, so there was history and I made allowances. I’m learning all the time. I’m too trusting and believe words.. not any more. ha ha ha.

Yea, you right. Confidence and self-respect are so important. It never works without them. I am confident too, but as you said, stupid in love. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to love cause I fall so deep. Just like you say, I do believe words and get lost in passion and romance and completely lose focus on actions. I don’t see them. When I do, I am so in love that it takes me awhile to come to a decision, after everything has been destroyed and then I feel so disappointed because I create this stupid fantastic world in my mind that wasn’t even there just because I fall stupid in love. It’s so hard to break the habit.
Yea, you were born strong and you are blessed. It’s not that I am weak, it’s just I am not as strong as I want to be. We all learn but it hurts so bad and I do overreact sometimes, make it more tragic than it actually is and it only hurts me , no one else.

Ha ha ha, yea he is just stupid for sure! I don’t hate guys I have been with either, I don’t hate this guy I am talking about either. Does it make me upset? Yes, of course but I do not hate him, and the truth is you cannot make someone fall in love with you, they either do or don’t. It just happens. Yes, I should practice self-control more, I know I am guilty as charged here, but I will get better with time.
It’s weird but I talk to myself, too. I find it therapeutic. It really helps!
Circumstances matter a lot and I think this might be one of the reasons the relationship I am talking about is not working. He lives in another place and it’s something I have no control over, so, it’s a big disadvantage.

I am going through the same phase for the…well have lost count. I was with J off and on for the last year and half. Tomorrow will be a week of NC this time around. The longest we have gone with NC is 15 days and he has contacted me every time after we have broken up. It has been me for the most part to end it every time. I then go back…when he continues to reach out to me over and over and I finally break down and give in. The past 2 months that we have been together have been really great. Was really starting to feel I could trust him. Was feeling that he was trusting me. Every day felt better and that we were really getting closer and growing towards each other. He is gone at times with work and the last time I saw him was on the 5th. It was a wonderful night as usual. The next morning he had to leave again for work and that night he texted me saying thank you for spending my time with him and that I made him very happy and couldn’t wait to see me again. He said that he loved me and was missing me. A couple of nights later he texted again and said it was going to be another week before he was able to come home again. On the 12th we texted and talked on the phone for most of the night. We tried to do a video chat but he couldn’t get it to work on his end. He had never done it before and was trying to learn how to use it. He got very frustrated and said that he hated me for wasting his time for nothing. Earlier in our phone conversations I was telling him how our work email had been hacked and I had called a friend to come look at it. I said that he was going to be meeting me at my office around 8pm. He made some jealousy comments like…how you better give him a kiss for me too. I was floored. I didn’t understand where this was coming from. He has told me before, that I can see any one that I want, if I wanted to. When he makes these comments, I tell him I want him…and that if I did want to be with someone else I would tell him and not see him at the same time.
Anyways, when he got all frustrated and said that he hated me. I told him that I didn’t appreciate being talked to that way and that I was going to bed. He then texted saying “not like you need to see me when i get home. No one is forcing you. So say you dont care to and ill plan on that. Your life is yours to do with as you wish, not mine. I know you know that. I want to see you but i know its not up to me. I want to see you badly but i really feel its wrong for you to have this with me? Its been awhile since you ever sent a message or wanted to talk or try to get ahold of me. Im just sad and very unsettled on how to understand everything, it gets so confusing to me alot. Tell you what you can do as you wish,just wish i could be with you. Fucking love you”
My response “Please don’t be sad, we are fine…we are great! We always work through it and I love that. just another one of our too tired and should not be talking conversations ok. I almost called you yesterday morning to leave you a voicemail that I know you like but felt I would just be bothering you when you’re busy and me possibly come off being all needy for you when really just missing you so much it’s unbearable sometimes. So, I try to stay busy to not think about it. Please remember I ALWAYS want you!! To talk and everything ok, don’t doubt that ok. I love you too! And of course I want to see you so you better let me know when you are home muah!!
We talk on phone the following night and all seemed great and fine. The following night, I find out he reactivated his account on the same dating site that we met on and buys a 6 month subscription. I couldn’t believe it. How does someone go from being so happy to wanting to meet someone new? Needless to say, I confronted him about it and he gave me a bunch of BS about how he didn’t know how it got reactivated and that had to do the free month trial on there to view what was going on ….which is crap 2 fold. First off, this certain site doesn’t offer free month trials and you don’t have to pay for anything to look at your own sh*t. He said he was showing a co worker what it was all about….yep sure that’s why you updated your whole profile and started talking to girls right away.
So told him I need to not see him anymore and that he hurt me for the last time. I just don’t understand how someone does a 180 like that?
I know I need to be done for good this time but I still have the moments where I want to reach out and talk to him and get answers. But I am not sure if I would ever even get those if we did talk. I am sure I will hear from him eventually too but am thinking about blocking him so I don’t. Just really want to forget all of it. Had to share my story and thanks for letting me :)