Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Had sex, got ghosted, can I get him interested again?
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Angie.
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Hannah K.
There was a guy at the gym who I haven’t noticed for weeks until he started to be friendly towards me. For a couple of weeks we chat a bit before and after classes, and then he asked for my number and asked me out for drinks. I wasn’t and still am not after a committed relationship – I live in another country and I am here for only a short period of time and I made that clear with him. I am simply feeling lonely and I appreciated his company and would not have said no to good sex. He said that short term was fine (why wouldn’t he?) so we met, we made out a little, to be followed by very playful, very dirty texts for another week until we had sex. And, as to be expected, right after I got ghosted! I sent a playful text to him which he replied, but in a very neutral way, and he skipped the classes at the gym he always attends.
Now I’m frustrated. My frustration is driven by “wanting more” knowing that by the looks of it I won’t be getting more and by “feeling manipulated” as I allowed him to manage my expectations. I don’t know how to put it but…he pursued this so hardly via text (I like you a lot, I don’t think I can go until x without seeing you and your amazing sexyness etc.) and now that he went quiet I feel fooled. Not because I thought he really liked me or anything. Of course it was a chase game. But I wasn’t expecting him to go quiet when I started the text play, I wasn’t expecting him to avoid the gym, and I really believed he’d want to see me more as that’s what he was saying constantly. And now I’m like “what the hell is going on here” and even though I know exactly what is going on I am angry with myself that I expected things to be different. Probably the best thing to do is to not to push and savour the experience. Maybe sooner or later he’ll see me again at the gym and maybe think how sexy I am and approach me again. And at that point I will have a choice.
But I can’t stop thinking if there’s something else I can do to get him starting to think of me again (or if he’s thinking of me get him act on it again)…?
Hannah K.
Maybe I can keep sending playful texts every now and then?? Or would that be too pushy and clingy??
Jan
Casual sex is just that. No stings or expectations. You both got what you awnated and he probably went back to his gf or wife. All he wanted was a one nighter. Not a fwb. All men pursue hard. It doesn’t mean they ever wanted you more than an easy roll.. he probably disappeared because he expected you would want more sex and he wasn’t wanting to give you it. So rather than have to deal with you or disappoint you he stopped communication with you. I used to know guys who went from gym to gym to pick up women, let it go. It’s your ego that’s hurting, And I hope you learn to realize that all those sexy things he said to you he also says to other women. Men tend to have their own playbook when it comes to seduction. So while it made you feel all special and sexy I guarantee you that he uses the same texting to flatter and bed other women. Men tend to stick with the techniques that work best. So it was a game. But then it usually is especially when you tell the man all you want is casual and sex. Then it becomes a big fantasy game of words with very little meaning.
Jan
And please don’t send him any text messages. Have some pride. That’s so desperate.
Hannah K.
Fair points, Jan! It wasn’t anything more than a game and I set the game up by saying that I would be in the country for a short while. I genuinely believed that he was after more than a one night stand and coming to the realisation that it won’t repeat hurts.
How would you suggest me to behave if I happen to see him again at the gym? Play it cool and confident? Ignore?
Jackie
Don’t send anymore texts. He’s getting them and ignoring you. If you see him at the gym ignore him. Why chase someone who doesn’t want more? Sorry but NSA is just that.
Aida
Why would you want him to come back? He sounds like a jerk.
I’m sorry it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, but even a FWB should be more respectful.
Hannah K.
Why I would want to chase him?…
Because sex was great, best I had in the last few years.
Because I was mentally and psychologically expecting to have more of it (even if I shouldn’t have expected anything because there are no commitments and obligations I still had expectations and that’s driving my frustration with myself).
Because he was chilled and casual enough for a fwb arrangement (that’s the only thing I need when in this country) with no nuisances in the future. We haven’t talked openly about fwb but we were saying that we’ll spend as much time as possible during my stay in the country. And I thought he meant it – so back to expectations :/
So I really want him to come back. But I also know there’s very little I can go and everything I do will push him further away.
Anne
You simply got used. And blown off in a big way. You believed him but for some reason he changed his mind, and has sent a clear message that he does not want to see you at all.
Ianthe
I’m sorry this has happened to you. I know it can be hard when you’re ghosted like this. Best to chalk it down to a ONS.
Agree with the others here, please don’t contact him again. Actually I wonder, (excluding the possibility of him having a GF) if the sex might not have been as good for him and perhaps this is why he decided to drop things. At any rate he does sound a jerk so best to know sooner rather then later.
Emma
I am sorry you feel hurt. It is very hurtful for a woman to be ghosted after sex. He played you.
You want him back? Even if you get him, after numerous humiliating attempts and begging, what would it give you? Sex will not be that great anymore. Please understand that sex is not independent from your “relationships”, whatever they are. It was great because you thought it was going to be something different, you did not have sex for some time prior, he was “chasing” you (in your view). Mind you, flattering texts are not “chasing”. He can be “chasing” a dozen women at the same time via texting. Do you not understand this?
When a man courts you, he spends time with you, he invests emotionally, financially, he plans dates, etc.
Stop humiliating yourself further. If you encounter him in the gym IGNORE him point blank. He will not be surprised, trust me. This is the only thing you can do to salvage a bit of your pride here.
Next time do not fall for cheap texting. Guys who easily ask for your number at the gym are usually not the type you’d want for a BF or even FWB.
You need to work on your self worth. You got so flattered by this pinch of attention that you fell for it, fast and hard, like a donkey on ice.
