Frugal Fiance

$15-$20K for a nice wedding is about average these days if it’s a decent venue and you’re having more than 30 people or so.

Are you really OK with marrying someone who is this inflexible and stingy with money?? And it doesn’t sound like he’s taking your wishes into consideration at all. Are you working? Does he make more money? Does he control the purse strings entirely?

How old are you two? How long have you been together?

Unfortunately, that’s how it goes when someone else is paying – they feel they get to call the shots. I take it a nice wedding is very important to you. Or else I’d say don’t take your parents’ money, opt for something small, get your house and then have a really good anniversary bash in a year or so.

$15k isn’t a lot for a wedding in the US, it’s probably closer to average outside of an expensive city (which is even higher). But it’s a lot of money in general, and the spending expectation for a couple should be set against the budget and other financial commitments or goals you have for the future. There’s the dreams you get sold of having a fairy tale event, especially in the US, and that’s partially because it keeps the wedding industry making a big profit rather than being a meaningful celebration!

But my point isn’t about how much you spend on your wedding (as long as you want to spend it and it’s within your means, which it is with the $15k gift), or to make you feel badly about wanting what you want, or to be a downer about romance. The point is that Raven is right. Financial incompatibility and stress is a huge driver of long term relationship failure. It is normal and healthy to have conversations about both of your expectations in regards to your lifestyles, how much you expect to spend, how much you expect to save, what are the big things you want to buy in your life and how can you afford them. (You may learn something like, maybe one person wants to take two nice trips a year but the other wants to put all the money into a college fund for any children). That conversation about lifestyles and expectations is much better had before marriage, to make sure you’re compatible. So it’s good you’re having the conversation with him now even if it’s frustrating.

Beyond money, he should also care that the event is important to you even if he’s not a big celebration kind of guy. Make sure you both feel heard and like you’re working together as a team to figure this out. As long as you’re not spending beyond your means, then neither of you are “wrong,” your concerns are both valid, so now you figure out how do you sit down together and resolve the conflict? Maybe start by asking him why it’s important to him to save this money and see where he’s coming from about how he wants to use it. Then make sure he understands what the most important and meaningful aspects of the day are to you, and see how you can blend what you both want together so everyone is satisfied. Ultimately, it’s celebrating a wonderful occasion, so it becoming a power struggle or fight takes away from that.

FWIW, I also think it’s totally reasonable of your mom to want to add a couple guests since she’s footing so much of the bill. I don’t see that as “strings.” So I would try to communicate better and be really open to listening to him about why he’s so concerned (or perhaps afraid) about spending anything at all on this.

Has different spending habits come up as an issue before this? Or is this the first time it’s a problem? It sounds like you do openly discuss things if you have budgets for other goals (like a house), which is good. And this may not be a major bigger lifestyle issue then, it’s just touchy because you’re discussing two very major life purchases and times are really uncertain right now (with the crazy housing market and rising inflation).

You shouldn’t feel like you’re the only one compromising rather than meeting halfway. Maybe pick the few top priority areas to you (hotel room, dress, whatever) and point out that you acknowledge the financial situation and he can see that is true in your choices to cut back in other areas of the party. I’m going to say something really tacky now but… you’re also going to get wedding gifts. Which will probably be items you’ll use in your new home (depending on your registry) or money and which will relieve your future budget a bit. Would he be amenable to spending a little of that relief you know is coming in advance on your top things that you want to enjoy on that day? It’s easier and less nitpicky than sitting down coming up with ways you’ll cut your budget (like spending less on your pizza bills).

Ultimately, again, you want to both be heard and then work together as partners so no one harbors resentment. And communicate what’s really important and a priority to YOU in this wedding! Because it doesn’t sound like you’re being frivolous or irresponsible. He should want to listen and to make you happy (if it’s not creating financial hardships for either of you), and vice-versa should be true as well, which will make it easier to work together towards the same thing. Being happy at your wedding!

He’s not making any “sacrifice” spending $15K as it’s your parents money and it’s a gift.

Maddie as always has tactful and insightful advice. (I tend to be a bit blunt.) And I agree with her that it’s totally fair for your mom to invite a few people since they’re paying.

I really hope this is a one-off conflict and otherwise you get along and are generally on the same page about money.

I commend him for being so financially responsible – but it would nice if he would flex a little here. Yes, it may be just one day… but it’s ONE VERY IMPORTANT day in your lives. I think you’re asking something reasonable to pay a little extra for a nicer hotel, especially since you’re having this lovely wedding and not footing the bill at all.

I also will have to agree. When I’m on a budget I don’t expect to have everything that I wish for because then it’s not a budget. I prioritize and cut back. I would definitely prefer being sure I’m going to have a nice house than a 15k wedding (if I even HAVE to have a wedding right now at all.)

I’m not saying go cheap, but I am sure you can cut back on a few things especially if some of the essential things (floral, dj, cake, hair) have been covered by friends and family, so that you can also have some advance on your savings plus any gifts you may receive.

Your fiancé is spending smart to keep things in the budget I just hope you can understand his point on that, but in the end it’s you guys that will make a decision.

Thank you to all the comments and feedback. We have had some disagreements in the past regarding major life decisions. He was brought up not in a very sentimental household (his mom doesn’t really care if he calls on her bday, etc.) So he is the exact same way. I am much more of a bleeding heart. I think in ways that works well. Living so close to my family however with him being like that can cause some rifts. Overall, 95% of the time we are very good and happy. We usually come to terms or an agreement with whatever the subject, it just takes some work getting there sometimes as we are both stubborn and are both having to make compromises on the others behalf.

I appreciate all the comments as it’s very helpful to see a variety of thoughts and opinions. I do agree I think its all a lot very fast for him and as things start to come to fruition I think he will be a little more flexible.