Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Ghosted after 5 months
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Carmen
Just wanted to share my story to get some input. It has been a month since this happened to me and I am having a really hard time getting over it.
I met this guy on Tinder (I know, not the most romantic place, but living in LA, seems like this is where all the dating is at now). He is 36 yrs old and I am 31. We hit it off great. He basically texted me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for 5 months. Always with a good morning or how are you today followed by our daily chats. I must have texted him first maybe 3 times out of the whole time we talked. During that time, we saw each other 10-12 times. He was such a sweet guy. Always took me out, held my hand when we walked around, would even hold my purse for me. He would do the sweetest things like kiss my hands, kiss my forehead, etc. Towards the end he started sleeping over at my place. We had sex a few times. The morning after, if we were off, we would hang out together/watch tv. One time, I made him breakfast and even packed him lunch for work. I never felt a strong connection with someone before. I guess one of the red flags was we never talked about our relationship status. We never talked about what we were looking for from the beginning which I realize now was a mistake. I was kind of scared to bring it up. But with the way things were going, it seemed like we were kind of together anyways and were moving towards that direction. I was planning on bringing it up the next time I saw him, but to my luck, that is when he ghosted me. Throughout our relationship, he was always honest about family issues he was having and some property problems he had in another country. Then one day, he stopped texting me/didn’t respond to my texts. I got really worried bc it wasn’t like him to not respond. I texted him several times asking him if he was okay. Finally got back to me the next day saying “hey sorry I have a lot of stuff going on with my family and I think I need to fly out of the country to deal with the property we need to take a break”. I was pretty devastated but I agreed to give him space and offered to help him in anyway I could. A few days later, I sent him a text saying I missed him. No response. Another few days later, I sent another text saying I was thinking about him and I hope things were okay. No response. A week later I texted him asking if he was still interested in me. He responded saying his life is a mess right now and he can’t do anything and that he’s sorry. Then a week later the whole coronavirus thing went out of control and I texted him asking if he was still planning on flying. He immediately responded “no its too crazy right now”. So my thought was…okay? so is our break over? lol. I started to get suspicious so I asked him if he was still interested in me, if he would could talk on the phone or meet up. No response. Next day I noticed he updated his tinder profile (I was looking at it every day for the past few days cuz I was getting a weird feeling) – he had new pictures, new about me section. So I politely confronted him about it and asked what was going on. He responded with how I’m so great and how he has a lot of stuff going on and his life sucks right now and sorry that he “dragged me into this situation”. Just said a bunch of stuff but did not acknowledge what I was actually asking. Then over the next few days I texted him a bunch of times asking to meet me in person or talk to me on the phone. He ignored me every single time. I was getting so frustrated that I sent him some mean texts calling him out for being so mean for ignoring me after all that we had, that I let him sleep in my bed and this is how he treats me, etc. He blocked me.I literally don’t understand how this happens. Our relationship was not starting to fade. The last time I saw him, he offered to fix something for me the next time he saw me and we were planning on starting to go the gym together. Last time I saw him, we kissed for like 20 minutes in the morning before he went to work. And then he just disappeared out of my life like this. WTF??
KhadijaYou’ve shared this story before and received a lot of input.
He didn’t ghost on you, he broke things off with you. And he even told you the reason why. However, you kept pushing for answers and then went off on him.
Its over so please accept it and stop reaching out to this guy.
In the future if a guy isn’t making it official after a few months then you move on. 5 months is too long to not have discussed where things were going
Liz LemonI’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s painful. However I have to agree with Khadija, you were not ghosted. He broke it off with you. He was a bit awkward and clumsy about it, but he basically dumped you.
He told you multiple times that he was sorry and that he couldn’t do this, etc. But you kept texting and pushing him. He was cowardly for not telling you directly that he wanted to end things with you, but even so, his signals were perfectly clear.
Seeing a guy 10-12 times in 5 months is very low! That’s about a couple times a month. That right there is a sign that he wasn’t very serious about you, I’m sorry to say. Texting every single day means a lot less than actually seeing each other in person. If a guy is interested in a relationship with you, he will want to see you, not just text (to give you some context, when I started dating my boyfriend, we were seeing each other 10-12 times a month- not in 5 months!) So in the future, put less importance in how much a guy texts you and more importance in how often he makes an effort to see you.
I agree with what Khadija said about the exclusivity issue. You should not wait 5 months to know if you’re a man’s girlfriend.
As for the reason why he did it– who knows. He just wasn’t feeling it. He was only seeing you a couple times a month so was probably seeing other women too. It’s not for you to figure out why he ended it, you just have to heal and move on. It hurts and it sucks, but there’s nothing you can do.
CarmenThanks for the input – but I have not posted on this site before. You must be confusing me with someone else
TallspicyHoney, your story made me sad.
I think you have a lot to learn. Any man who only sees you 10 to 12 times in five months is not into you. Texting every day means nothing. Words and actions must match. And stop making lunch for men until they earn it.
This guy was a walking red flag and you just ignored it. Next time, you want to see that a man is investing heavily And committed by 6 to 8 weeks, no more than 12. If they are not escalating to see you more than once a week after a month of seeing you they are not into you. And if you are not clearly boyfriend and girlfriend, you should not be having sex with him. Lastly, you should be mirroring a man who is not your boyfriend, not initiating unless they are investing and very consistent.
Lastly, when a man dumps you, do not ask more than once to try to connect, because you have to find your own closure.
NewbieSadly in this tinder age this happens a lot. I do call this ghosting because he made up some weird excuses and only said this wasnt working after you asked. Yeah you didnt see the signs but thats just youre not jaded with dating yet. so dont blame yourself. Do say goodbye to this guy mentally because he wasnt classy at all in ending it. Just because you never had a talk doesnt mean he didnt know you were into it. Guys are not stupid. Wish i had better news than online dating is a jungle
T from NYThis is NOT ghosting. Making excuses is not ghosting. Breaking up for whatever reason they wanna give you is not ghosting. It’s a break off. And its part of dating! I’m so sorry you’re sad. But it would not have gone on for so long if you had cut it off because he wasn’t planning steady dates or because he didn’t define the relationship by 6-12 weeks (max).
Learn from this. He is def not your person. A man into you wants to see you weekly or more from the beginning unless they get very busy, and even then, they make a way. Tend to you and if you want a long term relationship don’t let any other guy give you so little.
aliaTrue “ghosted” would be if he never answered any of your texts. He “faded”. That’s one of the risks you take when dating. Sometimes the other person is not feeling it enough to rearrange their priorities. The less self aware/ insecure people will frequently cite work and family troubles as a reason to not continue a relationship and the secure/ self aware people will come out and say in person or over the phone that they are not interested in continuing, because they are not feeling it at this time.
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