“Ground zero” rules for the forum

[Eric Charles]

@someone – Yup. I’ll ban anyone who does it or has ever done it. And I’m already well aware of who that will be…

That said, this conversation now needs to return to the OP’s topic which is (and only is) establishing the rules of the forum.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Eric Charles.

[SLS]

Love the quote. :-)

Below are the suggestions that other people contributed on the other thread (minus Lane’s which she already transferred over).

First I think this is important to mention:

– I agree with what people are saying about avoiding foul language, but I do think we need to be careful about banning people who use some foul language that is not directed at other posters. I think there should be specific words (like the ones I listed) that will always get someone banned when directed at other posters. So there’s a difference between “avoid foul language” and don’t call other posters whores.”

– I think we need to make sure calling other posters trolls is banned. If you think someone’s a troll, ignore them. If they happen to NOT be a troll, you’ve hurt them. if they are a troll and you say so, it makes them happy. Just ignore.

Suggestions from other thread:

Some guidelines I think are helpful:
– If you find yourself getting annoyed by a original poster’s situation, do not respond to it.
– No curse words or calling any woman derogatory names.
– If you don’t like advice given by a particular person, please do not call that person out by name. Instead state your own position on the issue so the original poster can see various perspectives.
– Try to stick to the original poster’s problem rather than using their post as a tool to vent your dislike of someone else on the forum. It is unfair to the original poster.
Thanks for considering these….which are the guidelines that I have developed for myself on this forum.

My thoughts…
1) There is never a reason for someone to use the vile language exhibited at the beginning of this thread. Everyone should be able to communicate without using offensive language.
2) If you have nothing helpful to offer, do not add anything. If it is not pertinent to the specific question/post or adds value, what purpose does it serve. In that case, please keep silent.
3) The goal should be helping one another. Do no harm. We can still be direct and straightforward while taking the high road.
4)Is is truthful, helpful, inspiring, necessary, kind? And you can be kind while delivering a truth that is tough but needed to be heard. If not, please refrain.

If I could pick a few rules that I would like to see to keep the forum going they would be the following:
1. Please refrain from foul language, racial slurs of any kinds, or name calling.?

2. Keep on the topic of the OP?3. If you find yourself arguing with the OP, kindly bow out that thread.

Off the top of my head, some rules that I think could really help would be:
– only write about the question in the original post?– do not “characterize” the person – if someone did something, that’s just what happened, but it doesn’t make them an XYZ type of person, it doesn’t frame them like they’re XYZ type of person, etc.?– never name call – there’s just never a time that’s helpful?– never project intent onto another post (she’s trying to do this, she’s trying to say this, etc.)

– Some rules I would suggest are:
– 1. No name calling. 1st Offense: Warning. 2nd Offense: 24 hour ban. Third Offense (strike out) Permanent BAN of IP Address and email address. That way even if they change their email addy they can’t log in.
– 2. No starting fights aka “drama”. Same solution as for #1.
– 3. Treat others like the way you want to be treated. If you are rude to people, we will assume you like people to be rude to you.
– 4. Drama instigators: 1st Offense: 24 hour ban. 2nd Offense: Permanent Ban. This way they can’t say they weren’t warned, or given a chance. The 24 hour ban should be plenty enough to “sit up and take notice” that you can’t post on the site. If you can’t respect that, and do it again, you deserve to be permanently banned.
– Four simple rules that will show who is really a mature ADULT and who is not.

[Daisy]

Eric, you’re amazing!
And so are all you ladies coming together like this. If I think of any to add, I will do so. I’m just loving these drafts.

Yay! :)

[Lizz]

Hello everyone i am Lizz a very very long time member of this community. And first or foremost i want to say hello and i miss you to people such as Raven, La Girl, Maria, Harley, Buttercup, Lane and a few others if i left you out. Call us the clique, virtual girlfriends whatever….. All of the ladies mentioned above and a few other as i stated bring very valuable advise to this form.

These women have helped me along with many other women across the world and i dont want to see any of them go anywhere.I have observed whats been going on in other threads and honestly this has blown out of proportion. Their are some people who give out tough love and others not so much. My point is that people should not take things so personally and if advice is given that one doesnt want to receive just dont respond period.

However, i dont know about all these rules and wont comment on that. Thing only thing i do have to say on the matter is if someone/ the same person is using multiple names and probably different email addresses, and also coming here just to make a mockery of themselves others and this website, SHOULD GO AND NOT COME BACK…. I believe a person who does that is not serious and making this a joke for their personal entertainment.

In conclusion, everything was fine before this one individual making up different names and creating to drama for this community and page came along. So therefore, take the problem out of the equation and the problem will be solved. And i think we all know whom im speaking of. I believe the community was fine before this recent drama. And to be honest Eric to many rules will make this a very dull place.

