Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Go easy on me- but advice please
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Maddie.
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Macro
So. I have just realised that I am the issue in why my dating life goes south.
So I’ve actually dated some guys that I initially have a really good connection with. I’m pretty good at first dates, second and even thirds. Generally I manage to form a pretty good initial connection. Then I self sabotage. Every time.
This year, I’ve dated four guys (ones that I’ve dated for multiple dates), all of which at one point I was excited and enjoying dating. They all end in the same way.
Generally me calling something out, the guy is normally a bit shocked or taken aback none the wiser anything was wrong, and I push them away fully.
Tonight I’ve done exactly that to a guy I actually quite liked, we’ve had an arguement about pretty much nothing and he blocked me. I don’t like being in limbo so when I feel like I don’t know where I stand Ild rather cut it off that deal with that uncertainty.
Naturally these guys think I’m awful after and pretty much avoid talking to me after that. Up until tonight I always justified things with they obviously weren’t that into me in the first place, but the guy I was recently dating, I could see the upset and shock in his face. Kind of just had a big realisation so I’m feeling pretty crappy with myself tonight.
I didn’t realise how much I push people away. In general I’m quite confident balanced and rational so why do I keep sabotaging every good connection that I have :-(Maddie
Self-sabotage usually has to with distrust and fear. While there’s nothing you can do about past behavior, recognizing it and becoming aware of it is great, because then you can figure out exactly what is causing it and make the decision to work on changing and healing it. A lot of the time, this is connected to unhealthy dynamics you learned and experienced earlier in life and even to trauma, even if it doesn’t seem at first like there’s an obvious connection between growing up and your dating life. Looking into insecure attachment styles may help you, as can talking to a good therapist. The issues you’re going through are common enough that there’s information available to help people get through it. And while you may be beating yourself up right now, it really is a huge step that you’ve recognized there’s an issue, because many people can’t even get that far and get stuck unhappily repeating bad relationships over and over. It can be tough to face all this, but it’s the only way you can get through it and stop sabotaging if you are looking for a healthy connection one day.
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