Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › FWB with coworker, and now it's a mess
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Kathryn.
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Anna
2 years ago, I (32 year old female) started messing around with my 25 year old coworker. At that time we had a deal that this is purely just sex, and we’re not together.
We’re a perfect match, we talk every day during work on Skype, we hang out on weekends, it was all idillic, until I started to fall hard for him. I started to miss him more and more, I wanted to spend more time with him, while he was fine with our setup (see each other once a week tops, talk during the week, other days he’s free to do what he wants).
The thing is, even though we were casual at the beginning, we haven’t hooked up or even met anyone else we like more than each other. So I don’t think the reason he doesn’t want to be with me is because of other women, I think he just really does enjoy his freedom.
But it messes with my mind when he tells me likes me or tells me that I’m the perfect girl for him. I mean I get it, he’s a young guy, he doesn’t want to be tied down, and maybe he thinks that because I’m older I’d want to get married right away (I told him I don’t).
So now I’m at a point where I miss him a lot, want to spend more time with him, and on top of everything I have to deal with my other younger female coworker talking to him every day. I don’t consider her a threat really, but he pays more attention to her, I have to wait for him to finish texting with her before he replies, they send each other songs, etc., stuff he used to do with me. I don’t believe he is after her romantically, he know’s she’s living with someone, but I’m just jealous of the fact that they are becoming very close friends, something he told me I was to him. Of course if I said something, he would say: noo we’re just friends, we’re just joking around. I mean really, how can you bring something like that up to someone? “Hey, don’t communicate and have fun with other people!” IT’s silly.
I assume your advice would be guurl drop him, but it’s not that easy… We still have to work together (we don’t live in the US btw), and my social life has been a bit slow lately, all my friends have boyfriends or families, and I don’t have anyone to go out with and meet someone new. I guess that may be part of the reason I cling to him so much, but he really is a great guy.So, sorry for the long one, I guess I’m asking whether you think I should walk, however difficult it may be, or I should be patient until he’s ready to be in something serious?
WHY
Guys very rarely move you from FWB to serious GF. He’s made it very clear he does not want more than this with you.
He says you are the perfect girl because this is what he means: “I can sleep with you, do whatever I want, see whoever else I want, have NO obligation to you, and no responsibility whatsoever. All fun, no serious.”
This completely casual setup is every young guys dream. Steady sex, no serious feels, or heavy stuff, just fun and easy.
He wants to be single and do what he wants. This is the problem when you go into FWB and develop feelings. That’s when it’s time to end it, because he isn’t going to move this forward with you.
It seems obvious when you aren’t emotionally entangled, but the fact he’s pretty much relegated you to the back seat compared to this other girl is very telling.
You can continue this and ignore the facts, and let yourself fall further for him- which means the longer it goes on, the more painful it becomes, or you can stop it now and stop torturing yourself.
Just because this other young girl is living with someone doesn’t mean there isn’t something going on with him and her. I’d bet money there is, or will be, soon.
Khadija
Your tale of an FWB gone wrong is very common. Most women really do think they can get into these arrangements and have fun with no strings attached.
That rarely happens and most women end up like you, catching feelings hoping he will want more. If he did you wouldn’t be an FWB for 2 years.
I’d cut my losses now and start going out without my friends if they’re all taken. You may in fact meet some interesting people on your own.
I’m willing to bet that if he hasn’t already hooked up with that other woman at work, it will happen soon. Living with someone doesn’t hold as much weight as it use to.
Lastly, please learn a lesson from this getting romantically involved with a coworker is a bad idea.
Algo
Don’t ever do casual at work, fwb has a ‘expiry date that’s usually shorter than how long you’ll work there.
Her being in a relationship has no bearings on whether they’ ll have sex or not, people from work and the social group are the biggest risks of people to have an affair with. It’s so common to start an affair at work it’s more than a cliché.
