Had sex, got ghosted, can I get him interested again?

Another anon, I would love the hear his answer but I can’t do this via text. It isn’t a conversation to be had over text. If I can see him at the gym then maybe…

Re fragile ego – I was in a (almost) sexless marriage which succeeded an abusive relationship where I was the one to beg for his attention all the time. So I have my insecurities around men’s attention.

This dude must have a chocolate flavored d*ck if you are willing to come running into his bed after this,

So, he didn’t actually ghost you- he just replied with a lack of enthusiasm?

Ghosting is when you reach out and there is nothing, silence. That IMO, is rude AF. Silence is a weird limbo place. Especially if you had people ghost you because they died. It does mess with people.

His lack of enthusiasm is just that he sees you like you see him, as a sex partner, and he’s not horny right now. If you stay chill, he will probably hit you up again when he gets horny again. But that’s all you are to him- a sex partner, and that’s all you wanted.

Was this man seriously that good in bed for you to bother with this?

You said it yourself. This isn’t about him. You don’t care about him at all. Your ego is bruised and it’s hurt your self esteem. If you can’t handle rejection, don’t get involved with anyone until you can. Because you WILL get rejected at some point.

My concern is you’re going to make yourself obsessed with this man. Then you’re in serious trouble. You’ll accept him coming back for sex and ignoring you. You won’t be able to think about anything except him and you’ll destroy the tiny bit of self esteem you do have.

I think he’s a sensible man and has worked that out for himself, which is why he’s avoiding you. But when he gets bored, lonely and needing sex, his better judgement may leave him.

BTW everyone says no regrets after casual sex when you don’t want to repeat it. It’s like saying “it was fun, I don’t regret it but I don’t want to repeat it”. I think you have your closure right there.

This post is so sad because it completely reeks of insecurity and desperation. You’ve been given some great advice. @Hmm laid it all out for you.

You are in no place for casual sex. You are actually further damaging your self esteem by engaging in all this.

Women don’t listen to/understand what men say. This guy could not have been clearer!

“his silence to my playful texts and he said something along the lines “I have been busy at work, it isn’t your fault, I feel terrible but have no regrets”.”

He is saying straight up he has zero regrets for sleeping with you, even though he had little to no intention of seeing you again. Casual sex like this means absolutely NOTHING to most men. As in, they don’t care about you once they get what they want. Please stop doing this to yourself. There ARE decent men who are not so cavalier with a woman, but honestly-people take their cue of how to treat us… by how we treat ourselves. If you show you have no respect for yourself, people who lack integrity will treat you the same way, and use you. It’s so obvious to everyone, especially him, that you were not honest with yourself about what you really want and need. You are relying on a man for attention so that you feel better about yourself.

Not only is that not how to love yourself, you are reinforcing negative and abusive mindsets by chasing and refusing to back off.

You are not in a place to date sweetie, you need to deal with your past issues and get emotionally healthy. You are in a really bad place-sleeping with men for casual sex is only going to exacerbate your low self-esteem.

This leaves you wide open to bad (or low quality) individuals who will prey on your lack of healthy boundaries and self love.

I’m sorry if that sounds brutal but it’s the truth.

STOP CHASING HIM. You are going to truly humiliate yourself if you don’t take the very big (NEON SIGN) hints he’s giving you!!

I know I got my answer. I know since I first started this thread 4 days ago. And despite being indeterminate (he can always come back for more as many have suggested), I can use it for closure and move on. And I, honestly, don’t know I am obsessing over this so much but I think I’d have just appreciated an honest discussion on what he was/is thinking, what went wrong (if anything) etc. By acknowledging me (i.e., replying) but not engaging (i.e., staying neutral) he might be being sensible but I am still hurting as I wasn’t expecting to be cut off like this. I know it’s sad, I know it’s desperate but I don’t know what to do to free myself from this situation.

I don’t think you’re obsessing either. But I think if you let him back in your life, you could end up that way. You’ll get a happy hit, then a low when he rejects you, then a high when he wants you, blah blah blah. Same way all addictions are formed.

