FWB again – how to play it cool?

I don’t see a reason to play games, especially if you’d like an upgrade. It’s been a year since this started, I think you said? Don’t play unavailable thinking it sends this secret message for him to step up… like after a year, if I was him I’d also just think everything was the same and you were busy and eventually back off if you kept blowing me off. Just see him and have the clarifying convo, no games or you’ll stay in this mind-reading limbo, making decisions based on your assumptions about what he is thinking and not even taking ownership of doing what you want. If you can’t be upfront with him about your needs, how the heck are you going to be able to stay in this, whether a committed relationship or FWB? Don’t be scared of owning your feelings and don’t sell yourself short.

Fair point. And thank you. We’re getting together this weekend and I’m still in my head about how or what to say. I’ve gotten some really excellent advice here, and I’m thinking just let it flow as normal, but, then I won’t ask any questions and won’t get any answers lol…
I’m not looking for an upgrade, And I don’t like to play games.
But I’ve learned that I have a tendency to be super loving and affectionate once I’m crushing, and I know now that can come off the wrong way.

But you DO want an upgrade! You said you wouldn’t see other guys if he agreed to be exclusive. If you didn’t want an upgrade, you wouldn’t keep posting about this guy (this is the 3rd time now). And if you don’t want an upgrade, then what’s the point of agonizing over this so much?

I’m not attacking you for posting, and I think it’s great you’re hashing this out– but I’m trying to wake you up a little. It’s perfectly fine to want to be upgraded!

Be honest with yourself. You’re playing the cool girl too much. As has been said before, it’s okay to catch feelings for someone, especially someone you’ve been emotionally close with, and having sex with, for a full year. And Ewa is totally right about your casual comment about keeping him as a sex buddy if nothing else– do you really think you’ll be open and ready for a new relationship if you are sleeping with his guy you clearly have feelings for? You’ll just be in purgatory– without a boyfriend/relationship, but unable to free yourself enough to be receptive to one. (Been there, done that, believe me).

There is nothing wrong with telling him how you feel. I think you’re afraid you won’t get the answer you want, which is normal. But if you want clarity and peace of mind, you should have this conversation with him. I like what Maddie said- take ownership of your needs and don’t sell yourself short. And don’t expect him to read your mind or magically intuit what you want just because you’ve been screwing for a year. He’s going to assume you’re fine with everything and that he can continue as normal unless you open your mouth and tell him.

How on earth are you able to stifle your feelings for so long?

You are are playing it sooooo cool that you’re still sitting on a block of ice and no closer than you were when you started.

Do you know what an true “cool girl” would do in this circumstance? She would put all her chips on the table and simply ask him “do you love me?” If it was a no she would go; if its a yes their relationship would still be going strong four + years later like mine is :o)

A true “cool girl” doesn’t settle for anything less than what she wants or will accept.