Freshly graduated college, advice please

Hi ladies, I am writing this as part rant and part “please give me advice i feel so lost”. I just graduated college a few weeks ago after four years of up and downs and absolute zoom hell, on top of my father dealing with chemo since his diagnosis with stage 4 cancer when I first started school. I am amazed I completed my degree and now on a job hunt and trying to figure out what I want in career, life, being a young professional woman, sex, and dating men. I have only had one serious relationship when I was 20 years old for 6 months, and learned a lot from it. Eight months later I tried dating again and sadly reached that 3 month point with a great guy who, looking back, wasn’t very into me as I was into him, and he ended things by ghosting me for a week after the holidays making me feel as if I did something wrong (he soon apologized and came clean). I romanticize him a bit looking back, but we had a lot of little incompatibilities that built up.

Since then (we ended things in jan of 2020) my luck with guys has been so poor. I have had only one to two dates then it fizzles out. I have been out with seven guys within this past year and a half and all of them either 1) slow fade/ghosted 2)lovebombed or 3) told me they wanted something serious when it was very clear they just wanted to have sex. my filter on men has insanely improved from being 18 to now almost 23 (i know young, and so much more to learn), i cannot help feel as if I am doing something wrong sometimes. I know most people my age just want to have sex, but I am just encountering such odd dudes who can’t make up their mind and in result I feel as if I should try to be someone I am not.

For example, I had two fun nice dates with a guy, and he is a bit neurotic (ADHD, and on the spectrum) yet the conversations have been fun and easy to do in person, but communication between him and me is limited (he goes silence for days on end then it picks up for 30 hours then falls off again, forgetting when he asked me out, etc). I really am not high maintenance when it comes to what i need and want from a man who i am talking to or seeing, but I feel as if I need to amp up my standards a bit. This guy seems interested yet at the same time he has not asked me out for a third date yet and its been three weeks, yet still texts me. It is extremely evident this guy 1) just gets an ego boost by texting me and 2) wants a penpal. I even thought maybe just have something casual with him, but I know I KNOW deep down I will feel absolutely used and awful after, as I am letting him walk all over me. I do not like casual relationships, which has taken me awhile to admit to myself. I realize I need to end things quicker than letting them drag out and getting frustrated. I can go from not being really into a guy then kissing him and suddenly panicking and overthinking–I do not get it. Possibly abandonment attachment theory?

I am so sorry this was a mini rant, but I am horny, lonely, and at the age I really want to casual date to hopefully lead to something serious (but nothing can get past the two date phase). I am being myself, but I keep walking myself into a position of possible men just seeing me as a casual girl? Most guys have said to me “lets just see where it goes” and I get that mantra, but at the same time I know I do not want to waste my time, and its just so vague yet I just keep encountering it. I just feel conflicted and want to stick to my morals, stick to my boundaries and want these men to respect me more.

I also have a gynecological condition that I am worried at any moment will flare up and cause sex to be painful and I feel as if I should take the opportunity to have sex as I never know if it will be normal the next day. Birth control has helped stabilized it, as well as exercise, but this is another thing I need to work through in therapy. This does not help in me deciding what I want lol.

Thank you so much for reading if you did, I really appreciate it