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M.
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Lily
Hi guys,
I’m looking some advice because my head is wrecked. I’ve been having a casual relationship with a guy now for several months. However like every aged old story I am starting to gey feeling for him.
When we are together I get the impression that he likes me more than he’s willing to admit just with how he is with me. We go for drives, meals out and even the odd weekend away, he even does odd jobs around my house for me. Initially i told him that I’m still going to date other people because in the long term I do want something more than just sex. He batted the comment away and was like well he would just have to deal with that.
Anyways we were with together at the weekend and it was all very chilled and normal. He asked me how my dating was going. Told him sh***. I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else, casual or otherwise. I just said I liked what we had right now as it was fun and chilled and suited me as I only want to see someone when I’m free. He said good. Then I asked him how his dating life was going. He said non existent. He said he doesn’t want to date anyone properly until he gets his own place sorted. I was like oh I see so once you get your own place I will be cast to the side of the road again. He said no not necessarily. Just see how things go.
Have any of you guys been in a similar situation and if so how did you play it out. Or am I best cutting off ties before my feeling for him get really strong?Raven
‘Just see how things go.’ is a carrot…
Liz Lemon
Here’s the thing. Once a guy puts you in the “FWB” category, it’s pretty much impossible to change that. Mentally, you’re in his head as nothing more than a f*ck buddy.
He’s not going to wake up one day and see you as relationship material. So if you’re hoping he sorts his life out and suddenly decides he wants you for a girlfriend– that just won’t happen, sorry.
You’re giving this guy the girlfriend experience (sex, spending time together, weekends away) without any of the responsibility of a relationship, or expectation that he treat you as a girlfriend. So he gets the best of both worlds. He’s not going to say anything that might offend you or drive you away, so he doesn’t get cut off. So like Raven said, he’s offering you a carrot with the “just see how things go” comment, to keep you on the hook. But in reality I’m pretty sure nothing will change, because why should it? He’s comfortable with the way things are.
ShannonT
I was like oh I see so once you get your own place I will be cast to the side of the road again. He said no not necessarily. Just see how things go. What did you expect him to say, yup, I’ll be done with you then??!! He’s not cruel and he’s not stupid. Like Liz Lemon said he likes it the way it is and it’s unusual for a man to change his mind about you once you’ve been going as casual. If I was in your shoes I’d bail before you get hurt because you’re going to. I don’t know of any women, myself included, who can handle FWB. Women catch feelings from physical intimacy, it’s just how we’re built.
Ewa
Believe his words not his actions on this occasions . He won’t change his mind and yes he will start looking for a gf when he sorts his place out. He will cut you off immediately like you’ve never existed…
ShannonT
Neither his words or his actions are reliable in this case. Men are able to totally enjoy a woman’s company in the moment and say things they mean in the moment and the next day none of it’s true any longer.
Maddie
Agree. You can’t listen to words OR actions unless they match up. If they don’t, you listen to the more negative of the two.
Your FWB also thinks everything is fine exactly how it is because you just told him you are good with something casual and things continuing exactly the way they are! He has no incentive to change anything.
Decide for yourself what YOU want. If you want more, you should tell him since he can’t read your mind and you deserve more than staying on the hook to “see how things go,” but be prepared to end things if he doesn’t want more. Which is a good thing, because after you get over it, you’ll be free and available for the guy who will want to be all in.
FWIW to back up what the other posters are saying, I once had an exclusive FWB who cooked me dinner, fixed things at my house, introduced me to his friends and was all over me in front of them, and took me on day trips… but he was honest about not wanting to fully commit. I believed him and ended things over it even though he begged me to reconsider (we were having a lot of fun for a few months but I was looking for a more serious guy). I heard way after that he locked down the woman he REALLY wanted only a week later! He told me to text him if I wanted to stay friends. Thinking we were still friends and not knowing about the new gf, I did text him platonically a couple times after that, and he totally blew me off and never spoke to me again. I felt really stupid when I found out and was glad I didn’t stick around any longer!
Tammy
Agree with the above posters! And maddie has elaborated so well. You need to think what you really want from this man and this relationship! The guy is not keen on committment and bec of what you said, i doubt he wld now even bother to think along those lines… You basically told him you would hang around till he figures what he wants! He now knows your not going anywhere and no longer even thinking of meeting other men who do want to be in a committee relatnship. Do you realise your mistake?
I think if you are comfortable with this kind of temporary arrangement and having fun in life, thn thats great. Make hay while the sun shines. But if your seeing this guy thinking of a potential relatnship in the near future and investing your time, energy and emotions, thats probably not going to happen. You probably just shot yourslf in the foot and the chance of a relatnship by telling him you will hang around despite the casual nature of your affair with him.
He wants a gf but wid no labels and no committment. You want more than just a casual man in ur life. Think of what you need and really want and then do things to make that happen. By doing what you did, your not helping urself.
Lily
You are all 100% right in what you are saying.
What I said to him was not what I wanted to say. I got caught up in the post sex giddiness and was trying to be all cool and chill with him.He has since left me I read for 2 and a half days after intiating a conversation. He knows this is a really bug bear of mine. So the fact he’s done it again is a big slap in the face and wake up call.
I’m now toying with do I reply and tell him I’m done with his game or do I just cut all ties completely and let him stew in his own consequences. He has not shown me much respect so do I show him the same?
Raven
He’s left you on read… You have nothing to reply to.