There is always risk, there are tons of jerks around these days, the only thing a woman can do is be smart, not fall for cheap tricks and compliments, and understand that “casual” comes at a price. And usually this price is so high that it is not worth it.
Flower
You are only hurting because of your (wrong) expectations, next time if you decide to sleep with a guy casually, do so only as a ons, a one-time thing no matter what he says or does, and then let them contact you first after the sex, that is the only way of knowing if they ll be up for it again, and if they want they will contact you. So that is the manual on how to do it, but you are obviously lying to yourself and are not cut out for this kind of arrangement or it wouldn’t bother you at all.
Jackie
Yeah. There really is nothing you can do. He doesn’t want to come back.
Amanda
This guy is a dick please have more self-respect than to contact him again. And if you want a short-term relationship while you are in the country just get on Tinder. I promise you there are plenty of guys who will be up for a short-term friends-with-benefits situation
Hannah K.
I fully agree that I am not cut out for ONS and FWB. It wouldn’t have hurt so much otherwise and I would have moved on after the first text I sent and he replied neutrally (I tried to carry on the conversation as I assumed he hastily replied while busy at work hence the neutral tone).
I don’t fancy the guy so infatuation is not the case. But my ego hurts, big time. He changed his mind (or maybe he was after ONS after all) and I don’t know why and that hurts. I thought he enjoyed sex as well, he was at mine in the afternoon had to leave for a meeting at 4pm and came back after a few hours for the evening. If he hadn’t enjoyed, if he was thinking of ghosting me he wouldn’t have come back, wouldn’t he?
I think that he has a gf and is remorseful at the moment. But that doesn’t make me hurt less…
alia
If your ego is hurt after you tell someone you can’t have anything more than short term, and they leave and you are upset then maybe you aren’t being honest with yourself? It’s ok to be in a country short term, but want to have a long term relationship. You can still want that despite your circumstances. There are men out there pretending they are into you all the time, they think it’s fair game and I guess it is, because we are each responsible for our own feelings. When someone pretends to be one thing and turns out to be another, it is usually a turn off isn’t it? So I wonder why you’d want to repeatedly humiliate yourself by reaching out to him. Block him.
Emma
@Ianth, seriously? sex might not have been good for him? What adult man would jump to conclusions about sex after the first time especially if he came back again. I’d say he has a GF or he is a player who doesn’t want to pay for prostitutes and uses free texting to get the same and more (attention! ego boost, hurt women chasing him).
I think we all agree here that you should not under any circumstances contact him again and if he does use this as a chance to regain your self esteem and ignore him! But he won’t contact you again. He will wait for you to leave the country and will go to other classes in the meantime.
What Amanda suggested is spot on. Do not listen anything they tell you the first time you have sex and be 100% prepared to never see or hear form the guy again. Never contact him after sex. If he is interested, he will contact you, and then you can take it SLOWLY from there forward. But do not trust men that easily!! or else you will keep getting hurt over and over again
Anon
He was scratching an itch as it were,and he thought you needed to scratch an itch. The itch once scratched he went on his way. He had a good time and assumed that you did as well. For men sleeping with a woman doesn’t mean he wants a relationship or is developing feelings. I don’t know what men are supposed to do. Are they supposed to only sleep with women if they want a relationship? Are they supposed to have only 2 – 3 relationships before getting married?
Anon
Question:What do women want?
Answer: Fried iceHannah K.
@alia and @anon I am not after a relationship and I wasn’t expecting him to want a relationship or thinking that he had feelings for me. I simply assumed that we would have fun over the winter and I honestly wasn’t expecting to get ghosted so quickly especially after he come back to mine after his meeting.
I understand that he might have lost interest after he got what he wanted but I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want a bit more of that.
I won’t contact him again not because that would make me look desperate but because I’ll feel desperate and hurt after each text he ignores. But I can’t stop thinking how things will unfold in the future.
alia
The reason why men “lose interest” quickly, is that they never had any interest in the first place. Sure they were interested in sex, but if they didn’t put a disclaimer ahead that women ignored, you’d really have to believe all men are evil. They are not. We women are not asking questions, listening, observing, communicating. Whenever I asked questions I always got my answers. Every time.
Jeeez
Just get over yourself already. Maybe he’s married, has a gf or downright thought the sex sucked, it doesn’t matter. He isn’t down for anything more with you. If you can’t handle that, then don’t offer up your body to strangers. And then complain you feel hurt or used. He didn’t ghost. He just has no interest. And if you see him at the gym again he will most likely act as if nothing happened. I’m sure he hasn’t given you a second thought.
BeachBaby
I agree with Jeez. He’s not a jerk and he didn’t do anything wrong and he didn’t ghost. You offered yourself up for NSA sex and he partook once and that’s all he wanted. You wanted something else – that’s your own issue. He doesn’t owe you anything. He’s not your on-demand sex toy. You wanted to use him for your own agenda and he wasn’t going along with it. And yet you are “wondering how things will unfold in the future.” It was just SEX, nothing more. Nothing to unfold. He hit it and quit it.
Women who post here are incredibly delusional sometimes.
Hannah K.
@Jeeez and @BeachBaby – it’s interesting to see both of your messages have the sub-text of “he was a player” I wonder what makes you think that men are only interested in sex and especially ons?
I don’t refuse that he was in for sex in his relationship with me. And I have expected nothing but sex. I was simply hoping that it would be fwb rather than ons. And of course he doesn’t owe me anything, but that doesn’t stop me wanting more, does it?
Jeeez
Maybe he wanted a fwb but didn’t like the sex with you. Does that make you feel better?
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