Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Gray area between low interest and REALLY busy/stressed?
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Jade.
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Phoebe
My guy had issues with job stress, money stress, stress from classes, and issues with the mother of his child. I’ve been chilling out these last few months, appreciating the communication we’ve had (while secretly freaking out on my own as to what was going on), and now that things are finally starting to normalize on his end, including him getting a new and better paying job, the cloud over us is starting to lift.
His communication has increased, and he’s really stepping up in telling me how he feels about me. I think he really appreciates the fact that I haven’t been all up in his grill while he’s been battling dragons, if you’ll excuse the expression. I chose to believe him that he loves me and I’m the one for him, and I think the rewards of me turning down my outward nervousness will pay off. And if it doesn’t, and he’s been bullshitting me this whole time, well….I’ll kick his ass. ;) No no…he’ll just have to suffer without the wonderfullness that is me. I see other men looking at me. I know I could move forward if I needed to. Still love him enough to wait and see what happens with us though. :)
Good luck, Amber. Keep yourself centered and focused. If you need to freak out, do it in your own head, or scream to an empty room to let go of your frustration…but don’t turn it towards him. Like Mel said, this is about him right now and the pain he’s still going through. Believe that he loves you, and sit tight if you can.
Harley
WOOHOO Pheebs, it’s on the up and ups ! great news ! Am sooo delighted for you.
Phoebe
Thank you, Harley. I am still cautiously optimistic….not going to start a ticker tape parade JUST yet. ;)
But thanks for the vote of confidence, luv!Harley
Yes.. wise to be cautious. Sometimes.. we just never know what’s round the corner. But.. we have to believe and trust.. else there’s nothing. Just fear and insecurity.
Phoebe
Very true!
Amber
Phoebe,
Wow, I wish I could bottle up your confidence/positivity and then take a shot or two when I start feeling scared and insecure. I’m going to try my best to be patient and give him the time/space he needs b/c I do think he’s worth it.
I also feel like I’m walking on eggshells the little I do talk to him, you know. Do I ask him how’s he’s doing or just talk about normal everyday stuff?
Follow-up question to everyone…during the high levels of stress/grief, were you still “intimate”?
Amber
And congratulations to you that your situation is looking up…I hope to be where you are and hopefully soon!!!!
Mel
Amber,
I let him lead. If your guy isn’t into sex right now then leave it be, take things into your own hands if you know what I mean.
Also I would let him direct the conversation. If you have to inciate it then talk about funny stuff that happened that day or something, keep it light. Don’t try and dig and get him to open up he will when he is ready.Harley
I’d also keep convo’s short, upbeat and sweet. YOU end them .. no matter how much it kills you… let him miss you. I KNOW it’s not a very nice way to treat him in his hour of need, and it’s not game playing. It’s so YOU.. get off the phone, go out and do stuff and let him HONESTLY know you are not needy/insecure and are independent.
Phoebe
Amber..it’s a learned behavior on my part. BELIEVE ME. lol
I am still suffering at times from my mind trying to make me open my mouth and let some of my “crazy” thoughts out to him, but when I get that urge, I take a deep breath, tell myself that I am fine doing what I have been doing, he’s still engaging with me, has made it clear that he still wants me, and if I DON’T chill myself out, I am going to be the one who ruins it.This is based on the assumption that he’s being 100% straight up with me though….and that it’s just been other circumstances that have nothing to do with me that have mucked up the works. He knows I’m here for him IF he wants to talk anything, but he tends to keep his cards close to him as to what is going on with him. If it deals with US though, he says something. As do I. That’s why I choose to believe him when he says he loves me, etc etc. He is the type of man who says what’s on his mind, and isn’t one to mince words. I believe 1000% that if he was done with me, he’d tell me. And there would be NO ambiguity. lol
Don’t think that this has been easy for me. Because it hasn’t. In the past, after my separation/divorce and I started dating again, I was a clingy needy mess, and I can’t even count how many guys I probably chased away. I shudder to think. A few of them though, deserved to be chased off, and I count my blessings. Through reading, self-reflection, counseling, etc, I have learned what I need to do to change my behaviors. It must be working, b/c in the past I’m SURE my behavior would have chased this one off….
Be strong. If I can do it, ANYONE can. ;) xoxoxoxo
Amber
HELP!
