Giving space, but missing him terribly…(Guys help too!)

I know men have a one track mind when it comes to dealing with stresses in their lives but I think nearly a month of not seeing each other and extremely minimal contact via phone/text is not normal.

Are you sure he didn’t break up with you? The line about how he can’t “focus on us” sounds like he did.

His reasons might be genuine but it doesn’t sound like he’s putting in any work to keep something going with you.

I’m dating a guy who has a stressful job and a month ago was taking an advanced online math class. Leading up to finals we didn’t get together the normal time we would (the weekend), he still at least sent me a text everyday and the day after his final was over he had made plans to spend it with me. You make time for the things that are important to you.

While the time together might diminish during these stressful times, a guy who wants to keep you will make sure he’s finding some way to stay in you life. A random text here or there isn’t that.

@Maria
Thanks for the suggestions Maria. I’d like to, but at the same time isn’t giving space something like the cave? I don’t want to give him pressure, making him feel hopeless that he’s unable to fulfill my needs. We live about an hour away, adding with his busy schedule, it’s hard to have a meal together.

@Jules
No, he didn’t say that he can’t focus on us, but that’s what I assume when he said he needs to straighten his life first. With minimal and random text sometimes, he’d catch up on my life and update me about his current situation, work, also how much he misses me and would make it up to me.

I know he’s struggling with three main issues regarding his career now and if they’re stablized, he would be able to make more time with me. All I can do is wait… but I’m not sure for how long.

Rose, I believe that he genuinely wants a relationship with me. He tells a lot about me to his buddies, I know this because last weeks I coincidentally met his friends at the mall (without him), they know what’s going on with my life! like I’m heading to Seoul for my business trip and etc. That’s how I know he’s still into me.

So has he given you a time frame for when all of this will be straightened out? If he’s saying “I’m going to have a busy month, after that I’ll have plenty of time for us” or is he saying “this is my life at the moment”. It makes a big difference.

So technically you’ve only been dating about 3 months because it’s almost been 4 weeks since you’ve seen each other. I think that’s WAY too long this early in the relationship. I understand that guys can have a one track mind when it comes to dealing with their job. But he either had time for a relationship or he doesn’t. If he’s not afraid to lose you treating you this way then that’s not a good sign. My boyfriend drove 12 hours Sunday night, got 4 hours of sleep, worked til 5 Monday, drove another 2 hours to come watch the National Championship game at our friend’s party last night and we didn’t get back home til midnight!! So in 3 nights he at most 12 hours of sleep and he still made that effort so he could see me and spend time with me. I think you are making excuses for your guy and his interest level is low. I really don’t think a conversation with his friends about you is anything to get excited about. Read any of the articles on the Internet and this site and you’ll see that a man shows his love through the amount of time he invests in a woman. It’s the most important gift he can give you and if you’re not getting it then you’re not a priority.

I’m a firm believer that the 3-4 month mark is the make or break mark in a relationship for the guy to make a decision about whether or not he wants to pursue this long term. That’s been my personal experience and as you read on here you’ll see that’s the case. If he’s not stepping up at this point then maybe the timing is off and he’s got to focus on his career.

Also I’m really confused as to why if you only live an hour from each other there is no staying overnight periodically during the week. An hour is a standard commute in most cities!

If I haven’t been clear, he never ask for space. He just said he needs to straighten his life now (resolve his 3 work issues and lots in his mind as he’s hitting the midlife crisis stage). When things got crazy busy, he did still want to meet me up but it’s all at his convenience because of his schedule, which was really rush and a bit irrational for my side. He didn’t want me to go through all the trouble as well so he stopped asking to meet. He’d still keep me posted on his progress and how’s he’s been dealing with his immense stress through text.

But I take that as caving and space… that’s why I don’t require us to meet for the time being. Even when my own schedule is filled, I’m still missing him terribly, thinking about him every second. I might become desperate and break that space by bringing up this issue before Feb… I hope that will not be a wrong decision :(

It’s hard to say from what you’ve written if he’s stringing you along or genuinely that busy. Personally I think no one is so busy they can’t make time for what’s important to them…especially given close to a 4 week time frame. I’m also concerned the he can say he misses you during this period but yet won’t even pick up the phone to call? From where I’m sitting you’re playing the understanding girlfriend but has this guy even committed to you and asked you to be his girlfriend?

And I’m not clear on whether he asked for space or you have just decided to give it to him. Personally I would give this guy a little nudge. These periodic text updates as you call them are not a relationship. I’d really hate that you are sitting around patiently waiting for him to get his life together only to find out you aren’t a part of that life when he does.

I’m not saying to pressure him. Just tell him that you really miss him and it’s been almost weeks since you last saw him and ask when he thinks he may have some time for the two of you to reconnect. Wait a minute. I just realized you are saying that he couldn’t find a spare moment at Christmas or New Year’s to spend with you!!! That’s ridiculous! What’s the story there?

