Gray area between low interest and REALLY busy/stressed?

I’m sorry, Vicki. Well, at least now you know. You have the right attitude towards it though, so good for you on that. But jeez. :(

I don’t have high hopes of my situation turning out much better, but I have been shifted into low gear on my end for a while now, so that if it DOES end, I am going to be just fine. I am still open to meeting other guys during this time though, although taking the actual step is something I’m hesitant on, based on the fact that we are supposed to be exclusive, and I am a woman of my word. I can’t control if he has not lived up to it, but I have to be true to myself. However, I don’t have any reason to believe otherwise, so I’m just going to keep on with the idea that he too is a man of his word.

Having said that, I feel freer mentally knowing that if either one of us decided to end it, I can move on just fine. Men are interested in me, or seem to be, lol, so whatever. :)

Having said THAT – IF i found out that he had been with some other woman while I’ve been true to MY word, I am going be pissed. But at that point, we’d be done anyway, so oh well. I have learned SO much from this website and forum, plus reading I’ve done on my own….one of these days I WILL get it right with the right guy, and while I don’t expect perfection, I know that my relationship will be far better and healthier than any one I’ve previously had. I know my boundaries, and what to do if someone attempts to cross them.

I don’t contribute on here much, but I read everything, and I “love” you ladies. lol Such a great community.

Gibson is fine. keeping well, dancing her little toes off.

We all heal with time Pheebs !

What are your thoughts when you change the scenario a bit and the guy is grieving the anniversary of the death of this mother and is distant b/c he needs time and space to deal w/it?

We’ve only been dating exclusively for about 2 months and he said he loved me too, but had known each other for awhile.

It was just the one year anniversary of her death two weeks and he went to an (unexpected) memorial service. When he came back he said the experience was much worse than he expected.

He did say he needed time/space and I gave it to him and he pretty much went MIA, but would respond to the occasional text. I did ask him (a few times) if a new relationship was too much to handle and he did not want to end the relationship, but says he doesn’t know how long he’s going to be in this bad place. He explains that he doesn’t know what each day is going to be like and the bad days he doesn’t want to do anything or see anyone and also only responds to the occasional “are you ok” text from his best friend, who he normally talks to all the time. I’m trying not to take it personal as I’ve never lost a parent. And I’m not expecting him to pour out his feelings to me, but I just need a little hope that we’re going to eventually be ok or is it that he’s too broken to date and just won’t end it for some reason. I hear all the time from guys and girls how no matter what the situation you always make time for your significant other, even if its just to keep them in the loop so they don’t become to distant.

Mel, thanks so much for your insight! I knew what I was saying could come across as selfish, but I just felt myself going to this unhealthy place of insecurity and doubt when I wouldn’t hear from him for days or he didn’t respond to an “are you ok” from me. I just needed a little hope to hold on to.

I understand that there’s no timeframe for grief, but how much time had passed from when you gave him space and he contacted you? Were you having any physical interaction during the time or just text/phone? Was there ever a point where you thought the relationship wasn’t salvageable?

:-) I never had any doubt in my mind about our relationship. My guy never shut me out he still texted me but only one text a day. It was about a week before I saw him but it took a little bit for him to come completely around. He more dealt with the guilt this time because he almost forgot the anniversary and actually didn’t feel sad about it this year, so he had more guilt than grief.

Honey just be strong, this is still new for him and the memorial service reopened wounds it could be up to a month it all just depends on him.

It is okay to send a text a day or everyother day something simple “thinking of you :-) ” kind of thing just don’t expect a response back. don’t lay your insecurities on him come here to vent come here to let that stuff out of your head don’t let him see it.

baby steps.. and PATIENCE/security/confidence.

He’s.. not in a good place right now… don’t make it worse. Be.. an oasis of calm for him.

keep yourself busy.. do NOT contact him.. let him come to you when he is ready. The more YOU stay away.. the MORE he will appreciate the space and miss YOU !

Security/confidence is a mind set.. You have to believe and TRUST it will work. It’s hard I know, as we all have “off” days. Just remember the good times and work on your confidence in yourself. Believe ” you are sooo awesome, of course he will want you back ”

KEEP busy and distract your mind. it’s the constant thinking and over – analysing that does one’s head in.

You truly have to be happy enough in yourself that even though you would miss him dreadfully/the heartache would be intense,if you lost him.. YOU WOULD walk away if he is not fulfilling your needs.

But.. he DOES deserve a bit of time to work things out in his own head space.

I walked away from the love of my life because he was stringing me along. Recently, I fell hugely for another guy.. I am also walking away from him because he is not interested enough in me. I miss him hugely but I have enough pride and self-respect.. TO WANT MORE !

Settle yourself and give this guy a chance. but.. walk.. if he does not give you enough when he comes back.

Honey….you are asking for TOO mu h right now. He’s not fit to give you what you want. You need to be HIS support system right now. ..not the other way round. I understand HOW you feel but acting needy and pushing to see him is not going to win you any favours right now. ..it’s just going to seem like more stress to him and push him away further.

You have 2 choices. …go out and get a life without him and wait till he’s ready or. …end it with him.

I absolutely do not want to lose him, but I feel like I already have. You’re saying it is normal in grief to literally show not affection to your significant other whatsoever? That’s what killing me the most. I don’t understand how at some point he doesn’t miss me?

And that’s where I struggle…I understand not being a priority right not, but it doesn’t even seem like I’m an option? If feels as if we’re in a serious fight or have broken up. If this is how he deals w/grief I can/will accept it. For the most part I’ve been trying to stay busy w/work and friends…but then I hear from him and it doesn’t seem like he’s really making any progress and then my thoughts take over and I get into this bad place of doubt. But I people have commented on giving him a “reasonable” amount of space/time, but then say “there’s no time limit”. What do I do w/that???

Amber,

Yes it is correct for someone who is going through grief to not show affection to anyone even their SO, that is because they are turned inward and they cant. I’m sorry if this hurts you but what he is going through is not about you it is about him.

There is no time limit that is correct, so either you will wait it out or you wont. If you cant handle it then you need to walk away. This is not only something that he is going through but it is kind of a test for you also. Do you care enough to stay if it takes him 6 months to get though this episode, and I say episode because there will be more, the grief process is a LONG process it doesn’t go away in a day or a week or even a month. Like I said my guy lost his wife 4 years ago and he is still grieving, your guy he lost his mother a year ago if I remember correctly, he is going to be this way for awhile.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but you are wining a lot so either suck it up and be there or walk away.