I come drama free and i appreciate everyones opinion, harsh or soft. And the only problem i see here is people that come to destroy the vibe of this environment, newbie impersonators!!!

[Lizz]

Another thing i want to add is that i appreciate Eric for giving us all that format to display our feeling regarding personal relationships and the dating world. Also, i appreciate all the valuable advice given here harsh or soft. In Addition, different personalities make the a very diverse and interesting place to be. Everyone will not agree and sometime s a little debate does no harm.

The authenticity of the form is what make this a fun environment. To many rules as stated a while ago when something similar happened, will again make this place not so fum. To Strict and people will begin to not add any value because they will be afraid to get banned.

My point is that if people come here just to be a trouble maker and create drama are very easy to spot. Eliminate those people and let the form continue to flow naturally. But at the end of the Day Eric should do what he feels is best, i guess.

[Raven]

Hi Lizz! We miss you too & hope you’re doing well :)

[Lane]

I think the rules are done at this point. Take what’s been provided so far, collate it into a simpler easy to read version and then get everyone to agree on it. Give it a label “ANM Forum Rules Please Read” above “How to Have a Pic” and end this.

I also suggest adding a brief “how to post a thread” instructions at the beginning as some have difficulty with this process and end up posting theirs in another’s thread.

Tine to resolve this once and for all and move forward.

[CalLady]

I’d also like to see some sort of free registration if possible before you can post, would save typing in every time you want to respond and would definitely cut down on the number of people impersonating others. Would also stop the duplicate usernames I’ve seen occasionally, that can make some of the posts a little confusing at times until you realise it’s not the same person who posted last week about a completely different topic.

[Mistral]

Hi Eric,

I think you have gotten enough feedback and I am confident you will choose the right path and deal with this situation appropriately. Thank you very much for providing this place where so many women are learning to find love and live happy, fulfilling lives.

In my boyfriend’s language there is a saying: “Aho Maheo for all the blessings”. It means Thank You Creator for all the blessings. So, from those of us here who want to genuinely find and have a loving relationship, Aho Eric! :)

[Eric Charles]

@Mistral – Thanks.

Yes, I believe I have enough and I intend to have something together by the end of this weekend that can then be enforced.

[Mistral]

That would be totally awesome Eric!

[Lagirl]

Eric
No I don’t know what I don’t know…to use your own words.

This is a business to you and for all we know you want all this controversy to boost the number of people who view this site. Like a Maury Povitch show. For all we know you are planning to sell the site and want to boost membership and hits to show how valuable it is.

All I can see is that you are allowing this to happen for ‘your own reasons’ which is your right to do… But this feels more like a business deal in your end than an issue of trying to sort things out here.

I know business…it’s too bad it has come to this and has resulted in verbal abuse of women who are regular contributors and have put a lot of heart and time into this forum to make it a positive and supportive place for women in need .. And done so in support of you and Sabrina. The forum has been literally run and embraced by these women. As a result this current environment that exists on the board today , it has made the regulars feel as if their contributions have been devalued by you and even to the extent that now the trolls have stooped to using some of our handles and posting derogatory comments impersonating us.

I would hope that the forum can return to a safe place, yet that’s in your hands as again… I don’t know what I don’t know about your big picture intentions..

I not naive like some

[Eric Charles]

@LAGirl – Again, you have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t know whether or not you know business, but regardless, you know nothing about my business.

Fact: The forum costs me money to have up… and it’s going to cost me more now that I’m hiring a moderator. Having this up is charity, it is not building value for my company, nor is it making me money (the money generated from ad display in the forum amounts to roughly $80 a month… which is hardly enough to pay a dedicated moderator…)

I loathe the nonsense and fighting that goes on in hear. I also loathe the horrible way that I see some of the women in here treating other women. If I heard another woman speak to my sister in the way that I’ve seen some women in here talking to each other, I would be horrified… I don’t buy the “tough love” BS that some people talk about — I think it’s just tactless passive aggressiveness under the guise of “helping people”, but it’s actually a lot more like “Mean Girls” in forum format.

So no, this isn’t some evil, greedy business plan on my part. This is me trying my best to apply a universally fair solution hear to a problem that I find viscerally disgusting in terms of human behavior.

Maybe what you’re feeling is my utter refusal to entertain any of this as anything more than disgracefully childish behavior across the board and I’m just singularly focused on a solution and ignoring the “chatter” on the sidelines.

I said at the beginning of this thread that this discussion needs to stay on topic (strictly only about the rules). Please either work with me here or just let me handle it.

If you want to suggest rules, go for it. Thanks.

[Lizz]

OK Eric, I think we all get the point on this thread;Stay on topic!!! However, again I do value everyone’s opinion and you did state that you call be on the tough love part. Well, let me just say this, I was one who received some tough and gentle advice. As a result, the tough advice/ love is what helped me the most. Therefore,in my opinion tough love is an essential component at times.

