Guy at work seems interested

My next conversation with him would be: “I really like you. Let me know when your divorce is official and if I’m still single I’d love to go on a date.” That is it. Seriously.

Never entertain a guy who is married or even in a relationship. What are you going to get out of it? Sex in the cupboard at work? Because let’s face it, you’re never going back to his, and he’s unlikely to get much time to come to yours with a wife at home. He lives with his wife, who he is legally married to. And he’s given you no concrete proof that he’s either serious about leaving her or is serious about you. And if he does leave her – can you ever, EVER trust that he won’t be screwing some new young thing at work when he gets bored of you? Knowing that this is exactly what he did with you?

Is being the ‘other woman’, and cheap throwaway sex whilst he goes home to his wife really what you aspire to romantically? You deserve so much more than he can give you right now. You deserve to be dated openly, to be able to share a guy’s life, and to be able to take that most important place in their life when the time comes.

The difficult thing is that you can’t assume a guy is single because he doesn’t have a ring. after all, plenty of people are in committed relationships but don’t have a ring!

However, this is not your fault: you can’t have known. He just paid you a lot of flattering attention for a while, and he chose to omit that fact from you. I’ve felt led on by guys who I pretty much had ‘dates’ with – who talked in depth about their parents’ divorces, life hopes dreams etc – only to find out later they have a GF. It’s weird – why would a guy hide that unless he was looking for fun? I could never do that to another woman, nor could I trust a man who did that, so I always ended things as soon as that became apparent. Which isn’t easy.

This guy says what they all do – their marriage is over. Except it’s often a lie. Don’t ever be a part of some lowlife’s midlife crisis. Let him know you only date single men, and he can let you know if he ever gets a divorce.

“He says he is thinking about a separation as he isn’t happy. That I shouldn’t worry about his wife as they live like roommates.”

These are not the words of a ‘nice’ man…

I am flabbergasted at the amount of women that come on here asking about someone else’s husband. What’s there to think about? Would a man of integrity do this? I’m honestly wondering what you expect to come from this. You don’t think you’re just a rebound to him?

Until he actually divorces his wife, he is married, no matter what he tells you. And how do you even know he’s telling the truth?

Okay I hear everyone’s advice.

I have no problem setting a boundary. Like saying because you’re married it’s best for you to back off. He seems quite smitten. I’m a little concerned about the recurpussions of rejecting him. Like anger and causing problems for me at work. I imagine he might be quite hurt if I go completely cold on him.

What’s the best way to approach this without causing a lot of fanfare?

Feel I’ve gotten myself into quite a mess here with this guy.

You don’t have to say anything to set a boundary, you just don’t respond to his flirtation as if he’s someone you would never like or find attractive. It’s not hard, I’m sure other guys have flirted with you that you didn’t like and you didn’t respond to them in a flirty way back and they stopped.

He didn’t ask you see you outside the office because he has a wife at home who’d notice if he was out every eveing. Not because he’s playing innocent.

also, we have to discuss what platonic means. It doesn’t just mean ‘no sex’, it means entirely devoid of sexual or romantic subtext – i.e. how you’d treat a normal person of that level of closeness. And no, most people would not grab a random work colleague drinks or food every day or hang out with them out of nowhere. People make friends but if you got the impression it was romantic, and he doesn’t treat every woman he gets on with that way, then it most certainly was never platonic. I might buy a colleague a drink or have lunch with them and i might spend more time with people I was becoming work friends with – but that kind of targeted attention usually means something specific.

He wasn’t just being nice.

None of this is your fault – you haven’t gotten yourself into this. He put you there by trying to cheat on his wife with you. He would never have mentioned for you to not worry about her if it was purely platonic, too. And the others are right – those are very much lines that any cheat tells his mistress or side piece.

You don’t have to be aggressive about what you tell him, but I can see why you’d be worried. Just say that you want a relationship and you realise he can’t give you that so you hope you can be friends. Then slowly back away once he’s accepted that, til you’re back to polite colleagues. It doesn’t sound like he’s directly in your team or your boss, so he shouldn’t be able to do much, and I hope he might just look elsewhere if he’s only out for sex. If he’s looking for friends, he’s going about it in an inappropriate way and that’s how affairs happen. Special ‘lady friends’ to comisserate how crap your wife treats you aren’t appropriate. or platonic.

If he wants to date a woman, he’s going to have to get a divorce and work through his issues, and you don’t have time for that. I suggest you try online dating or whatever you have available locally, once you feel in the right space to do it. Because meeting more available men will help recovering from the unavailable ones.

Good luck, you’re a brave lady and you can do it !

You seem to be trying to find any excuse to continue the relationship with this guy.

Go ahead and keep it up with him – you’re going to do it anyway.

Signed,

A wife who’s been on the receiving end of your behavior (as well as his)