Had sex, got ghosted, can I get him interested again?

This man either has a GF or has decided that he does not want to handle the fallout after casual sex with a woman.

Many times a man goes in for pure sex but a lot of women cannot handle that…they get hurt.

Guys do not want to hurt women and at the same time they want sex…so they are caught in a a no win situation. Also, they know if they are brutally honest and say…hey, I want just sex with you….mostly they will not get sex. A lot of women expect some kind of relationship with sex and they do not want the fallout…so they ghost.

None of this is your fault but if you do not want to hit it and quit it you have to be upfront about what you are after and what you expect…and sometimes even then you might not be believed…so know that too upfront.

I didn’t suggest that he’s a player. My point was he partook once and for some reason decided that was all he wanted. He had every right, he wasn’t under contract. None of us including you has any way of knowing why he isn’t interested in seeing you again for sex. What is clear is he’s now avoiding you. No reason to feel hurt. He didn’t want what you want.

@BeachBaby such a simple yet true statement – he didn’t want what I wanted and we will never learn the reason. And @Amanda I think that’s why I hurt – I wasn’t expecting him to not to want what I wanted and I don’t appreciate being left in the dark.

Though I also know that I am not left in the dark, his lack of communication communicates a lot. Yes, he hasn’t explained things but then he shouldn’t. There is nothing to explain. In fact, rejecting a person openly after one night would be even worse probably.

It came as a shock and that bruised me.

guy* not girl heheh

This is the risk you take when you offer up causal sex no strings attached.

I don’t see that this man was a player or that he manipulated you in any way. You agreed to these terms and you’re only upset because he didn’t want more.

Do I think totally avoiding you at the gym is the mature thing, no but it is what it is.
Perhaps he enjoyed the thrill of the chase and now that its over he doesn’t want to be bothered.

You yourself said that you’d be here short term and aren’t looking for anything.

If you are lonely go make some friends and get out more.

I know this sucks but, don’t contact him again and move on.

The simple fact is that no one is obligated to want sex with you more than once or even once. Everyone has the right to break anything off at any point. Point blank.

What I do not get is that you keep stating you only wanted sex, yet you get offended that he ghosted after a one nighter. Well, especially after you told him sex was all you wanted but even if you had not, this could have happened. The only difference is that the guy would be a jerk if he took advantage of you but he did not. He is not obligated to do anything, you wanted sex, you got it.

You can take your next pick since sex is all you want or you can decide to be honest with yourself that you are not cut out for this type of a situation and then look differently.

I am just being realistic here. I do not see why you are upset or hurt. Women are mistreated, ghosted, cheated on, left after even many years, even after a marriage, now then I understand all these feelings but not here.

Our egos, well, once we grow up that does not really matter anymore. Stop texting, chasing after sex, you enjoyed it maybe he did or did not.

Most likely he has a girlfriend or is married and only looking for easy hookups, not the greatest character so not someone you would feel any hurt over. Sex, pure sex without feelings does not hurt.

Think what is hard about it and whether you are really cut out to do this with other men. If so, there is plenty of fish in the pond but do expect to be dropped like this again because yes it can happen at any time. Yes I am sorry you feel this way but after all you were not really looking for more and you really cannot coerce anyone into anything, not even an FWB.

Sometimes you think you want to do something and you do it and you realize when you do it or after it’s not the right thing. And you just walk away because it is awkward to explain. You’re taking this way too personally.

HannahK,
Can I ask not judging, but if instead of ghosting you, if he had said “Hey, this is just a one time thing for me, take care”- would you feel better today?

I’ve been in both situations and something about ghosting just makes it harder to move forward even worse than straight rejection.

Re: people getting weaker these days…

I heard a podcast by a woman named Susan Winter the other day where she claimed that this generation of women have sex early and then try to ‘keep their cool’ – i.e. don’t ask for a relationship, don’t ask where things are going until the man brings it up. It requires them to ‘act’ cool for a long time, keep everything inside, let the man make all the decisions.

For me, when I was younger, I just asked them what they wanted straight up. If we had sex and they didn’t text or call for a week, I’d ring them and ask. If they didn’t pick up, I had my answer. If they did pick up and tell me they wanted nothing serious, I’d walk. That’s just me though. I do not like uncertainty. I wouldn’t waste my time on someone who’s not serious. So I ask them. And they’re usually honest – some aren’t; but you can usually see right through liars. Their actions never line up with their words. Anyways, if you do decide to stick around with someone who doesn’t want something serious, is there a chance they might change their mind if you play the ‘cool girl’ act for long enough? Maybe. But they could also see you as someone they can push around and get their own way with. In any case, I don’t have the patience for it myself. That’s just who I am. But if you can live like that go right ahead.

Hey @anon, I so much hate the situation that I’m in at the moment, so I like to think I’d have preferred if he had told he didn’t intend to come back when he left. Or at least tell me when I texted him “sorry I think it’s better if we leave this here” instead of making excuses on how busy he was at work for his neutral replies to my playful texts.

Like @Jan I have a strict no b.s. policy and I prefer to have my cards open. In his texts he said all is good, he has no regrets etc. Obviously his words don’t match his behaviour (unless he’s soooo busy at we work that he has no time to come to the gym, and no time to text me – which isn’t very reasonable) and this is killing me. If he said that this was it I could have walked away and got closure. But the possibility of having more is stopping me to walk away and because we didn’t have a honest conversation on where we stand I can’t get that closure.

I’m sure if he had openly rejected me via text the next day that would have hurt as well but at least I could have moved on. While now I’m struggling with that a bit. Though I’m slowly getting there…

Another anon
You get what I mean.. I am not that old, but before all the texting and online dating,people actually had a great idea where they stood with someone, lol. Now people are in ‘love’ with people across the world that they will never ever even meet. It’s so ridiculous

@Lia thanks for your suggestion but it isn’t like I’m sitting home depressed, thinking about him. I’m going to work, socialising with friends, going to the gym – so carrying on with my life :) And I agree, he isn’t holding me back but I have so many unanswered questions in my mind which has caged me in last Wednesday – when it all happened.

@Amanda, I think until I see him at the gym and see his attitude towards me I don’t know 100% what he’s telling me. As I said in one of the earlier posts. I am not actually fully ghosted in the sense that he has replied to my texts. But there is no sexting which is a major difference. He might still thinking of getting in touch if and when he needs sex given that he hasn’t cut me off completely. Or I can be totally kidding myself…

So I get the feeling women don’t ask men the right questions because they fear rejection…. They prefer to live in hope. Analyse his actions and then assume they know what he is thinking. Fragile ego. Why so fragile?