But what ever the case maybe I do believe that you ate trying to deal with this hands on and again, I do appreciate you for that. And as I stated prior (Back on topic)!!! Some people should not take things so personally and premeditated drama creators should be eliminated. Not long time regulars of this community who do add value to the form, harsh or soft.

In conclusion, I agree with everyone that states that this dilemma needs to end. Also, that I believe you when you said that you would handle it and you’ve gotten enough feedback that you need. So there it is…. End of story….

[Eric Charles]

@Lizz — Here’s the thing: sometimes the tough love is on point. Heck, anyone can sift through a lot of the articles I write where I need to be really direct just to get where I need to get in trying to help the person as best I can.

So “tough love” in the form of directness in the best interest of the OP’s question. Absolutely, that’s great and I’m not against that.

However, there’s stuff that slips through that is not OK and then the “helper” uses “tough love” as their rationale for why they answered in the way that they did.

Some people get drunk on a sense of power in a community. They think that talking to someone in a condescending way, they are somehow more. They derive a sick pleasure from getting away with being cruel.

So that’s not “tough love”… that’s being an a-hole and then calling it “tough love” when someone calls you out on it…

The members who are truly here to generously give and help others for the joy of helping others need not worry. And the people here who appreciate direct, clear and sometimes-blunt answers need not worry.

Acceptable: Look at what you’re doing. It’s not working.
Unacceptable: You’re acting like a stupid whore and men are going to just use you as a f*ck toy and throw you away until you die of an STD.

Yup, I’m paraphrasing the example, but I’ve seen stuff like that get said in the forum. Truly horrific… that’s not tough love, that’s a sadistic person finding a loophole where they can act like they’re here to help and really just inflict harm on people in need.

I’ve written hundreds and hundreds of articles, posts, newsletters, etc.

I’ve been direct, blunt and dealt tough love in some of them… but never ever ever has any of my writing ever taken on a tone like the example above.

If I can do it, anyone can do it. Again, people who are truly here to help and who are here to improve their love life need not worry… the rules will only improve the forum experience.

[SLS]

I would just like to make two points about what’s been written:

Regarding this comment:

“The forum has been literally run and embraced by these women. As a result this current environment that exists on the board today , it has made the regulars feel as if their contributions have been devalued…”

No, the forum is not run by those women. How do you think other people who aren’t regulars feel when their contributions are devalued? It happens all the time. Dissenting voices and differences of opinion are often crushed with a cry from the mob about how so-and-so gives excellent advice even if it’s “tough love” and they should be listened to no matter what. No. Let OP’s think for themselves, don’t shove the regulars’ advice down their throat. Human beings all have different needs and sensitivities–one size doesn’t fit all. When you set the regulars up on a pedestal the way you just did (and this setting up on the pedestal happens ALL THE TIME), you automatically, just by default, put everybody else below them. We’re all equal and we all have something to offer. I hate hearing people called stupid on this board. Trust me–we are all smart and stupid in our own ways.

Regarding “tough love” I agree with everything Eric said. I think there is a difference between being direct and not sugarcoating something and being unduly harsh. But there’s something more important than that:

You don’t know the OP. Even if you THINK you know them from reading their posts on this forum, you don’t know them well enough to know for sure HOW they need to hear their advice. One person may be really tough and need tough love, another could be really sensitive and it hurts them terribly. “Tough” is in degrees and what everyone needs is different. I get tired of seeing how people giving advice really think they have the advice seeker pegged. They’re so sure they know them up and down. You can know a lot about people from what they write in about, but you can’t know them completely.

I think if the OP says in their post “Please be really blunt with me,” then okay, be blunt (without attacking). Perhaps a rule could be–Before being harsh, ask the OP if they want harsh advice, and see if they say yes first. Anyway, all these people so crazy about “tough love,” Just say at the beginning of your post “Need tough love” or something.

Lastly, I totally agree with the rule about not using another person’s username. But I disagree with the suggestion that’s been made about making people create one name and only use it. I understand it has caused some problems recently, but the thing is, not everyone wants to have an “identity” on this board. What I’m saying is related to what Eric posted on the other thread about ego, and taking things personally. I change my name all the time because this forum isn’t about me creating an identity on this forum. I’ve found I prefer to be in the moment, read the advice, sometimes give advice, but it’s not about ME. Forcing people to create usernames that they have to use forever isn’t good in my opinion. Some people just want to come to the forum to give or get a bit of advice, not create a whole persona on this forum. This is actually part of the root cause of the cliques. So I suggest no need to create permanent usernames, but definitely ban people who impersonate others.

[Lane]

This has been hashed and rehashed and rehashed and rehashed long enough now. Let’s just wait for “the new rules” and if you have something to say about them bring it up then.

