From Eric: My thoughts on the forum

[Eric Charles]

First, I don’t post in the forums often because I want to hang back and let the community grow organically.

I’m on Facebook and have hundreds of articles on here. This is my website. If you want to find me and what I have to say on any given thing, you know where to find me.

My feeling is that if I was frequently in discussions in the forum, I would overwhelm and imbalance the organic growth.

I do occasionally come in and comment on a thread.

—-

Second, let’s talk about behavior in the forum.

Plain and simple, the reason I created this forum is so that a person could ask a question and get helpful responses.

No this is not professional or medical advice here (nor is any of my work). No, I do not take any responsibility for your actions – whatever you do is purely and solely your responsibility, not mine, not Sabrina’s, not this website’s and not another poster’s on this website.

Even still, if someone posts a question here asking for help, there is no circumstance where it makes sense that the post should somehow either:

– derail into a discussion about something that has nothing to do with the original subject

– result in posters attacking another poster’s motivations, intent, capabilities, ideology, etc.

– bully, ridicule or berate the original poster for the situation their in (or for how they responded to the advice they were given)

If I notice this kind of thing happening (or its brought to my attention), I’ll probably just ban the people doing it… and I’ll probably delete all the messages too.

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Third, one topic that seems to be in dispute…

Yes, I know there are some members that are sometimes helpful and other times very nasty and harsh.

Here’s my position on it: if you’re one of those people who just CANNOT refrain from presenting your message in a harsh, nasty way… you can leave. I certainly won’t miss you.

I appreciate everyone here who gives great advice. You’re all very much appreciated by me.

The problem is, I can’t trust who gives good advice AND bullies. I can’t trust if I leave the room that they’ll behave themselves.

There’s absolutely no reason to need to slip attacks and put-downs into your posts. So if I see you doing that stuff, expect that I’ll ban you.

You can be very direct and clear while also being compassionate. I can do it, so can you.

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Fourth, with regards to banning people…

Do you seriously think I want to ban anyone from the forum here? Do you think that’s how I want to be spending my very limited free time?

Of course not!

I only ban people when they’re clearly disrupting the experience for other members. What experience am I talking about? Read above.

There have been members that said incredibly rude, personal attacks towards me (they were totally off the mark, but very rude)… I didn’t ban them. But if I saw them talk to another member like they talked to me? Ohhh boy, they would be banned so fast their head would spin.

This forum is a gift from me to the world… and if you’re here to help or to receive feedback from others, I welcome you with open arms.

Really the only thing I have a problem with is when a person is being uncool to other people on the forum.

So yeah, I’ll kick people out that are acting uncool to other members.

There are so many places where people are really harsh, horrible and venomous to other posters. A New Mode is not the place to act that way. We’re not about the negative vibes, mannnnn….

—-

Those are my thoughts about the forum… nothing wacky and crazy. I’m not banning people for no reason. I’m not kicking out perfect little angels.

Even still, I give a lot of space here for heated debate. There’s nothing wrong with having a heated debate about issues if that’s what the topic is. I’m all for it.

Just be cool about what you’re doing… if you are writing something and think to yourself, “Hmmm… I wonder if this will get me in trouble if I post this.” Well, then you probably shouldn’t say it!

[Jippity]

Thanks Eric,

I sincerely hope that the “de-railing” reference wasn’t about another poster and I discussing our CBT experiences on one of Mikes threads?

We both recommended CBT through personal experience and shared our experiences a little with each other. In my opinion (in hindsight, I was just sharing experiences with another person at the time) it was still valuable information, as an example of how effective therapy can be.

Either way, no offense was meant, it was all very organic.

It’s been nice to see you step in lately, I think it was needed. :-)

[Eric Charles]

No Jippity – I’ve seen your name around the forums but not in any bad light.

I’m talking about when a woman is trying to help another woman, and then someone derails the discussion into HIPPA rights, woman-bashing, politics, etc. That kind of stuff is fine to talk about… but A New Mode isn’t the place for it.

I don’t like having to ban anyone. In all honesty, if I could wave a magic wand and have all of the people who were half-helpful/half-harmful be nothing but helpful, I would even un-ban them… I mean, it’s the holidays after all.