You have absolutely no right to ask him to stop communicating with a co-worker, you have no relationship, just sex and chilling. For your own sake, cut him off now. Please. Stop this madness.
If you need to revamp your social circle, go with meetup.com,find stuff you’re interested in and tadaaaa, new friends without people trying to s’ha you. Sorted.
Emma
Ladies, we all know the OP is not going to just end it. Lets get real here. LOL
I think the OP is facing a very difficult lesson. She is already 32, which is NOT all that young for a woman, she’s spent 2 year on a much younger guy with absolutely no commitment or anything, and how he is in early stages of developing something with someone else right in front of her. And they work together.
I feel very sorry for you, whatever is going to happen is not going to be pleasant for you. I just hope you are not going to waste another 2-3 years of your life. Even your young dude understand it, he EXPECTS you to want to be married because this is what most women do in your age, you said this yourself, all your friends are.
I know you are not going to listen. That’s why I am not telling you to end this right away and try to be courteous about things at work (and in Europe it is more common than in the States). I am telling you to be prepared to start looking and dating again… at 35. Having been dumped by a much younger guy for a much younger woman (not this one, someone else). With all the implications that it entails. Loss of self confidence, insecurities, trust issues, etc, etc. Are you ready? Do you realize your situation?
I hope you open your eyes and understand the mess you’ve gotten yourself into in your age. And I hope for your sake you’d get out.
Hannah
He’s not ever going to step up because he’s not in love with you. Simple as that. He could be 20, 30 or 40. It doesn’t matter. You’re just a friend he has sex with. You won’t ever be anything more.
If you don’t walk away, one day, he’ll find someone he does think he could love and you won’t see him for dust.
You’re already 32. If you don’t leave this situation, you’ll ruin your chances of ever having a husband and family. Is he really worth that?
No it won’t be easy. But it will be even harder the longer you stay. Focus on meeting new people and expanding your social circle. Then you’ll have plenty of support and he won’t be such a major focus in your life.
T from NY
Ladies. If we could just muster compassion for some of our fellow women in distress on this forum. Gawd. All the doom and gloom about her age. I AGREE with a lot that has been said. But a little kindness goes a long way. Encouragement, support CAN go hand and hand with firm admonitions
Love yourself more girl. I hope you have an inkling that you’re really just caught up in a fantasy with this guy. And deep down you don’t feel you deserve more or NO WAY you’d be putting up with these shenanigans. No man is gonna make you feel the way YOU need to feel about YOU. Go forward! Move on from this. Read the book Why Men Love Bitches and Ask Polly articles online. ABSOLUTELY forget this dude. Oh I hope you do.
Hannah
T the doom and gloom is done in kindness! I know plenty of women who have wasted years on a man who never loved them, only to get to their 40s alone, childless and with no chances of ever having a family. They really regret the choices they made.
Anna is still young! She has a chance to turn all of that around. She has a decade at least where she can get out of this situation and find a man who loves her. Her life can be amazing and everything she ever wanted it to be.
The only doom and gloom is if she stays stuck to this man…
T from NY
I understand perfectly why women would choose to dole out harsh advice. My point is that I am not sure how helpful it is to make a women feel stupid or dumb or judged. I do not feel it makes them feel confident enough to make changes. I have given firm advice on this forum several times — but usually those times were to women who are acting entitled, or antagonistic against the very people they asked for help or they are cheating (something I can’t abide).
It is a universal truth that PEOPLE DO THINGS WHEN THEY’RE READY TO DO THEM. All I meant is that we could all take a moment when answering to think about our delivery. To be kind to another female in distress.
Kathryn
Thank you T. I agree with you. I’m a very happy single 43 year old woman. (Not really looking for a partner right now) and some of these comments may me feel like an old maid. Geez, not all of us are looking to get married at 30. Maybe it’s a regional thing. I’m in NYC too so maybe it’s different. Let’s keep it a little more positive people!
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