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- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 2 years, 7 months ago by
Cassy.
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Cecilia
I wanted to get other people’s opinions on the “friends first” approach to dating, which I just encountered for the first time. In the past, the men I dated and got into relationships with were pretty clear about their interest in me right off the bat. I didn’t have any confusion about what their intentions were and they took me on proper dates, not just “hang outs.”
I recently have been talking to a man on a dating app for a couple weeks. I usually don’t spend so long chatting on an app without meeting, but I like to see men take initiative in planning a first date, so I’ve been taking the patient approach with this guy, since I got a sense he was a bit on the shy side. We did have a phone call, which he requested, and it was a pleasant introductory call. Afterwards, I expected he would suggest finally meeting in person but he continued just messaging me on the app. I finally told him that I felt like things between us were not moving forward in a dating sense. He responded by saying he was interested in me, but was “not a very confident guy” and “wanted to try a friendship first before pursuing things further.” My instinct is telling me this is not it. I’m not on a dating app to make friends, and in my personal experiences, my guy friends have always simply just stayed as friends. Is the friends first approach something I should be more open to?Maddie
I think anyone who says they’re not a confident guy won’t be a good match for you if you’re sure of what you want and of the speed you’re comfortable with. There’s a lot to be said about not rushing into a relationship and using early dating as time to really get to know each other first before investing… but it’s another thing altogether to be taking it slowly only due to one person’s insecurity and uncertainty. It’s hard to get to know each other over time if you’re not meeting up in person and spending quality time together (or at least having video dates if distance or the pandemic are temporarily an issue). And you’re not looking for a pen pal with occasional phone calls. So trust your gut that this doesn’t feel like it’s organically progressing for you because you can find a better fit.
Rox
Hi,
I think he was trying to take the pressure off. If you need a man who takes charge right away, then you can brush him off. But, I always think you never know until you try.I would try it for 3 weeks, unless you have more convincing options at hand.
AngieBaby
Cecilia – trust your own gut feelings. You’ve stated very clearly why this guy isn’t offering anything you’re interested in. I can tell you why I would stop communication with someone on a dating site who talked to me and then didn’t ask me out and wants to be ‘friends first.” But that’s not important because you’re the one who’s in the situation. Why are you not trusting yourself here?? Is it FOMO?
Cecilia
Maddie,
Thanks for your response. I think everything you said was things I was thinking too. I completely understand wanting to take things slow and not rushing into a relationship, but I think that can be done while getting to know each other during actual in-person dates.Rox,
I haven’t felt pressure from dating so I never thought of that. I was debating trying, but the more I think about it, the “friendship” part throws me off because it makes things feel too platonic, and quite frankly, boring.AngieBaby,
Yea, I should trust myself more! Maybe I did feel a slight FOMO, like what if this is a genuinely good guy who just doesn’t know what he’s doing at all? An anomaly? But lacking confidence is unattractive to me so…yea. Thanks for helping me get my head straight.Liz Lemon
Let me point out the obvious- you haven’t even met this guy! Whether you become friends or more than friends is beside the point, when he won’t even meet you in person.
I’m always very suspicious of guys who are willing to chat on apps and talk on the phone, but won’t meet in person. There are a lot of posts from women on this site who get stuck in that situation. They text and talk on the phone, and get emotionally attached to the guy, but he always has an excuse why he can’t meet and take things further. These types have no intention of meeting and actually dating- they just want the fantasy and the attention.
This guy shouldn’t be on a dating app if he lacks the confidence to date and just wants friends. And meeting this guy in person is not asking him to rush into a commitment! It’s not even promising a 2nd date. It’s simply meeting in person to see if you click. You have to get to know someone in person, not over the phone or app, whether you become friends or more than friends.
I’d definitely cut him loose- say it’s been nice talking to him, but you are looking to meet and date guys in person, so you are not looking for the same things.
Rubi
Might be a catfish!
Tallspicy
You don’t build any real relationship by text, friend or not. It is irrelevant if he is not interested or not capable. This is a hard pass. It would be one thing if he said up front this was his appoach, but you are having to do all the emotional leading here. Yuck for me.
Cecilia
Great responses from everyone and pretty much in line with what I was thinking too. Ended up telling him we seem to be looking for different things and wished him well. Moving forward I definitely will trust my instinct more!
AngieBaby
Way to go Cecilia. Your gut was correct right down the line. This was a great learning – next time you’ll know automatically to trust yourself.
I”m with Liz, I doubt he’s even for real and on the off chance he is, he doesn’t belong on a dating app if all he’s going to do is ask to be “friends” and hide behind messaging.
Cassy
you answered your own question, trust your instincts
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