Emma, no need to be rude to the op and no need to treat her like an undignified women..she is asking for an advice for God’s sake! Let the perfect one throw the first stone..!
Now op, your original query was how to get him back for more sex. So let’s concentrate on that, without the unnecessary judging, insulting, belittling etc. First of all, i am assuming you got to see the situation for what it is, i.e. It is what it is; and you are not expecting more..if you have this clear, and only if you are emotionally mentally etc ready to accept whatever answer you might get, cause your attitude in this situation should be well, whatever, next, then I d send him this, ‘hey I liked the sex, do you mind if we repeat it;) No hard feelings I feelings of for whatever reason you can’t:)
And that’s it. He should be not feeling threatened by this as you it’s short and tot he point. Also, best to get him for more sex would be he sees you sexy and flirty in person. And whatever happens, remember you ve survived years before him, and you will survive years after him, you don’t need him in your life;)

Since my post has generated so much interest in the forum I feel obliged to update you about the developments.

A couple of days after the last post here, he texted me saying that he was very busy at work and sorry that he missed me at the gym. When talking, he also told me that he is in a relationship! And actually living together with his girlfriend! Apparently, he is in a sexless relationship, having sex with his girlfriend only a handful of times per year. When he had heard that I was in the country only for a short term he should have thought that this would have been a good opportunity for a relatively low-risk fwb arrangement. We haven’t met or seen each other after I learned this.

A couple of days later at 4 am he texted me saying that he is still thinking about me a lot, I haven’t seen the text until next morning and send a very neutral reply, not engaging in any sort of sexting. He hasn’t replied back, possibly he was busy at work anyway, but the next or so in the morning he texted me saying that this can’t go on for now as the girlfriend saw the text saying that he was thinking of me. He said that he managed to explain it away by saying that I was an ex-fwb and he and I had very different sex than what he and she are having and since they haven’t been having sex recently he was thinking of me. They had a long and emotional discussion afterwards, and despite understanding where he was coming from she, expectedly, is now very suspicious going through his phone and all that, and he is very scared to lose the woman he loves.

In the meantime, I left the country for the festive season, and we agreed that we’ll talk about it when I’m back. He clearly was very paranoid when he was texting me about this often saying “no more text on this number”, “I am petrified that you will text me at the wrong time” etc. (it was one text conversation only) and even though I was trying to reassure him that I would never ever text him and try to trust me (acknowledging that it’s very difficult for him to trust someone he doesn’t know) it hasn’t been possible to ease him. To the extent right after my last text saying “goodbye, see you in the new year, delete this now” he blocked me on whatsapp right in front of my eye.

The girlfriend will be away during the festive season, so I’m expecting that he might unblock me at some point and possibly text me again but it is still an awkward feeling being treated like a nuisance – he was the one to blow his relationship up, it was a text that he sent me and he forgot to delete that put him in this situation, I never made anything that put him into difficulty. So I see it as an overreaction to block me. But I also know that he is now reacting to me but to himself, to his life, to his relationship.

Lane, how you can judge me on my niceness based on a few posts? I am not hurting her or damaging their relationship. He is the one who has hurt her, he is the one who has taken actions to damage their relationship. He is an adult, responsible from his own actions. I don’t have any responsibility towards her or his relationship and can’t be hold accountable for anything. He initiated this, and this doesn’t make me a bad person.

Where in my post I suggested that I was intending to have sex with him again, be his temporary side thing or wreck his home by doing so?

I simply said that he texted me about his girlfriend finding this out and we talked about the details of this via text. If you are attacking me so fiercely for this you girls are the ones who have serious issues.

Well-why are you having any contact at all-what is there to talk about now that you know he is not free and you say you are not wanting anything from him? You are both selfish, dishonest types,in my opinion. If you don’t care,why are you still posting like this. The expected update should have said” I found out he has a girlfriend,so I blocked the lying skunk”.

It’s one thing to talk to him before knowing he had a girlfriend, but now that you know and you tell him, “we’ll talk after the New Year” you’re basically facilitating a possibility of an affair happening. And the fact that he is telling you about his relationship issues and you’re responding that is entering emotional affair territory. The right thing to do is block him and forget that he existed. At this point any communication you have with him will be a green light for him to treat you any way he wants to. Do you want that? Take control of the situation by running and never looking back. I feel so sorry for the girlfriend.