So if you’re having an innocent discussion that isn’t hurting or upsetting anyone, then you need-not worry.

[Jippity]

Ahh, good, fair enough. I don’t even know what HIPPA rights are, so I’ll not cause you any problems there!

I’m also fairly new, so I know nothing of The Bannings, sounds like it was a tough time though.

Thanks again :-)

[Lea]

Glad you’ve said something, I been seeing some very mean comments on here just lately. Xx

[Eric Charles]

Lea — if you do, please message me on Facebook and let me know. It makes my job a lot easier in cleaning things up right away.

[Beth]

I’m sorry if I’ve caused problems
I had no where else to turn so I came here

[Eric Charles]

You’re fine Beth, don’t worry.

[Ms. Hopeful]

Many Thanks Eric
And many thanks to the wonderful women here who helped me a lot during the time of my sorrow. I feel better now and here I felt being not alone. Met great ladies. They know who they are. And until now, they are posting to know about my situation. Thank you very much. Now I’m trying to do all advice as possible and it was positive. I feel so great now. More power to ANM.

[hannah]

Beth none of that was your fault. You came for support and your thread took a nasty turn. That’s not your responsibility.

I might though and I apologize Eric.

I did rrespond to the HIPPA comments but purely to reassure others they hadn’t done anything illegal and no one was getting sued. I just felt strongly that adding extra stress to an already stressful situation for Beth was the last thing she needed.

I was also offended by some of that poster’s comments about the other posters and women in general so again replied to something off topic by addressing that. Not in the most mature way I have to admit!

I’m relatively new here and most definitely don’t want to be banned so some guidance would be helpful. Should we just not react to abusive/derogatory remarks made by other posters or false information that may concern others? Is it OK to make one comment to show we disagree with a post, the same way we often do if we disagree on advice others are giving? I understand it shouldn’t turn into a slanging match.

Another question. Is it OK to post an email address on here? I know web links aren’t allowed but wasn’t sure about emaIl.

[Eric Charles]

Hey Hannah — you bring up some good points.

First off, I know that you’re a regular poster and I don’t ever remember acting out of line (bullying, attacking other members personally, etc.) So you’re fine, don’t worry.

In general, I don’t like people giving out emails because it opens the door for shenanigans… this is the internet and let’s say people start exchanging emails and then some con artist swings by and, via email, starts running some kind of con on them.

For example, I’ve had to develop all sorts of anti-spam measures for it, but there are people who regularly hammer the internet, saying that they’re a witch-doctor (or magical priest or conduct voodoo prayer, etc.) and they try to get you to email them to cast a “love spell” for you… now, I don’t think anyone is dumb enough to email them, but I imagine if anyone was the scammer would make them send money and then be like, “OK, I cast the spell for you” and then disappear.

That’s why on this forum or the comments, if you mention the words: spell, magic, priest, voodoo, etc. it won’t post.

So because those scammers exist, I don’t want emails going up in the forum. That said, I saw the emails going up in that other thread and I wasn’t going to ban anyone for it. But since you asked, my answer is I would prefer no emails.

On a similar note, I don’t really like product recommendations since, for a while, spammers would come in to push products in the forum… just blanket the forum with links to buy products…

So for that same reason, I don’t like product recommendations in the forum because it opens the door to those bad actors that just want to post spam about some product their hawking.

Now… if it’s a product I promoted via the newsletter and people bought it and want to discuss it, that’s happened before and I’m fine with it.

Same goes for promoting websites…

In terms of the thread and that Thomas guy — he wasn’t real. There was a poster named Kat who was also Thomas too sometimes… naturally, they’re both banned. (Well, actually I think it’s just one VERY bored person who is obsessed with stirring up drama…)

Which brings me to my final point…

Yes, if someone is acting out of line (and you can just sense it in most cases if it isn’t blatantly obvious… your gut knows the person isn’t there to help), don’t react to them, just message me on Facebook.