A quick “how’s your day” e-mail exchange and then he dropped this bomb on me “We do need to talk though…this doesn’t seem very fair to you and I just don’t see my situation as a positive one.” I told him that I didn’t want to have any talks of this nature via text and we’re going to meet tonight. I know I have to remain as calm as possible and not freak out and cry like I am inside. But I’m pretty certain what I say tonight is going to make or break my relationship…HELP!
Phoebe
Oh boy…….
That is an area I don’t have a lot of experience with. I’m sure the other ladies can jump on here. My heart just dropped for you when I read that, Amber….
Harley
I just don’t know what to say.
Go… listen to what he says… NO DRAMATICS/crying/pleading etc.. that will only make him SURER of his decision should he wish to end it/take a break.
IF.. he has decided to end it/take a break…. AGREE with him. Say it’s for the best.. YOU were thinking you needed space too………….THIS IS CALLED reverse psychology…. MAKING him wonder if he has made the right decision. THEN, you smile, hug him wish him the best and WALK AWAY QUICK… do not stay, hug him again and again and again.
GO,,, no contact. It’s your only chance…. of him changing his mind. DO NOT… say you will wait for him. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES.
IF he says anything else.. LISTEN… say YOU need time to think and will get back to him next week.
NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL CHANGE HIS MIND… so DON’T TRY.
GOOD LUCK. I’m to bed so it will be morning before I catch up with you.
Mel
Amber,
Okay so here is the thing, if he wants to walk away while dealing with this in his life you have to let him. You have to hold your head up high and handle yourself with dignity I know that it is going to be hard, but he has this going for him, if he is going to end things he is being a man about it and doing it face to face, this does mean that he cares for you, however a relationship may not be something he can deal with at this moment.
Let him know that you understand, that you care for him and that you hope for all the best for him. And leave it at that and come cry here or in private but try and hold yourself together in front of him okay. :-) No one wants to go through this, I know we have all been there or some of us are heading there. It is gut wrenching and it hurts but this wasn’t anything to do with you, this is something that only he can work through, it will eventually happen and maybe he can come back to you at that point.Phoebe
Listen to Harley and Mel, Amber……
We’ll be thinking about you.
Amber
You all think its over :-(
Phoebe
Not necessarily…but it’s good to at least have this information going into this meet up with him and NOT having to utilize it.
You won’t know what he has to say until he says it.
Mel
Honey there is no way to tell, but we are trying to advise you in the worst possible situation, however yes with the information that you gave, I do believe he is wanting to try and release you from the relationship while he is going through this. By what you said he said this isn’t fair to you. that is a pretty good indicator. Obviously we can not know for sure. But it is best to prepare you for the worst. I am sorry.
Harley
80% yes its over. 20% …no.
Guys.. hate ‘the talk’ I think he’ll say he’s not in a fit place to be with you right now. …it’s not fair to you blah blah blah. And whilst….All this IS true…..he’s letting you down gently. There’s an outside chance he’s asking you to understand and still be there for him. It’s all as Mel says.
Amber
If am going to be calm and hope we (ME) just need clearer expectations and boundaries. If i have any chance to fight for him and I hope he will fight for me too…
Juliette
Amber
Just do a lot of listening. Do not be thinking ahead in your mind. Just be present and listen. Simply tell him ‘I understand.’ Do not engage in dialogue tonight as he will not hear you. Just be present, let him get what he needs to off his chest and that is all. This is your time to prove you can handle his emotions AND your emotions. You can handle this. xoxo
Amber
I did go out w/some friends to help keep my mind off things, but fully expecting us to meet up at some point tonight. Finally I texted him to ask what was up and he said that he planned on getting back to me with a time that was good for him, maybe tomorrow. So I’m on call to be (likely p) broken up with!?!? I’m mad, hurt, etc…
Harley
Don’t sit around waiting. Keep busy. If he calls and arranges a time that does not suit you…tell him that and YOU state a time that suits you… A daytime meeting in a coffee shop….no chance if breakup sex. You should not have called him last night. He us upset with grief…but he also knows he ……had you where he wants you. ..He can treat you how he likes and you will accept the crumbs. Stop being a doormat. If he’s gonna break up with you….keep your dignity…cry later.
Amber
I definitely had no intention of contacting him, but it was getting late and I assumed he saying he wanted to “talk” meant the same night. Who delays a break-up talk?
Harley
Guys delay…when they are tired…have other stuff on are are cowards. He does not realise how much this affecting you…no guy does. .they can be clueless like that. Just go…get it over and done with. Listen to what he has to say.
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