@Kaye
There are many situations that validate this relationship. To start with, he’s the one initiated calling himself my BF and he’s also introduced me to his close buddies as GF. He’s also a professional athlete turned official who trains 3-4 days a week at night. He’s quite the VIP there and he’s really careful about his reputation there. Another point I love about him is his seriousness and passion in his sports career, super charming! The federation is small and people will gossip and try to bring the top down, which is pretty common in sports. That’s why he has never brought any girls, even friends who are girls down to his game bench… (or whatever that’s called lol). I was the first. Indeed, when the first time I waited for him there, everyone was looking and talking about me! When we got together a little longer, he told me what happened back then. Everyone was curious who’s this girl he’s dating. They all know that his last serious relationship was 4 years ago. Now everyone knows that I’m his gf and he’d openly hug/hold me in front of them.

I’m not sure if you’ve missed one post before your latest reply. I’d mention he has never ask for this space. I’ve just decided to give him.

I think I will do that. I will tell him I miss him and ask if he has some time for us to reconnect. I just wish that this is a phase… that I need to overcome.

We did meet up on Christmas Eve and as usual, things are amazing when we’re together and he’d keep apologize saying he PROMISE to make it up for me (and again mentioned he needs to get those stuff resolved). He went back to his hometown from Christmas to New Year’s week and asked if I would come with him. I wish I did!! But my best friend’s wedding was on that week too and I’ve used up all my company’s annual leaves :(

If you stay, stay because you want to, not because you fear losing him. Big difference.

From what I can tell, your BF loves you a lot and does think about you all the time.

I can relate to him. My schedule is crazy and there are many times i wanted to meet my girl but I couldn’t.. You don’t know how terrible I feel every time I’m too stressed out or too tired to contact her , meet up with her, but there are circumstances.. Give us men some time and don’t doubt our love to you especially when your BF has shown you how serious he is about this relationship.

Thanks Luke and A! Yeah, he’s really concern and mentioned that he’s having a midlife crisis, worried that his schedule would affect me. I really do believe in him… I constantly pray for his career and life. He’s a great person and I know we’re on the same page. He’s so loving and romantic whenever he could.

Just before I wanted to ask him out so we could talk, he contacted me first, told me how crazy his schedule has been and misses me soooo much. He wanted to have dinner with me last Friday but I was sick. So he ask if I have time this Sunday but his work came up :( oh well.. I’ll let him come to me again.

Lynn, I had the feeling that he’s working hard and he’s into you very much according to what you described about him. But sometimes we women could wrongly put a man on a high position and see him nearly perfect. I would tell you my personal story. My boyfriend was experiencing career challenge too and fanacial problem along with it. We’ve been together 9 months when this happened. Before that, he was also like a dream came true in my life, he showered me with tender love, happiness, and lots of attention. When he suddenly got busy with work, had no more time to see me for 4 weeks (we live an hour away too), I tried to be understanding girlfriend, I never pushed him to meet although I could drive to his place, I just thought he was tired from crazy work and needed space for himself to recharge. He still contacted me almost every other day with a dry and short text, but we no longer had the long and fun phone call conversation. We did meet after 4 weeks and then things started over again. Finally I talked about it to him and he thanked for my understanding and asked for 2 more months to solve his problem. I agreed and back to wait patiently.

I was like you, so believed in him, so sure he was trying to make a better life for our future…until one day his ex girlfriend posted her birthday party pictures on Facebook and he was there, while he told me he was working till late. You can imagine my heart broken moment. I didn’t even talk to him anymore, I dumped him over a text. He had a big fight with his exgf, she deleted those pictures the next day, and he showed up at my door begging me to listen to his explanation after I ignored him for a week. So I let him talk, turned out she was helping him to solve the problem, but he said he already told her they could only be friends. Ok, I gave him another chance because I loved him. He rejected the assistance from her but things were never the same. I found out he wasn’t the person I admired so much, he created all the problems and mess for himself. His ex was trying very hard to get back with him after he gave her the hope, and he could not ignore her because he didn’t want to be a person just used her when he needed. Everything went down hill from there, and drama came up non-stop. Finally I left him, because I saw clearly he didn’t have the qualities I thought he had, when he lied, he lied, doesn’t matter why he lied. If you let go of the lies and thought it was understandable, like I did, time will show you the true color because that’s something in his blood.

It was a painful breakup, he loved me but he didn’t know what the foundation for love was. Until today he still wants to be with me but I know it’s best for me to move on.

I told you my story just to remind you that you do not know him well enough yet. While a man wouldn’t spend the important days with you such as Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, you should be alert. Don’t look at him with a rosey colored glasses, you never know what’s the story behind him.

Hi lynn
For some reason this guy seems a bit off to me when it comes to acting like a real boyfriend. I can understand busy and trying to make things work, but it also sounds like he is keeping you on a distance and friendzoning you. I personally wouldn’t be too happy with so little time and i’m an independent low maintenance girl. I would suggest stop acting like an understanding girlfriend who is more concerned with his business affairs than your own happiness. Being selfish can help you, you know.
I mean, you stand by his side, but where is he? Not besides you, from what i get you are telling here.