It tends to be one person who has a lot of time on their hands and they invent different characters with fake addresses and just start posting. I mean, nobody else finds it weird that all of a sudden, guys you’ve never heard of just jump in the middle of threads and start causing problems?

It’s one woman trolling the forum, pretending to be a male character (Thomas, in this case).

It’s no problem, don’t react, don’t even acknowledge their presence… trolls only feed off of reactions… so if nobody reacts, everyone ignores and I promptly delete them, they’ll leave.

Not immediately though… much like a child, they will misbehave even more and make an even bigger stink… but without reaction to feed off of, they’ll eventually get bored and become conscious of what it is they’re doing and feel deeply embarrassed.

Then they’ll find some other place on the internet to get the reaction they feed off of…

….

So remember, don’t react, don’t respond, don’t acknowledge. Just message me and I’ll take a look… if they’re out of line, they’ll be removed immediately, silently and without fanfare.

[hannah]

Thanks Eric! I do sometimes post things I think in hindsight sound harsh but they’re always meant helpfully.

And wow I actually thought Thomas was genuine, just had a chip on his shoulder. There are some strange people in the world!

I’m sure a lot of us did wonder about the sudden male influx.

[MnMs]

I knew Thomas was a troll!

[Harley]

I just think it’s a disgrace Mike is still allowed post with his anti women comments.

To me..It comes across as you not defending or supporting women at all. Very unattractive and ungentlemanly traits in my opinion.

How can you justify keeping him ?

[beth]

I am sorry I have caused all of this commotion
I never meant to do so.
I felt like I was hit by a MAC train and don’t have much of a support system here
I feel lousy and worse even that I caused any trouble

[Bow]

Yeah to be honest mike needs to go…several of his posts are out of line

[Bow]

There may be a slight bias towards him..not in a bad way..but if we didn’t know who was the person behind it..they would be gibe

[anonymous]

I don’t like Mike or believe he’s real. And I have no idea why he’s here. But he hasn’t done anything wrong so I’m not sure how you all expect Eric to ban him. Others keep responding to his posts for some strange reason.

[Eric Charles]

Harley – I understand. Mike isn’t banned because he’s not bullying or attacking other members. He’s not impersonating other people.

He posts topics and people get into discussions with him. They opt-in. They can just as easily opt-out.

He’s giving his viewpoint. I don’t agree with most of it, or endorse it or even like it at times. But he is within what I intend the forum for: a discussion of topics.

If Mike was diving into other people’s threads and attacking other posters, shaming them, bullying them, etc. then yeah, I’d have to ban him. He’s not though, he’s just giving an opinion and people are having a discussion with him, then because they’re frustrated with his responses, they want him banned.

I understand why people don’t like him, but that’s why he’s not banned and others are. If he steps over the line, though, yes, he would be banned. He hasn’t yet as far as I know, though.

[Harley]

Bah humbug !

I guess I win some, I lose some.

[Harley]

Ha ! I knew that Paul was a woman. What’s tragic and laughable is how many women here were/are willing to accept his advice but massacre other posters who tried to give the same message…not as gently perhaps…but still the same message.

SMH. Large dose of Jameson 12 yr old required.

[Khadija]

I think every once in a while we all need some firm reminders about behavioral conduct on this forum.
I will say this though, Mike’s presence here is annoying to me.
However, Eric you have reasons for allowing him to be here.
I’ll do my part from here on out and simply ignore any post he makes.

[P_Asohka]

Thank you Eric for this forum/website. It is true, people don’t need to respond to posts or even finish reading. They are only words. I don’t see how people can be so sensitive over an opinion and someone they’ve never met. There’s tons of personality on here.

THANK YOU for letting us vent and talk about our issues on here, and to all the wonderful women who are truly helpful.

[Mae]

Wow, I feel foolish. I actually DID believe Paul was authentic. I did sense the strange Thomas/Kat dynamic, though.

Wine, not Jameson, for me. :)

[Mae]

And I’m with Harley/Khadija on Mike. I’ve chosen to disengage since, yes, I suppose he hasn’t done anything outright to warrant being banned. His presence here is definitely a nuisance, but I won’t let it dictate my mood or how I respond to other posters.

[Author]

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