Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Guy says he's confused – should I end it?
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 9 years, 5 months ago by
Jamie.
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Darla
I have been seeing a guy about 6 weeks & we clicked in a major way & have ALOT in common. He was doing ALL the chasing – calling or texting me everyday & we saw each other on the weekends. He has been a total Gentleman & bought me a present (thoughtful guy). We had exchanged all what we thought of each other when you first start dating someone. And then he got kinda distant & I asked him what was wrong & he had no problem discussing things…. He said he thought all was going great with us UNTIL…. his Ex had gotten in touch with him – they talked & now “he’s confused” & said he’s torn over what to do in this situation that he’s seeing me (which is going great) over having those thoughts of whether to give up on a relationship he had so much invested in. They had dated about 7 years & He had broke up with her 5 Months ago, over things she was doing (that he didn’t like) & he couldn’t take it anymore. I asked him why was he still talking to his Ex & he said they hadn’t talked for Months – I don’t know what she said, but obviously something to stir up his emotions again. (& I didn’t think to ask him if she knows about me) I asked if he actually wanted to get back with her & he said he’s just confused. I just told him that he has to decide what to do. It was kinda left at that (for now) while I’m processing what just happened. It looks like he hasn’t completely dealt with the healing & moving on part. My question is should I stand up for myself & state my Boundaries & tell him I’m not going to allow him to do this to me? That he should not get in touch with me until he’s healed & ready to date again? The scary part is (by saying goodbye I would be out of the equation)…. I could be making it SO EASY for him to go right back to her!
Sensy
Give him space to come to his own decision. Getting involved with a guy so soon after his break up of a long term relationship was risky.
Anne
This is a common dating mistake. I’ve made it big time, twice. Never again. No, you are not making it easy for him to choose her by removing yourself. She’s been there a lot longer and typically guys will go for the “devil they know” – so truthfully she’s already got an advantage. You protect your heart from high risk of being hurt and you make yourself a higher value creature by telling him that if she’s back and he’s now confused, then clearly he is not choosing you and you wish him the best with her. Then shut up and go your own way. For him to have a chance with you, he will have to come back begging and I mean begging and completely certain she’s gone. Don’t be the rebound girl. Do not compete with her hoping to win him over. You’re worth more than that. Anyone is.
Anna
I always say, I will fight for someone, but I will not fight over them. If they are torn between me and someone else, the other person can have them.
Khadija
Girl, you really need to move on. The last you want is to be the fall back girl.
He is obviously thinking about getting back with her and if you stick around you are showing him that you don’t value yourself enough.I’m sure you like this man but, choose yourself first and foremost. Do you really want to be with a man and wonder if he is still in love with someone else?
Katrina T
Agree with Anna.
From my experience, a guy usually knows when he wants to commit to a girl. If his torn between two, clearly his not invested/feeling enough to choose you.
And logically, the girl with the longest history wins-as they have made lots of memories together.
It’s best to cut your losses and leave, you don’t want to be in a ‘ relationship’ whereby you keep thinking that he may not have chosen you over her, whether his still texting her behind your back. It’s hard to trust in this situation and as we a know trust is vital in a successful relationship.
I’m not saying don’t date him, but if you do, sit him down have a frank chat and make sure his committed to you or else don’t botherDarla
Thanks for all the advice – I ended up telling him he needs to go figure this on his own & that I’m not going to allow him to do this to me.
So that brings me to another question — how do you KNOW FOR SURE he’s ready to date? Because I thought 5 Months was enough time for a guy to move on.
And…. he actually admitted to me that he thought all was great UNTIL she got in touch with him & confused him. From the impression he gave me.. even if I did ask him this question that 1st week, I think he would of said he was fine…..
I mean can a girl ask a guy, the 1st week of dating if he’s over his Ex & ready to date?
& how & what do you ask?
I would have thought that’s alittle soon to be asking him such questions.
So how do you really know (even if you might ask & he says he’s fine)….
I absolutely felt no Intuition or red flags that any thing was “wrong” (before she called)
How do you avoid this happening again?Jamie
Yes, move on, otherwise wasting your time. If he wants you he knows where to find you.
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