AngieBaby
Done with his game? Huh? Lily… why are you copping an attitude about him at this stage? You willingly agreed to FWB a long time ago. Now you want to change the setup and he doesn’t. That’s not a reason to be upset at him or feel he’s disrespecting you or letting you down. You came here asking if you should cut it off because you’ve caught feelings for him and the answer is overwhelmingly yes. He can’t give you what you now want and that doesn’t make him a bad person. This is almost always what happens with FWB. Someone starts wanting more than casual sex, usually the woman.
My guess is he’s backing off because you’ve shown that you want more and he knows he isn’t going there with you.
Just send him a message saying hey, it’s become clear we’re no longer on the same page so I have to end it. I’ve enjoyed our time together Wish you the very best. And then leave him alone entirely. If there’s any small chance he could be interested in more, then it will give him time and space to miss you and then come back with an offer of dating for real or a relationship. But don’t hold your breath. Liz said it – once you’re pegged as FWB in a guy’s mind, he almost never sees you as anything else. Just consider this over. And stay out of FWB in the future so you don’t get hurt.
Tammy
I agree with angie. message what shes said once the guy does get in touch. I wldnt message anythng unless he gets in touch. And once you break off, pls stay firm on your decision. Unless your 100% sure you can end and walk away dont post any such breakup msgs. There cld be an offchance that he may connect if hes sure you are gone. But dont count on it. Break off and move on.
And i also agree that nxt time dont get in such fwb situations. Most of us develop feelings if we see a guy even if its just for sex, regularly.
Tammie
I’ve been friends with benefits with this guy for about 13 months we wound up he wound up moving into my house with me and my son things progressively got stronger and stronger with our feelings about 4 or 5 months ago he started ghosting me not texting me not calling me he has my car I would have to call him and let him know that I needed my car telling me that one day he’s going to make me a wife cuz I’m good wife material telling me that he loves me all the time only coming home just for sex and now that he’s in jail he said I hope you don’t give up on us and come to find out he’s been telling other females that I’m just a roommate just super super confused
M
Tammie,
Maybe start your own thread.
However in the meantime, to be clear, he’s been using you. For sex, money/home/car, convenience etc.
He’s a very bad influence on your son – he’ll teach your son very bad things just by being in your lives. If you don’t want your son to have a criminal, a user and a lying cheater as a role model and step-father figure, dump him.
He’ll break your heart and hurt you again and again.
Open your eyes Tammie. I know the truth is ugly sometimes, but it’s better to deal with reality than get crushed and throw your son to the wolves without understanding how it happened.
Him going to jail is the best thing that could have happened to you and your son. Now you have a chance be free of him forever, and instead you can find a good man who you can trust and will appreciate and respect and love you and treat you well.
If there are good kind people in your life, ask their opinion on this guy. They will tell you the truth and you can open your eyes further.
Date the kind of man you want your son to grow up to be.
Because that’s what will happen.
Mary
I’m all about just blocking and moving forward.
Tallspicy
Omg: ladies….. if he is not your talking, acting and commuted as your boyfriend, you are single. Period.
A
I may have a biased opinion compared to others on here but I think you should do what you want to do. I don’t think anyone wastes their time on anyone unless you are pursuing 100% which you are not. You two are in a relationship whether he wants to admit to or not. Not a committed one but still an intimate relationship. You do more than just have sex. If a guy you like is asking you how dating is going always say “very well”. He will get jealous if he knows a lot of guys want you. Guys like what they can’t have. Honestly, it sounds to me like he’s into you more than fwb. A lot of guys will suppress their feelings because of whatever reason, mostly committment issues/avoidant attachment styles. If you like him then I think you should just see where things go. There’s no reason to rush it. But definitely continue to date in the meantime. Sometimes it takes guys a LONGGGGG time to develop feelings for a girl especially if they just got really hurt or went through a bad breakup.
M
I agree with A that this is more than a very basic fwb. And, I whilst I think it’s more than fwb, I still think it’s unacceptably less than an exclusive committed relationship.
A “situationship” if that’s what they’re calling it these days, is still a pretty crap position to be in. Especially if you’ve caught feelings (which almost always happens if you’re the woman and you’ve had sex with him, because that’s how we are biologically and neurologically wired).
He’s definitely not wasting HIS time. Guys are wired differently to girls. He gets sex and the perks of having an effective girlfriend stroking his ego and giving him emotional comfort and companionship, without him needing to give any real commitment. All the while, he’s still free to keep his options open to see if something “better” for him comes along.
Theres little downside in the situation as it stands for him. And nothing about it makes him value all that you bring to the table.
Meanwhile, you get to have your self-esteem destroyed whilst your feelings keep getting stronger, and you’re waiting for him to commit. And then you get to have your heart broken and completely crushed and you get to cry into your pillow every night for weeks/months on end, if (or more likely when) he finally does move on with someone new.
Definitely do whatever you want. But honestly speaking this does not sound like an attractive proposition in any way shape or form.
A, I think you’re too nice and kind and understanding. I used to be like you!
Now, the battle-scarred and hardened me would give this advice to Lily: honey, know your worth.
If he can’t see he’s got gold when he’s got you in his arms and in his life, why devalue yourself and hang around hoping he’ll give you more than someone he doesn’t respect enough to call his girlfriend.
Don’t give yourself away for free. People don’t value what they get for free.
Show him what you’re worth. Show yourself what you’re worth.
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