[SLS]

Please don’t tell me when I can comment or make suggestions. I had something I felt was important to add and I added it. Whether or not you think it was worth adding at this point is not relevant.

Eric didn’t say to stop making suggestions and we could always add more later, he said to include anything here and it would be used to create the new rules. So your suggestion to wait and bring more rules up later isn’t helpful.

I’m sorry you’re impatient, but please don’t shut people down when they still have new suggestions.

[SLS]

@Lane: See this note from Eric on this thread:

Let me say this: This thread will establish the official rules… so if you have thoughts, suggestions or concerns, make sure they’re heard now because this is your chance to set the rules for the forum.

@Eric: Can you do a last call when you’re ready to go with what you have?

Thank you!

[Lizz]

Raven and Maria, good too hear from you as well. I’m doing great and hope you two are doing the same!!!

Eric, thank you for responding and I have understood your response. Therefore, I will just let you do what you feel is best….

The End!!!!!!

[Eric Charles]

@SLS – Correct. You post as much as you’d like on the topic of rules.

And I don’t intend to fix usernames to any one person for that specific reason. For a long time, I believe there’s been a mob in here that steamrolls anyone with a different opinion… which creates a “Mean Girls” situation where a select few abuse others and reinforce each other’s false sense of importance while alienating everyone else who enters the room.

It’s certainly not everyone who regularly contributes — many regular contributors are great: humble, selfless, generous and helpful. But I’m sure everyone knows what I’m talking about, so we don’t need to go into it here.

@Maria – I’m not referring to Harley. And don’t ever write a response about another forum member like that — that’s exactly the type of tone I’m going to make sure gets booted out of the forum.

Specifically – baiting a personal fight, characterizing a contributor’s post as “rambling”, characterizing a forum member as “needing to work on social skills”…

Sorry, that’s just unacceptable – you’re being condescending and talking down to another forum member, you’re taking an on-topic message and turning it into a battle against Harley and you’re attacking someone else’s character.

The only reason I didn’t ban you just now is because it was toward me and not toward another forum member.

Consider this your warning… final warning… from me.

Keep the thread completely on topic. Don’t make it personal, don’t bring people into it.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Eric Charles.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Eric Charles.

[Phillygirl]

Someone included “‘my thoughts” or 4 rules that I would like to see included on the previous page. I wasn’t going to add anything else, even though I had additional thoughts, because this convo has been devolving.

I don’t know how much I’ll continue to participate in the forum going forward. I mentioned previously that had this environment been what I encountered when I first visited over a year ago, I never would have come back. I meant that.

I never came here to argue. I came to discuss, observe, hear differing viewpoints, and when I finally got the courage to post, to hoplefully contribute something meaningful that someone might value. I thought that if some of the awful experiences I’ve been through (that have led me to happiness, acceptance, and peace) could help someone else it was one more validation that it was all a worthwhile learning experience.

And surprisingly enough, I also discovered I still had a llittle more healing to do myself. Which I am grateful to this forum for, and all the contributors who made that possible.

Because I have come out the other side of a couple very bad places: stronger, smarter, happier, and a better person.

I am personally repsonsible for my behavior (my actions, reactions, words, and intent).

So with that said, that is the reason why I have only posted with one single user name this entire time. Not to gain attention, or puff myself up. I am a nobody here. I am not a nobody in life, because I friends, family etc who know and love me. But here, I am just one voice among many. I wanted to help here. But I do believe commenting with only one user name holds me accountable to everyone for what I say. So I respectfully disaggree with allowing more that one user name, but that is simply my opinion. I am taking this one opportunity to tell you why.

So I am going to apologize for anyone I have hurt. I am not sorry if I gave you truth (which can be hard to hear) and it opened your eyes. But I am sorry if someone felt bad about themselves because of it. I am much less direct on this forum than in real life, because I don’t know any of you. I don’t recall ever calling anyone a name, but I believe I named poor behaviors. But I don’t recall every post I made, even though it’s probably not all that many in reality.

So I am owning my behavior, owning my only user name, and hopefully giving some grace so I can get some in return.

[Eric Charles]

@Phillygirl – Don’t worry about what’s happened up until now – the reason I’m making such a big point of us, as a group, establishing rules together is so that everyone can enter into the arrangement consciously and deliberately… so it would be unfair to judge anyone prior to the rules being established.

Mistakes were made, lessons were learned and now we’ll put rules into place to guide the future to where it needs to be.

[S]

Thank you Eric. This was really needed! A lot of new people will be able to participate when there is s moderator and rules for everybody!

[Amber]

I am glad that rules are being set and hopefully moderated.

I hated how people were called trolls just because the clique want to abuse people who have made mistakes or have different life values for various reasons, please enforce the rules asap.

[Author]

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